Who Says You Can't Go Home?
by TeeFly
Summary: AU! Dean Winchester's life in Lawrence with his family is happy and smooth sailing, that is until his ex-boyfriend Gabriel Novak decides to move back to town along with his ex-best friend, Gabe's brother, Castiel. Lawrence just got more interesting.
1. Who Says You Can't Go Home?

**A/N:** I needed something to take my mind of The Man Who Would Be King and I stumbled upon this song, My Old Friend by Tim McGraw and thought why not? It kind of just flowed out from there. I'm not sure what this is, but whatever right? Anyway if it sucks you can blame Ben Edlund who managed to make my heart incredibly damn happy and also fucking miserable all at the same time. Without further ado, read.

**Disclaimer:** They don't belong to me, not even a tiny little bit. Except the characters that are complete fabrications and have no actual place in SPN, I claim them.

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><p><strong>Who Says You Can't Go Home?<strong>

Dean sat on the back porch of this big Victorian house with a white picket fence surrounding it and a fucking bike in the yard in suburbia and thought about how much his life was never meant to turn out like this, or at least he pretended it wasn't. Conjuring up how his 19 year old self would be giving him such hell if he could see him now. Granted he didn't live here, thank God, but Sammy did and as proud as he was of that damn braniac he couldn't help but wonder how he hadn't blown his brains out yet. A white picket fence, I mean, honestly that sealed the deal right there. It was just too suburban, too fancy, too normal. There was, of course, the fact that this house reminded him of someone he didn't really like to think about all that much, but nobody had to know that.

"Dean, you're in suburbia not hell, could you at least act like you are having a good time?" Sam interjected into his thoughts handing him a beer and sitting beside him on the marble steps outside.

"All those book smarts and you still can't see that this is hell, Sammy. Carmen just has you so whipped you don't even know it."

Sam sighed, "Dean, you live across the street in a house with a yard, a second story and even a pool and swing set in the backyard. Face it, jerk, you live in suburbia too and you are a cough and a hiccup from being me."

"Pshh, fat chance, bitch. And I only live anywhere close to this hellhole so Cassie can have some semblance of a normal life. I hear weirdos and girls like yourself enjoy these kinds of things," Dean smiled whispering the last part and smiling cheekily at his brother as he did so. Making fun of his little brother never got old. Some people thought it was weird, but it was how they worked. Tit for tat and all that jazzy crap or something, it is what brothers did. It didn't mean he didn't care about him, it meant the exact opposite.

"I get it. You are way too cool for something as mundane as a Sunday barbecue with people who love you. But you know what? I remember a time when all you wanted was to grow up and live in a nice house where everyone got together for dinner once a week and had barbecues all the time. I remember when you wanted a normal life so bad it was all you ever talked about. You can fool a lot of people with your attitude, Dean, but not me."

He sighed, shifting slightly in his seat as he responded, "Yeah, well things change."

And damn because Dean didn't like to think about that because he knew why he had wanted that. He knew who he, who him and Sammy and even Gabe had planned that future with. And even after ten years he missed that blue eyed freak that he had called his best friend more than he allowed himself to remember. Because remembering their friendship was like trying to remember what sunlight looked like if you lived in a place where it only ever rained. Pointless and depressing because it was not like remembering would do anything but bring up the painful feelings of what once was and what could have been.

"Dean."

"Sam, just don't. I'm fine, okay? I mean damn ten years later and now you want to talk about it?"

"I always wanted to talk about it, you always put it off. Sound familiar."

"What you mean you being a big girl and always for all the caring and sharing self-help mumbo jumbo crap? It does ring a few bells, but I said I'm fine so can you please just leave it alone."

"Why? Maybe talking will solve this."

"Solve what? I don't even really think about him...not anymore."

"Sure you don't. Which is why the picture in the center of the mantle in your living room, one of few pictures you have up that isn't me, Gabe, Jake, or Cassie, is one of you and Cas on graduation night. Or how about how you still have that trench coat that he left at our house junior year hidden behind the suits in your closet. How you go to church every Sunday rain or shine, but you have never really believed in God since Mom died. Or maybe I don't know because you named your freaking daughter after him."

"Grasping much? Her name is Cassandra."

"Are you serious? Are you really pretending that you coincidentally named your daughter the name that you called Cas when you wanted to piss him off for oh, about 13 years? Not to mention that it's about as close to Castiel as you can get without going for Castiella, which by the way I know you considered because Ellen told me she was going to shoot you if you asked her if she thought that was too weird a name one more time."

"So maybe, sometimes I miss the guy. And maybe I was keeping some stupid promise or whatever, but we were best friends from like five until eighteen, I'm pretty sure that's allowed."

"Yeah, Dean, it is. But going around and being an ass to everyone when they mention him isn't. I get that you miss him. Why don't you finally just talk to him? You were busy before, I know I get that and you had some epic fight before you left, Gabe told me, but your life is settled down now. Why not give him a call? After ten years I'm sure he doesn't even care about some stupid fight anymore. In fact he probably stopped caring the second you walked away. You always were his damn hero as much as his friend."

"No. I wasn't, anyway trust me he probably doesn't even care anymore."

"This is Castiel we're talking about. You don't really believe that."

And they sat like that for a moment looking at the kids in the yard. He caught sight of Jake swinging Cassie and smiled. Her bright green eyes shining in the sunlight, a tiny splotch of freckles that he couldn't see from his vantage point but that he knew were there sprinkled across her nose, dark hair spinning around her as she ran around laughing. They looked pretty perfect together. It was moments like this that he thought maybe things could work out with Jake after all. He loved Dean and he loved Cassie and maybe that was enough. And Cassie adored Jake, not as much as Papa Gabriel or Uncle Sammy, and she would probably be over the moon about Castiel, but she adored him just the same. And Cassie, well she was his everything. She had turned three years old last week and was so damn perfect that it made him want to cry. Another thing he wouldn't admit out loud, at least not to the sasquatch sitting next to him.

He thought about a time when he and Cas had promised to raise their kids together, they would live next door to each other with Sammy and Gabriel across the street, he purposely forgot that he had entertained the thought of Gabe and him having their own sort of happily ever after, and their kids would all be best friends and they would have this pathetic apple pie kind of life that Dean never really thought was possible with a mom that had died when he was barely old enough to remember and a dad that was never really around enough to make much of a difference. But somehow Cas had always had this freaky unyielding faith in him and something about it made Dean want to live up to these crazy expectations his friend had. The thought that Cas probably had kids and a wife of his own that he would never know kind of broke his heart. So Dean did what he had always done best when something was becoming emotionally compromising to him. He changed the subject.

"So how are you liking the new house? Personally, I think it's a little bit small for four people, but to each his own."

"Seriously? You are 28 with a child and still incapable of dealing with emotions like a proper human being? How the hell does Jake put up with you?"

"Don't think you really want the answer to that one, Sammy and you know how I feel about chick flick moments."

Sam pointedly ignored the first part of his response. Dean was right, he most definitely did not want to know whatever perverted crap was about to spew out of his brothers mouth. Instead he just sighed and said, "You have a daughter."

"Your point?"

"You know what, never mind. The house is great and spacious and you know Carmen and I want to have more kids one day so it won't seem too big in a few years."

"You do realize that you're 24 and have two kids already? I mean seriously, dude, how many more are we talking about? Because if you die I don't want to end up raising a football team or a small army, for that matter!"

"Well we could always choose Gabe as the Godfather in that case, I mean, if you think it is just too much for your delicate sensibilities."

"Hey, if you want your kids to turn out to be candy addicted pranksters who will probably end up in jail one day, fine, but don't you dare haunt my ass unless you are looking for an I told you so."

"Haha, besides he's not that bad. In fact, if I remember correctly you two did date that one summer in between sophomore and junior year did you not."

"I thought we agreed never to talk about that summer!" Dean growled, "It's all a blur, I'm pretty sure I was drugged or hypnotized or some shit to agree to go out with him."

"You're right, it had nothing to do with the major crush you had harbored on him since freshmen year when he stood up to that bully for calling you a hopeless case of white trash that wouldn't amount to anything, because I seem to remember you blushing every time him and Cas came over for a long time after that."

"I'm sorry, is there a point to this story?"

"Other than embarrassing you because we both know Gabe is coming to visit in two days, no not really," Sam smirked. He loved making fun of his brother and Gabe, mostly because he was pretty sure they still had a small thing for each other and also because, well reminding Dean that he was once a blushing little teenager was an opportunity he would never not seize. It was his brotherly duty, after all, and he took that very seriously.

"Such a little bitch, Sammy."

"And yet you love me."

"At this moment that's debatable," Dean shrugged feigning exasperation and looking back into the yard full of kids.

After a moment Sam continued, "Anyway, I talked to Gabe the other day."

"Uh-huh and did he confess his undying love for my incredibly handsome ass?"

"Well, your name and ass were mentioned in the same sentence, if that counts."

"A man after my own heart."

"Well, I hate to actually get serious here for a moment but he told me something that I've kind of been avoiding telling you because I know that it is going to upset you and I really don't know how you are going to react beyond that."

"Quit babbling and just spit it out."

"Okay, but you have to promise you won't shoot the messenger. Just promise you won't get mad at me."

And that stopped Dean short for a moment because he remembered uttering those exact words, well the last part anyway, to an eight year old Sam when he had realized that he liked boys as much as, well honestly more than, he liked girls. He remembers the fear that had gripped his heart and how his brother had just looked at him with wide innocent eyes and told him he didn't see the big deal. That love was love and that was the only thing that mattered. Somehow he doubted that was where this particular conversation was headed though.

Dean sighed, "Okay."

Sam rolled his eyes, "That's not a promise, Dean."

"How can I promise I won't get mad when I don't even know what the fuck you are going to say? I won't get mad at you, though."

Somehow Sam wasn't entirely convinced of that, but he continued anyway, "I guess that's good enough."

Sam stopped for a moment, a twinge of fear and uncertainty coursing through him. He wasn't really sure how to tell Dean this without just flat out saying it. He wasn't sure whether his brother would see this as good or bad news. He wanted to believe it meant that their life could go back to normal, or what had been normal until Dean left and everything changed. He didn't know if he should consider it weird that his version of normal was something over ten years old, something that had been missing for most of his teenage and all of his adult life. Was it weird that he had never felt truly at home since he was fourteen and his days were spent following around Dean, Gabriel, and Castiel on pointless adventures. It wasn't that he didn't love his wife and kids, he did, but he felt like a part of him and Dean had disappeared the summer Dean went to California, Gabriel went to New Mexico, and Castiel went to Harvard. It was like his heart would never be complete until they were all together again, forming this cohesive unit like they had so many years ago. He didn't know if they could go back to what they once were, but he knew he wanted to try. He thought he knew Dean and Gabe did too. Castiel, however, well he hadn't talked to the guy since he was fourteen, so who the hell knew what he wanted, aside from Gabriel and Sam never really had the heart to ask. For Dean's sake mostly, because he knew he would have to tell his brother whatever Gabriel said, and he didn't know if Dean could take hearing that Castiel had completely moved on with his life, that he hadn't spared a thought for his brother in those ten long years. He doubted that would be the case, but he didn't think his brother could take it if it was. He must have been contemplating all this for a long time because soon Dean's rough voice broke him out of his thoughts.

"Well, are we going to sit here forever or do you actually plan on telling me whatever this is before my kid graduates college?"

Sam took a deep breath and for some reason said, "Gabriel is moving back."

Dean eyed him suspiciously, "Yeah, I know, kind of why we are picking him up from the airport in two days and moving him into the house around the corner."

"Oh, yeah."

"Dude, stop stalling and just spit it out because something tells me that is not at all what you were about to say."

This time he found his nerve, but only in a whisper, "Castiel is coming back to Lawrence."

He almost hoped that he hadn't heard when Dean stuttered for a few minutes before he managed to say, "I'm sorry, what?" but he wasn't yelling so Sam took that as a good sign.

"Gabriel didn't tell me the details all he said was that Cas missed home and has taken a teaching job at some local college where he can still have enough free time to write his books and be with his family."

Dean's jaw tensed and Sam knew that was a sign he was holding in an outburst, "Why didn't Gabe tell me, that?"

Sam whispered again, he wasn't sure why, but he thought a gentle approach was best at the moment, "He thought you'd take it easier coming from me."

"Easier? So the guy that used to be my best friend just happens to be moving back to the town I live in now, with his family and we haven't spoken or seen each other in ten years. How the hell is that easier coming from anybody?"

"I don't know, Dean. I'm sorry, I know you weren't expecting this, but maybe it's what you need. You know, an excuse to see him, a chance to fix things."

"Sam, things aren't broken! They don't need fixing!" Dean said raising his voice, but keeping his composure. His daughter was out there after all, he didn't want her to worry and she was too young to understand that Daddy being upset meant more than just Daddy needed mending and as much as he adored Jake, he had a tendency to try and pry chick flick moments out of him as much as Sam did and he really didn't think this was a conversation he wanted to have with his boyfriend at the moment. Especially when said boyfriend was already apprehensive about Gabriel visiting and he didn't even know he was moving back, so he wasn't really looking forward to the massively headache inducing conversation he was sure to follow when he told him his ex-boyfriend and his ex-best friend were going to both be in Lawrence again.

"Okay, okay, look I guess we just talk about it more later, just relax before Carm comes over here and kicks the crap out of me for upsetting her favorite brother-in-law."

He thought he heard Dean mutter something about only brother-in-law before he took a deep steadying breath and seemed to actually heed his advice. After a few minutes he spoke in a much calmer, almost small voice.

"Why is coming back?"

"I told you Gabe said something about missing home and wanting his kids to be raised where he was. I don't really know I kind of didn't hear anything after Cas is coming back to Lawrence, anyway."

"I just don't get why, though."

Did his brother ever listen to him? He sighed, "Dean, I just said—"

"No, I mean, he's a world famous author, he could live anywhere he wanted to so why here?"

Sam rolled his eyes at his brother, "This coming from the world famous rock star who just so happens to be in the Hall of Fame that lives across the street."

Dean sighed, "That's different."

"Oh really? And how is that?"

"I came back three and a half years ago when I found out Maria was pregnant. I came back so I could raise my daughter in a safe place instead of having her on a tour bus every night. Her mother ran off and left a rock star to raise her, I had to give her some kind of stability."

"And I'm proud of you for doing the right thing, Dean. I am. And I can see how happy you are at the record store, how happy you are with Jake and with Cassie running around, but the reason you came back, to raise your daughter in a place where you were safe and comfortable and happy as a child, well sounds like why Cas is coming back too."

Dean sighed. He knew Sammy was right. Damn he hated it when that kid was right, it was so much more fun to shove it in his face when he was wrong. And he didn't know how he felt about Cas coming back to Lawrence. He didn't want to face him again and have to remember why they stopped being friends. Didn't want to look in his eyes and see the distaste that had colored their last meeting.

"When is he coming back?"

"Umm, you know I think Friday, so about five days."

"Damn, Gabriel. I'm going to kick his ass when I see him, how could he not tell me? If he's coming in five days he's obviously been planning it for a while. You don't up and move in five days. Not when you have a family to think about."

"He didn't want you to unnecessarily freak out."

"I don't think this is unnecessary."

"Look, Gabe may be your friend/ex/whatever the hell he is, but he is still Cas' brother, his big brother. It's possible he was trying to look out for both of you, because as much as you like to pretend you hate each others guts, I know you still care about him and for whatever reason he still cares about you too."

Dean coughed another question forming, one he was a little scared to ask, but one he had to know, "Does he know I live here?"

"Dean the whole world knows you live here. You're world famous, remember, I'm sure Cas read it in the paper before now."

Dean rolled his eyes, "You know he doesn't keep up with that kind of thing. He hates pop culture...or he used to, anyway."

"If he didn't I'm sure Gabriel told him, Dean. He knows you live here."

"Okay, well this is getting freakishly close to a chick flick moment so can we, I don't know, stop talking about?"

Sam leaned back on the stairs watching Carmen carry a sleeping Michael around as Johnny chased Cassie around with a frog and laughed. Something told him everything was going to turn out alright, he just hoped whatever that something was was right, "I know, soon we'll be watching Lifetime and obsessing over science fiction shows."

Dean snorted, but leaned back to relax as well, "You so much as try and get me near one of those things and I will end you."

"Not if I have a gun full of rock salt and some holy water."

"You watch too much Supernatural, dude."

"Don't pretend you don't love it. Why wouldn't you that Jensen character is exactly like you."

"Oh you think so, huh? How many angels named Misha have I married and then had some weird half angel half human baby with?"

Sam threw his head back and laughed, "Ah-ha, I knew you watched it!"

He glared, "You are so not funny, Samantha!"

"I'm actually quite hilarious. Funniest angel in the garrison and all that." Sam winched as Dean punched him in the arm. They both sat there relaxing and enjoying the silence for a little bit longer before Dean finally whispered.

"So, Cas has a family, huh?"

"Twins, apparently. A boy and a girl. No wife, though, maybe something happened to her, I don't know Gabriel didn't say. Just said Cas and his kids were moving back."

"So the Winchesters and the Novaks back in Lawrence again, huh? Think it's a sign of the impending Apocalypse?"

"Oh, definitely."

And Dean wasn't really sure how this whole thing was going to go, all he knew was that he was glad Sam, Jake, and Gabe would be there for him when this whole thing came to a head and someone locked him and Cas in a room and forced them to talk. Looks like Lawrence just got a whole lot more interesting.

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><p>What the hell is this? I asked myself the same question, but hey my fingers typed and I wrote and this is what happened. It was meant to be a one shot, but kind of turned into a full blown story, the song will come into play eventually, I know how but not when I will get to it. Also pointing out this story was meant to be CasDean friendship (and it still is) but somehow Dean/Gabriel slash crept in here and then Dean already has a boyfriend named Jake (who I will describe in more detail later) and I don't really know if this is going to end up Dabriel or Destiel or what so for now I'm just going with it and seeing where these characters take me. Would love to hear your thoughts on this story so far so please review!


	2. It's a Love Story

**A/N:** _And so continues this insane story. I'm writing this chapter after staying up all night and everything is starting to be amusing and all my ideas sound like they should have a Pulitzer or Nobel attached to them so I can't really tell what sucks and what is brilliant. At the moment it all seems brilliant. Thanks for reading. I'll stop rambling now and let you get to it._

_**Disclaimer:** If they are in Supernatural they aren't mine, if I made them up they are. That about covers it._

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><p><strong>It's a Love Story<strong>

When Dean got home from the barbecue at around seven Cassie had long since worn herself out and was conked out for the night. He changed her into her favorite pajamas, a purple AC/DC shirt and a pair of Led Zeppelin pants that he had been certain weren't made so adorably tiny, but that Gabriel had somehow found at Christmas. She really was her fathers daughter. He laughed remembering how much it bothered Jake that Cassie liked Papa Gabe's gift more, or so Jake had claimed at the time. Dean was pretty sure he hated the fact that Gabe only saw her once or twice a month and yet he still had the moniker of Papa, while she saw him everyday and he was still just Jake, or more often than not Ja-Ja. Dean had tried to explain to him that Cassie had seen Gabe a lot more when she was a little younger. That she had taken her first steps out of Gabe's arms toward him. That Gabe was there when she said her first word, it was Da-Da and he may have cried a little, that it was Gabe who was with her when she first went to the zoo, or lost her favorite fluffy bunny. None of it appeased him, however, because he claimed all of that was when Dean and Gabriel would remember, not Cassie. Personally, Dean thought he was just underestimating all the big moments in her life that Gabe had been a part of, he also might think his kid was a step above average and remembered on some subconscious level that from day one there were three men in the world she could count on no matter what, her Daddy, Uncle Sammy, and Papa Gabe. Kids knew stuff like that, he was pretty sure Sam told him that once.

He stopped for a moment as he laid her down under Strawberry Shortcake blankets that had been yet another gift from Gabriel. His kid was just so awesome that at three her favorite song is Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven," so he figured if she indulged in really girly things like that and had a slight obsession with Disney princesses he could deal with it. He might seriously stab himself if he has to watch The Little Mermaid one more time, but as long as his little angel was happy he would deal with it. Because even with all the chaos that he kind of felt was about to enter his life, he could still look at his little girl and marvel at how perfect she was. It was moments like these that Dean thought God had to be real and he had to have a damn fine sense of humor, because who else could have given him such a tiny blessing in such a perfect disguise. She really was perfect. He assumed most parents thought that about their kids, but in his case it was just so damn true. She made his life immeasurably better just by existing. He kissed her lightly on the forehead and turned to see Jake standing in the doorway, an expression of deep affection in his eyes. Dean found himself easing into a smile just looking at him.

He had met Jake about a year ago when he came into the record store to get his sister a CD for her birthday. He had been really fucking flustered when he figured out how he recognized Dean. He was still in his scrubs from the hospital where he worked as a pediatric physician and his dark black glasses had been skewed in his rush, a pink flush of embarrassment tinged his cheeks. If Dean was as girly as Sam h e probably would have thought that he was downright cute, as it was Dean thought he was damn hot. He was 6'2 and tan, a shock of brown hair that looked auburn when the sunlight combed neatly and a little to the side and these gorgeous grey eyes that held flicks of gold. They weren't the most mesmerizing eyes he had ever seen, but they had a power and a sincerity in them that made them pretty incredible.

What Dean remembered most, as girly as it sounded which is why he would never ever utter it out loud, was that he hadn't fallen for Jake because of any of that. He had fallen for the way Jake held Cassie gently, yet protectively, across his chest as she slept, his kindness, his weird enthusiasm for cooking that sometimes produced Dean approved meals, the way he smiled when he watched Dean sing, and the comfort he felt lying in his arms. He knew his life with Jake was comfortable, he knew he could be really happy, that Cassie could be really happy, if he let them, but sometimes he wondered if there wasn't something missing. If he was settling with comfortable and happy because he was terrified that if he went after home and ecstatic then he would lose it all. He loved Jake, he really and honestly did, he just didn't know if he loved Jake the way Jake loved him. And sometimes when he wasn't being a dick and ignoring his feelings he wondered if it made him selfish for holding on so tightly when he really thought that Jake deserved more.

He settled comfortably against the couch and tried not to think too much as Jake went to get some tea. Dean hated tea, but Jake was so in love with the stuff that he never had the heart to tell him. It had almost been ruined by Gabriel one visit, but when Jake had kissed Dean on the forehead Gabriel's face had lost the smug cocky air it usually held and something akin to regret or loss flickered across his face too quickly for Dean to really try and decipher, before he'd gone to play with Cassie. Of course, now that Gabe was here full time he knew his boyfriend was going to be getting hell. He chuckled to himself at the thought. If nothing else Gabriel/Jake fights were always entertaining.

"Hey, darlin, you want honey or no?"

"Do you even need to ask?"

He heard Jake chuckle from somewhere in the kitchen and from the rustling he knew that he had been done fixing the tea when he had asked. Dean wondered if that meant that Jake really knew him or that he was just getting that predictable. Either way he was not excited to tell him about Cas coming back, but more than that even he dreaded telling him about Gabriel. They had never gotten along, and by that he meant barely tolerated each others presence, and only ever behaved because of Dean. They cared about him, he cared about them, so they tried their best, but it was a bit like asking oil and water to cozy up to each other. It just didn't work. And Dean understood. Gabe, well, he is an acquired taste and Jake…Jake's from a small town in Texas, and that did nothing to prepare him for someone like Gabriel. The fact that they only had to spend minimal time together probably saved a lot of headaches and bloodshed, unfortunately that was about to change.

Jake plopping down beside him on the couch tore Dean from his thoughts.

"Hey, are you still stopping by the ER tomorrow to see that kid, what's his name? Crowley or something? You know, the weird Scottish one with the limp?"

"Dean, he's not weird, he's just eccentric."

"He threatened to fillet me while some kind of mythical creature dragged me to hell. The kid is certifiable."

Jake fixed him with a hard stare. The one Dean had come to recognize as his 'you are overreacting again' stare. Then he said, "He has an active imagination."

Dean rolled his eyes, "You know what? If I end up in hell being attacked by mythical creatures after having been filleted and the kid goes on a huge killing rampage I damn better get acknowledged as a psychic at my funeral."

Jake sighed but leaned over and kissed him lightly anyway, "Of course, Dean."

"You do realize that you never answered my question right?"

"Sorry, no I don't go and see Crowley until Tuesday, like always."

"Oh." Dean murmured, partly because he really should have remembered that, after all Jake had been seeing Crowley once a week for two months now, and two because Tuesday was kind of the one day of the week he was trying to avoid the hardest. Fortunately he was able to manage to avoid the unavoidable for a bit longer when Jake carded a hand through his and asked how he enjoyed the party.

"It was pretty good for a Sunday barbecue. Did you see Johnny chasing after Cassie? He's getting so big. Can't believe that kid is almost two now."

"He is going to look just like Sam, he already has the floppy brown hair that you adore so much," Jake teased poking him in the side.

"Ugh, I know, poor kid. People will probably mistake him for a girl like they used to do Sammy."

Jake scooted closer to him, still rubbing slow circles across his scalp and not for the first time Dean thought maybe he could be happy with this for the rest of his life, "Cassie was only two when I first met you, do you remember when I finally met her for the first time?"

Dean smiled remembering their first meeting. It hadn't been the swimming success he had hoped for. He had waited about two months until bringing Jake home to meet Cassie because Cassie was a pretty good judge of character for such a little thing and also he had to make sure he was serious. He wasn't giving just anyone face time with his kid. Gabe had been visiting at the time and had found it utterly hilarious when upon meeting him Cassie wagged her finger for Jake to come close before dumping her applesauce on him and falling into a hysterical laughing fit alongside Gabriel. Dean had been slightly mortified, but Jake had only grimaced at Gabriel, then looked back to Dean and laughed.

"Like I could ever forget the great Applesauce Fiasco. I couldn't decide whether it was a disaster or the best thing that ever happened. Guess it wasn't too bad though, you stuck around."

Jake shook his head laughing, "It would take more than smelling like applesauce for a few days to keep me away from you. Not really something I'd care to repeat, though."

Dean laughed too, "You must have been a hit with the kids at work, though. Kids like applesauce right? Well, aside from Cas, obviously."

"Most do, but not the parents. They seemed to find it odd that I smelled like applesauce, some even asked about it. Apparently they found it somewhat off-putting."

"Bastards, all of them, who cares what a kid doctor smells like when they look like you."

Jake rewarded him with another kiss, but also eyed him warily before deciding on something and saying, "Alright out with it."

Dean feigned innocence, "Out with what? My sexuality? That's been out for a long time, dude."

Jake just stared and then took a deep breath, "Dean, I can tell something is bothering you. You've been acting weird ever since you talked with Sam earlier. And now you are avoiding so what's wrong?"

"Ughh," Dean rubbed a hand across his face before looking back at the man he loved, "there is something I should have told you a long time ago, but I knew would piss you off and then there is something I learned today which probably won't upset you too much, but that I don't even want to fucking deal with so, yeah."

"Dean, if the thing that you've been avoiding telling me is that Gabriel is moving back to Lawrence, I already know."

"WHAT? How the hell do you already know? Why didn't you say anything? I've been freaking out for weeks trying to figure out how to tell you."

Jake sighed, "Well it was kind of cute watching you get all worked up over telling me, but I heard you talking on the phone to Sam and I don't know, Dean, but excuse me for not being excited to talk to you about your ex-boyfriend moving back to town. I don't trust Gabriel at all and I don't like him, you know that. I guess I figured if we didn't talk about it then it didn't have to happen."

"Come on J, Gabe really isn't that bad. And we haven't dated for a long time. And even then it wasn't like it was serious or anything, we were kids."

"Not serious? He was your first love, Dean. That is the definition of serious."

And Dean couldn't even lie, not right now, not to Jake. Gabriel had been his first love, his mistake was thinking that Gabe felt the same. Dean might have fallen for Gabriel that summer between sophomore and junior year, but Gabriel, who was a year older and supposedly wiser, hadn't fallen for Dean. They had fooled around a few more times after Dean became the lead singer of his band Winchester and toured the world, meeting up in random cities were Gabriel was on a trip. But then Gabe had met Brad and Dean had met Lisa and they became strictly friends. Flirty friends, but just friends.

"Yeah, okay, he was, but you know that I wasn't his first love. I wasn't his any love, except friend-wise. And that's all we are now, it's all we'll ever be again so I wish you would just try a little harder to get along with him. Cassie would want you to."

Jake reached over and intertwined their fingers, "Fine, but for Cassie, not for Gabriel."

Dean smiled and laid down into the curve of Jake's side, feeling safe and warm and a little pathetic. He was 28 and it was probably only around eight now and he was lying on the couch with his boyfriend falling asleep. Since when the hell did his life become some girly chick flick. This shit was pathetic, he was a badass rock star once, he swears he was.

After a while Jake looked down at him and said, "Dean, you said there was something else."

Since Dean was pathetically comfortable and sleepy he only mumbled something akin to mmmhuh.

"What else did you want to tell me? The thing you 'don't want to fucking deal with'?"

He moved to a slightly more sitting position next to Jake then, "You know my old friend, Castiel? The one in the pictures?"

"Sure, he's in just about every story you've ever told from your childhood. Well, all the good ones anyway. He's the one with the big blue eyes and the trench coat, right?"

For some reason Dean's throat felt suddenly tight. He tried to swallow around the lump that was trying really damn hard to form, "Yeah, that's the one. Well, he's moving back too."

And Jake actually smiled at that, like it was the best news he had heard in a while, "That's great, Dean! I know you've missed him like crazy and now you will finally have a chance to talk and be friends again!"

Dean rolled his eyes but felt this undeniable warmth in his heart for Jake in that moment, "I thought that guys dated their father, not their brother," he joked because damn he was surrounded by girls, screw what biology said.

Jake just laughed, "I think that's girls marrying their fathers and I hope I'm nothing like John Winchester. No offense."

"No, you aren't, at all, thank God."

"So your ex best friend and your ex boyfriend are moving back to town, huh? Any other exes going to be dropping by?"

"I hope not, things will be awkward enough as it is."

"Why is that?"

"You have met my brother, right? The big girl who couldn't mind his own damn business if his life depended on it. He's going to set up a dinner, I know he is and then he's going to try to force Cas and I to sit down and talk about it and blah, blah, blah, you get the idea."

"Is that so bad? Dean, look, I know you hate chick flick moments and confronting your past and I know that Cas hurt you. I don't know how or why or whatever because you don't talk about it, but even after ten years I know you care about him so why not just let Sam interfere, he will anyway, and get your friend back."

"Why is everyone so convinced I still care about some guy that I was friends with ten years ago?"

Jake looked up toward the mantle where the picture of him and Cas smiling like huge dorks and holding up their diplomas in caps and gowns hung. The centerpiece of the whole mantle, Jake tilted his head like that was all the proof he needed and then he said, "And because you have his trench coat hidden behind those suits in your closet in some plastic cover."

"Does everyone go through my fucking closet while I'm gone? Do y'all have some kind of sick fetish that I should know about?"

He was getting a bit worked up, which was ridiculous. He knew that he wasn't mad at Jake, he was just mad at being forced to deal with Cas, by being told by everyone how much he cared because damn he didn't want to. Not after all this time, not when Cas didn't care anymore.

"Dean, don't do this. Don't shut yourself off, we only care because we love you and we want you to be happy."

"If you want me to be happy then leave me the fuck alone about Cas, okay? I don't want to talk about it right now."

Jake sighed and then made sure Dean was looking before throwing his hands up in mock surrender, "Okay, Dean, my lips are sealed I promise. I will not say anything else about he-who-must-not-be-named."

Dean felt kind of like an ass, but he didn't like to talk about his feelings, especially not when Cas was involved. After a while of sitting there and watching some crime drama, God only knew which one they were all the same, he looked up at Jake and mouthed 'I'm sorry.'

"Don't mention it, D, I understand."

"I'm a dick."

"Sometimes, but I love you anyway."

"And you're a girl."

"Sometimes, but you love me anyway."

And Dean knew that was true so he curled into his side and drifted off to sleep feeling luckier than he had in a really long time.

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><p><em>So I'm thinking Gabriel is going to make a surprise early visit in the next chapter and shake things up. It's Gabriel so why not? I don't' know if anyone is even reading this fic anymore, but whatever I'm going to keep writing it because I like it. Review if you want, if not it's no biggie.<em>


	3. I Don't Want to Want You

**A/N:** _OMG so apparently there are people besides myself reading this! I had no idea, and now I'm kind of nervous because I want to make you happy and myself happy and ahhh pressure, but I'm just going to follow the characters and right now I know exactly where they are going. Hope you enjoy the ride._

**Disclaimer:** _I think we've covered who is and who isn't mine._

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><p><strong>I Don't Want to Want You<strong>

Gabriel walked up the sidewalk toward the dark red door of Dean's place. He guessed, technically, it was Dean and Jake's place since Jake had moved in about three months ago, but he didn't really like to think about that because it made his heart clinch in a way that he pretended didn't happen. Sure he loved Dean, but hell he loved Sam too and that sure as hell wasn't anything but platonic. And Dean, well he was Dean, and okay he was pretty much perfection in male form, but whatever he didn't want to think about it right now.

He smiled a little at having an argument with his self, pausing outside the door for a moment to wonder exactly when he had become Dean and not just Dean Winchester, his annoying little brother's really pretty friend. When he stopped being the kid that he avoided on Friday nights when he and Cas would watch old reruns of Clint Eastwood movies, the kid who ate all the chocolate ice-cream at his house and made his mother smile and happily agree to give him another piece of pecan pie even though she gave him the stink eye if he so much as hinted at wanting another piece. The kid who convinced Cas to put shaving cream on his hand while he was passed out one day, who excelled at baseball and was actually a hell of a lot smarter than anyone would know by his less than stellar grades.

He supposed it could have been the time when Dean and Cas were ten and he had found them out back in that stupid treehouse his dad had built and Dean's usually sparkling green eyes were full of tears and he wore a swollen lip and looked like the entire world was going to end. Maybe it was when he had spotted the kid take a beating for Sammy and Cas willingly, when he played the guitar and instead of making it sound good he made it sound like rain in the middle of a hot summer day or being cozy and bundled up next to a fire in the dead of winter; like the music itself was alive. Or maybe it was after he beat up that bully when Dean and Cas were Freshmen and Dean had snuck into his room and left him a whole bag of Oreos with a post-it note on top that simply said, Thanks, –D.

Shaking himself from those thoughts, because he was pretty sure someone was going to come out of the bushes with a hidden camera at any moment and he was going to have to somehow banish them to hell for catching him being so utterly pathetic, he walked up toward the door laughing when he saw a tiny bear on the top step. Cassie probably dropped it earlier and either she was dead asleep or Dean was, because that was the only way neither would notice Mr. Cotton Candy, or CeeCee for short, was missing. He reached down and brushed it off before grabbing his key and reaching for the knob, which was suddenly gone as he was faced with all 6'2 of Jake Adams, decked full out in his hospital scrubs. When Gabriel wasn't being biased he admitted to himself that the man was attractive as all hell, nowhere close to as attractive as Dean, of course, but hell that was like asking a kitten to be a lion.

His voice sounded more shocked than angry when he said, "Gabriel, hey, what are you doing here at 4:30 in the morning?"

Gabriel had been expecting a more upset response, this meant that Dean must have at least told him he was coming, though he knew neither were expecting him at this exact moment, he wasn't supposed to be there until Tuesday, after all. Too bad Jake didn't seem as pissy as usual, that would have been fun to fuck with.

He smirked as he responded, it wasn't like he had promised Dean he was going to be nice, or anything. Fuck it maybe he had, but really it's not like Dean expected him to keep that promise. He knew him, after all, "Ehh, you know, the usual. Here to steal your man and raid your candy."

He considered it a personal victory when he saw Jake's jaw tense a little bit. He knew he was being a dick, and poor lil Jake-y didn't deserve it, but whatever he was Dean's best friend these days and it was his job to look after Dean by making sure his boyfriend, probably fiancé soon and damn husband one day, knew how to take a joke. If he was going to spend the rest of his life with Dean then he needed to get used to his crazy ass.

"Gabriel, please, it's 4 in the morning and I'm not in the mood for this right now. Tell Dean I had to go to the ER because there was an emergency."

Gabriel sighed, well that wasn't nearly as fun as he had hoped for.

He mock saluted and said, "Of course, Dr. Adams. Anything else?"

Jake just sighed, "Yeah, stop being such a dick. You live here now, we are going to have to see each other a lot and I'd rather not give Dean a headache every day because I cannot stand having you anywhere near me."

"You realize asking me to be nice to you is like asking a cat to suddenly love water. It's just not going to happen."

Jake sighed rubbing a hand over his face, "Why, Gabe? Because I am so fucking bad for Dean, is that it? You think he can do so much better? I know I'm not famous and I can't give him all the material things that someone with more money could, but I love him and I love Cassie more then you can possibly imagine. Maybe I don't deserve him, but I'm trying here, okay? I'm damn sure trying."

And fuck because that isn't what he meant. He was just being his usual self. He was a dick, that's all he meant. And as much as he hated to admit it, Jake was good for Dean. He was a doctor for fucks sake. He took care of them, treated Dean like he was some precious and rare jewel that deserved to be treasured every moment of the day, and most of the time when they fought it was Jake that crawled back after a pathetically short amount of time apologizing, even when it wasn't his fault because he couldn't stand Dean being mad at him.

He threw his hands up in defeat and took a step back.

"That's not what I mean, Jake. I'm just…me and sometimes that means I'm going to be a dick, you'll learn to love that part of me too, no worries everyone does. And, as much as I hate to say it, you are good to him and you love him, okay? Nobody on this whole damn earth really deserves Dean. It's Dean, but you are about as close as I know to someone who does. I'm an ass, I know I am, but that doesn't mean I want you out of Dean's life, it just means I'm testing you to make sure you deserve to be in it. So far, I don't hate you. I'd consider it a success if I were you."

And then Jake surprised the fuck out of him and actually laughed. Gabriel thought it was most likely sleep deprivation or some shit because he knew that Jake had never laughed at him before, and he was damn funny.

"You know what, Gabriel, I actually think I might like you."

And what the fuck was this? He didn't get a chance to ask because Jake just kept on smiling and then passed him, walked to his car, and drove away. He stood there for a moment longer thinking that he might be able to tolerate Jake from now on before stepping inside and closing the door lightly.

He crept down the hallway and up the stairs to Cassie's room. He knew she would be sleeping and the door would be cracked with the nightlight on because, like her dad when he was younger even though he'd deny it, she was scared of the dark. Or more accurately what was in the dark that you couldn't see. He creaked open the door a little further and walked inside. Her bed draped with the covers he bought her, she was tucked in clinging to a stuffed cat that Dean had gotten her for birthday, and she was wearing her favorite pajamas. For the briefest of moments he allowed his mind to pretend he was coming home from a long day of work to his family. That they were his Cassie and his Dean. That they would wake up soon and he would make them breakfast and they would sit around the table and rush around as Dean got Cassie ready for school and he got ready for work and they'd kiss at the doorway and he'd drive her to school because it was closer to his office than Dean's record shop and they'd spend Friday nights eating at Cas' house and Sunday's with Sam and they would be happy, the way he dreamt they would be when they were kids and the world seemed like it belonged to him. Like the way he thought it could go when he was a teenager and Dean and him made so much sense he never really thought of another possible future.

The future he lived in now so far from anything he had thought it could be. He never thought that Dean and Cas would stop being best friends. Never thought he'd see the day where Cas got married and had kids and Dean wasn't standing by him on the alter and in the waiting room as his children were delivered. Never thought he'd see the day that Dean sacrificed his career for his child and Cas wasn't there to pick up the pieces when he was left to raise a baby on his own. Or the day that Dean's dad finally got arrested and Cas wasn't standing on the steps waiting when he got home and almost did something really, really fucking stupid.

By all logical accounts he should forget both of those stupid futures he had plans for. The one that included him and Dean and Cassie now being a family and the one where Cas and Dean were friends again, but he couldn't. Well, he could try and forget about the first one, because as much as may secretly want that life in the deepest darkest parts of his mind that he barely even allows himself to see, he knows that Dean is happy, that Dean is loved and hell he'd be the biggest dick alive to take that away from him. But Dean and Cas, well that's a different story. They were meant to be friends, best friends, they needed each other. He heard it in every story that Cas told his friends and his kids about his best friend growing up. Heard it in the way Cas' voice would lift a little when he mentioned something that Dean used to do. Knew it because Dean had that trench coat in the back of his closet and that picture in his living room. Knew it because of a million other things that told him they still loved each other and he would make sure they remembered it too.

Placing a small kiss on the top of Cassie's head he made his way down the hall to his designated bedroom before he noticed a light in the coming from downstairs that he missed on his way up. Making his way down the stairs and into the living room he saw that the TV was on some channel that played classic rock. Smiling to himself he went to turn it off and realized that Dean had fallen asleep on the couch in his clothes from yesterday and even his shoes. Gabriel shook his head before taking his own shoes and coat off and lifting Dean's head lightly before taking the place of the pillow he had been sleeping on. Dean stirred slightly shifting until his head was looking up at Gabriel. His short hair was slightly flattened against one side of his face and his eyes were blinking and sleepy, his lips slightly wet from having just been licked and if Gabriel had thought about it he would have admitted that he had never seen anything more beautiful and that included the seven wonders of the world.

"Gabriel?" Dean inquired in his sleep laden voice and damn did it sound good, not that he was letting himself think those kinds of things.

"You guessed it kiddo."

Dean yawned, "Is this a dream?"

He couldn't help the smirk then, "Do you often dream about me, Deano? Is there a lot of candy coated sex involved?"

Dean shifted slightly where he was laying and rubbed a hand over his face, glaring

in the dark, "Definitely not a dream, pretty sure my subconscious wouldn't make you be such a dick, but what are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here until tomorrow afternoon, right?"

He put his hand in Dean's hair and carded his fingers through it the way he remembered Dean had liked when they were together, what seemed like a lifetime ago. And since Dean was turned on his back now he placed his free hand on Dean's chest protectively. It was a testament to their friendship and trust that Dean only mewled a little and closed his eyes again. Gabriel tried not to think that this was the most at home he'd felt in years.

"I know, but I got so bored and this one company folded easier than I thought. It means I have to make a trip to Greece sooner than I'd like, but whatever it makes me richer so I don't care so much."

Dean huffed out a laugh, "Because the one thing you really need more of is money, right Gabe?"

"Exactly, Deano, exactly. Can never have too much money."

"Wait, I thought you loved Greece, why are you complaining about it, now?"

Gabriel sighed, "I never had somewhere I'd rather be until now."

"I can't see where you'd rather be than fucking Greece man, it's perfect."

Gabriel stopped himself just short of telling Dean that this moment right here with Cassie upstairs, this would be perfect if it was his life. He wanted to say that this is what he wanted. Dean and Cassie. For them to be a family. For Papa Gabriel to be less of a name and more of a job title. That all the beautiful places in the world could never add up to being here with them, but he didn't because that wasn't fair to Dean and he wasn't supposed to be thinking it himself. He had moved on, he had to. He would. He should.

Instead he sighed and said, "I don't know, Dean, it just doesn't hold the same appeal."

Dean opened his eyes again then and said, "Did something happen with Cole that you didn't tell me about?"

Gabriel laughed, "I guess, not really, nothing really started with Cole to stop. He said he'd probably visit and help me move in if I needed. We were just friends, Dean. No need to look so sad for me."

Dean tilted his head to the side and said, "Friends who fucked."

"You say that with such judgment, Dean, but isn't that what we were once."

Dean mumbled then, "I thought maybe it was a little bit more than that." And his voice broke something inside Gabriel who leaned down and kissed his forehead forcing him to look at him again.

"It was, Dean. I'm sorry, I guess I'm tired. You know it's almost 5 am."

Dean sighed and closed his eyes again for a brief moment before something seemed to click for him, "Hey, is Jake upstairs asleep because you know if he happens to come down here and sees us like this it is going to royally fuck up my week. I really will be sleeping on the couch for a while."

"He's not here he had to go. Some emergency at the ER, I ran into him outside."

Dean grimaced and covered his eyes with his arm before saying, "Oh, God. Was there a fight? Were you a dick because…"

"Relax, Dean, I was a perfect gentlemen."

When Dean lowered his hand and gave him a hard stare he relented, "Okay so maybe I wasn't a perfect gentlemen, but I was okay and Jake even said he likes me now."

"What? Dude, did you find that opium pipe again?"

"I'm offended you would even suggest that."

Another glare.

"Alright I'm not offended, but really, he likes me now. Or he kind of likes me, I can't remember it's too early or late and I was on a plane all night."

"The plane ride is like an hour."

"Dear lord, how does Jake deal with this shit. Shut the fuck up, close those pretty little eyes of yours and go to sleep."

"Seriously, you are being an ass now, I'm in a pretty vulnerable spot Gabriel, and I could fuck shit up from where I'm laying."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Wanna bet."

"I thought you were tired, go to sleep."

"You were the one who said you were tired."

"You were asleep until ten minutes ago."

"And now I'm awake."

"Do you live to argue with me?"

"It's my greatest goal in life."

"Then you must lead a sad life."

"Pshh, do you know who you are talking to."

"Yeah the jackass who is refusing to let anyone get any sleep."

"I thought you weren't tired."

"I will smother you with this pillow."

"Go ahead, but then you definitely won't get to sleep for a while."

"Why do I put up with this shit?"

"Because you love me."

"You wish."

"I know."

"Dean."

"Gabriel."

Gabriel goes to move because as much as he is enjoying this little flirting fight he is fucking tired and wants to get some sleep tonight, this morning, whatever, he just wants sleep. Dean's hand on his stills him.

Dean leans up a little and kicks off his boots as he does so, "Stop being such a bitch and just stay here, you're comfortable and I really am tired."

Gabriel relents and sits in a slouching position on the couch, "Dean, you know there are two perfectly comfortable beds upstairs we could sleep in, we're a little old to be falling asleep in our clothes on the couch, don't you think?"

And the only reason he even says it is because he wants to go to sleep with Dean on the couch, wants to fall asleep leaning back with Deans head on his lap and his hands in Dean's hair. Wants it more than he should, wants it more than he even lets himself think about.

Dean sighs, "Stop thinking and just lie down and go to sleep. The beds will be there tomorrow night."

And he doesn't say it but Gabriel hears the silent, _we won't be_, in that statement. It is something they'll pretend never happened tomorrow. They'll wake up and when the sunlight streams through the windows at them they'll shift away from each other and go back to being friends, and not two guys who cling to each other in the shadows of darkness that echo throughout the living room. He should say no, should get up and walk away leaving Dean on this couch by himself, should do it for himself, for his sanity, for his heart. But he won't, he can't. Not when Dean is laying there and asking him to stay. For all his bravado and strength he could never say no to Dean. Not really.

"Okay fine, but if you squish me with your humongous head there will be hell to pay."

"Are you trying to start another argument, you know we have to get up in like two hours, right? Cassie will screech like a fucking banshee when she sees you here."

"Go to sleep, Deano."

"Shut up, Gabe."

And at that he lays back fully, head thrown across the back of the couch, feet resting on the coffee table in front of him, his right hand carding through Dean's hair thoughtlessly and his left hand draped over Dean's chest. He inwardly curses himself for thinking that this is the most comfortable he has been in a long time, hell in years, probably. Because this is only for the next couple hours. Still he can't help but groan a bit when Dean's head digs a little deeper into its position on his legs and he drifts off to sleep thinking that coming in early was both the best and worst idea he had in a very long time.

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><p><em>Eeeek so I hope you all liked it. I changed things up a bit with Gabriels point of view. Dean is returning next chapter to deal with waking up in Gabe's arms, so to speak. Well what are you waiting for? REVIEW.<em>


	4. Makeshift Family

**A/N:** _It makes me seriously happy that people are reading this story. Personally, I adore it, or else I wouldn't keep writing it, but it is nice to know I'm not alone. Oh and if anyone is wondering what Jake looks like, well in my mind he is kind of a loosely interpreted mix of Ryan Gosling and Michael Rosenbaum :)_

**Disclaimer:** _Cassie and Jake are mine, everyone else I am simply borrowing._

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><p><strong>Makeshift Family<strong>

As happened so often in his house, instead of being awoken by the clean crisp sound of classic rock blaring out of his phone, it was the pitter patter of tiny feet carding through the hallway upstairs that caused him to stir. Moving to stretch his arms out he became aware of two things. One he was so not in his bed with Jake, two he was on the couch with Gabriel. _Fuck_. He felt legs shift under him as soon as he began rubbing a hand over his eyes and damn, it was not safe to be this close to Gabe this early when he was still so tired and confused and all he wanted to do was cuddle into his friends' warmth and never leave.

He looked up to see clear hazel eyes glaring down at him as if he somehow held the key to this whole mystery, as if he was keeping some pertinent bit of information from him that would make everything that was murky clear again. He sure as hell didn't, though, and if he did he did not have it this fucking early in the morning. Instead of immediately jumping up, like he should do, like he would do in just a second, he shifted softly so that he was laying close and next to Gabriel instead of on top of him. In the morning light he felt kind of bad for squishing him, dude was only 5'8 compared to his 6'1, after all.

He was about to comment on it when he heard the sink shut off upstairs, which meant that Cassie had brushed her teeth and was going to bumble downstairs any second, way too chipper for seven in the morning. Scientists should study little kids ample amounts of energy, because at 28 he was already pathetically unprepared for such enthusiasm in every waking moment.

"Hey, Gabe, do you remember last night when I said she was going to flip her shit when she saw you?"

Gabe lazily rubbed the sleep from his eyes and mumbled something that vaguely resembled the word yes, so he took it as initiate to continue talking.

"Well, get ready because here she comes."

Almost as soon as the words left his mouth a loud thumping came from the direction of the stairs. Dean thought it was probably time to move from his position on the couch, but it was only Cassie and she was three, he was pretty sure she wasn't going to freak out if she saw them laying on the couch together, she had no clue there would be anything strange about that fact, anyway. So he stayed. It wasn't justification, he didn't have anything to justify, it was just he was still kind of tired and Gabe was seriously fucking comfortable.

As soon as Cassie rounded the corner her screech of, "PAPA GABRIEL!" came. Damn his kid was loud, he made a mental note to ask Sammy if he had heard her from across the street later, it wouldn't surprise him at all if he had.

Gabe smiled wrapping his arms around her when she flew at him like some kind of projectile object, "Munchkin, how are things hanging?"

Dean laughed when Cassie simply gave him a look that said, 'what are you talking about?' and said, "Do you live with us now? Daddy said you lived here now and we could see you as much as we wanted. If you don't like your room you can always sleep with me. Daddy has to share with Jake, or else I'm sure he would let you sleep with him."

Dean counted his blessings that he had not yet had the presence of mind to make and be in the process of consuming coffee because he would have just spit it everywhere. What was that show with Bill Cosby that used to come on? The one about kids and all the shit they say? Whatever it was, it was right. Kids have no filter.

As it was Gabriel simply smirked and said, "I am actually going to have my own house, Cas, but it is going to have a room in it just for you and I will even let you help me pick out everything you want to go in it."

Cassie looked like someone had just told her she was going to have a personal chat with Santa himself. Dean couldn't help the smile that spread across his face when his little girl looked like that. He'd have to thank Gabe later for being able to put that look of unbridled joy on his kids face.

"Really, Papa Gabriel?"

"Of course, sweetheart. It's your room; you can do whatever you want with it!"

"What about Daddy? Does he get his own room too? Can we have sleepovers at your house?"

Dean looked over to Gabriel, ready to intervene whenever the other man was overwhelmed, though, really he doubted he would be needed, he was even tempted to just get up and start the coffee. After all Gabe had been with him through it all. He was at the hospital when Maria gave birth, he was there when Dean brought Cassie home and cried on the floor of the living room because Maria had left with only a note. Cried because he was 25 and not ready to grow up yet, cried because how the fuck was he supposed to raise a baby when he barely took care of himself most of the time, cried because his little girl who he already loved more fiercely then he could ever have imagined was going to grow up motherless, all because of him. Gabriel had been the one to rub soothing circles in his back as he rocked back and forth scared to death to even breathe too loudly around this little girl who looked up at him with such trust in her eyes he could barely even form coherent thoughts.

He was torn from his reminiscing when Gabriel turned to him and winked before saying, "Daddy can have his own room if he wants, but he could always sleep with me, I might get lonely in my bed all by myself after all."

Dean narrowed his eyes, but Cassie shot even further into Gabriel's personal space and threw her arms around his neck once more, holding on like her life depended on it. She sighed and said, "We can both stay with you then and we can all sleep in the big bed like we used to in the pictures from when I was just a little baby."

Gabriel smiled, "I would like that."

Dean huffed, "I bet you would."

He was just about to say screw it and actually move his lazy ass, because like it or not, this was not summer which meant that he had to take Cassie to pre-school and even if he didn't work started in two hours and he didn't want to be late, some big shipment was supposed to come in today, which really meant he was going to waste half the day waiting and not working on paperwork that needed to be done, like last week, but so was his glamorous life these days.

He was heaving himself up when he was thrown back by the force of a three year old hug and kiss attack, "Good morning, Daddy, I love you this much!" Cassie screamed as she covered his face with kisses and held onto him like he was the last life boat on the Titanic.

This was always one of his favorite parts of the day. When Cassie would wake up and be all giddy, even and maybe especially when he wasn't, and just kiss him and hug him and remind him that he had a pretty damn amazing life. Sure, sometimes he missed the endless arenas full of adoring and screaming fans, but this, waking up and being smothered with love from his daughter, picking her up and listening to her insane stories, and having a place to call home that he could bring her every night, this life he had built. This little girl, she was so much better than any of that could ever hope to be. He still had his guitar; he still played every night and sang to Jake, Cassie, Sam, and Carmen, all of them. Still played little mini-concerts for his family. And the crowd that cheered for him at the end of those nights, well, they were the best crowd he could ever hope to have.

Dean chuckled, "Oh good, I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me. I may need a few more kisses to feel better."

Cassie looked at him with wide eyes before saying, "I would never forget about you, Daddy. You are my number one guy in the whole wide world!" And then she smothered him with even more kisses.

Dean kissed her on the cheek and said, "Well, you know, you happen to be my favorite girl in the entire world. And I love you all the way to the moon and back, and that's a pretty long way."

"I love you that much too! Even more!"

He ruffled her hair, "Ehhh afraid that's not possible, kiddo."

"Uh-huh, I do love you more, ask Papa Gabriel!"

Dean looked over to Gabe with a smile and he heard him say, "Got to agree with your old man here, honey, only because he's older and has had more practice."

Cassie seemed to take this into consideration before huffing a small amount and turning her full gaze on Dean again before saying, "Well fine, but I love Daddy a whole lot."

He smiled and pulled her into a hug, "I know you do, babe."

"And if I had to choose, Papa Gabriel is my number two guy in the whole wide world because I love him lots too," she said pulling back and looking Dean dead in the eye, "you don't think Uncle Sammy or Ja-Ja will be mad do you?"

Dean laughed and he could see a genuine smile cross Gabe's face, "No, Cas, I think Uncle Sammy and Jake will understand."

"Good, cause I love them too!"

"I know, but look I got to go and take a shower and make coffee and breakfast now, though, and you need to get dressed so how is this going to work?"

Gabriel sat up and said, "How about I turn on the coffee and take her to get dressed, you hop in the shower really quick and then hasten yourself down and make some eggs and toast for everyone."

"Sounds like a plan, what do you say, Cassie?"

She crossed her little arms and Dean shuddered to think if she was already this adorably controlling at three what her teen years were going to be like, "As long as I get to pick out what I'm wearing."

"As long as you don't wear a cape I'm going to go with okay."

"What about a tutu?"

"Which one?"

"My red one."

"Well what shirt are you going to wear?"

Gabe cut in then, "Oh for God's sake, seriously? Is this conversation happening? What the fu…dge, come on Cas, sweetie we are going upstairs and you can wear whatever you want, Daddy is going to take a shower so he doesn't make everyone late!"

Dean huffed and watched as Gabe swooped Cassie up with one arm and carried her toward her bedroom laughing the entire way. He didn't even notice until he was in the shower that Cassie hated it when Jake tried to help her get dressed. He tried not to wonder what it meant that his daughter loved Gabriel only second to Dean, didn't care if he helped her get dressed, and wanted them all to have sleepovers. It didn't mean anything, anyway, right? She was three; she didn't know what she was suggesting. And she loved Jake, she really did. Granted, clearly not as much as Gabe, but that didn't mean anything. It didn't.

It wasn't until Dean had gotten out of the shower, dressed, and was downstairs cooking the eggs that Gabriel and Cassie appeared in the kitchen both laughing at something that Dean wasn't even going to bother asking about. He noticed that Cassie had decided on her red tutu, AC/DC shirt, tiny red sparkly converse and a dark pair of jeans. His own little tiny rock star. The idea made him laugh.

After a moment Gabriel took on a fake British accent as he sat Cassie in her booster seat and said, "Manservant, is the food prepared yet?"

Dean rolled his eyes, "And the pathetic part is that you actually think that's funny."

"Nope, Deano, I know I'm funny."

"Again, sad thing is you believe it."

Dean put the tiny plate of eggs and toast with a small cup of orange juice in front of Cassie, before grabbing the big plate of eggs and the pitcher of milk and sitting down beside Gabriel.

"I am funny, aren't I angel?"

"Yep!" Cassie chirped from Dean's left.

"I don't think that counts, Gabe."

He mocked offense, "I'm deeply upset you would even imply that Cassie's impeccable taste, both in men and humor, is anything short of completely spectacular."

Cassie just looked at them both with her wide eyed expression, did the thing where she cocked her head slightly to the side, which never failed to remind Dean of Castiel, and went back to eating. Their confusing conversation clearly boring her past the point of caring.

"Gabriel, I'm sure you are tired of hearing this by now, but stop being a dick and eat your breakfast."

Cassie looked up at him with wide eyes, even though he knew she had heard him say it before, having a kid didn't change who he was, sometimes he cussed, he couldn't help it.

After a moment she piped up, "Daddy, what's a dick."

He smirked,"It's what your Papa Gabriel is."

She nodded as if considering if she should ask for more information, apparently she decided against it because she said, "Oh, okay."

Gabe, however, looked offended, "Dean! Don't tell her that, she's going to get in trouble if she says it at school."

Suddenly Dean remembered why Gabe and Sam got along so good at times, they were both secretly big fucking girls. He shoved a forkful of eggs in his mouth and said, "Cas, honey, are you going to tell anyone that your Papa Gabriel is a dick."

"No, 'cause you said before that I isn't supposed to say that word."

He kissed her on the head as he got up to put his dishes in the sink, "That's right, sweetie."

Gabriel looked kind of pissed though so he added somewhat jokingly, "Okay, fine, Papa Gabriel isn't a dick all the time, sometimes he's Prince Charming on a white steed come to sweep us off our feet."

Cassie's eyes lit up, "Like in a fairy tale?"

Dean laughed, "Exactly, like in a fairy tale."

The smirk returned as Gabriel put his own dishes up, "You do realize that would make you the damsel in distress right?"

Dean smiled, "As long as we live happily ever after I'll be the fuc…umm the fairy god mother."

A mischievous glint appeared in Gabe's eyes and he said, "Does that mean you'll grant me any wish I want?"

"You wish."

Gabe winked at him, "What my wish is your command, right?"

Dean rolled his eyes, turning his attention back to Cassie, "You done, baby, because we need to get on the road pretty soon."

Cassie nodded, but then turned her huge eyes on him and got that puppy dog look that he knew Sam had taught her and said, "But Daddy, do I have to go today? Papa Gabriel just got here!"

"And he's not going anywhere, besides isn't there some kind of party for that one kid in your class, today…or something?"

He could see Gabriel roll his eyes at him when he muttered, "How observant, Deano."

Cassie sighed and crossed her little arms, "But I don't even like Shelby, she told me I was a freak because I was supposed to have a mommy and I don't."

Dean took a deep breath and tried to control his expression before he turned around. What the actual fuck. Cassie hadn't said anything before.

Dean leaned down so he was face to face with his little girl. What the fuck was wrong with people nowadays that he had to tell his daughter that love was love regardless of gender when she was still in damn pre-school. He rubbed a hand over his face and spoke softly, "Cassie, you never said anything before. When did this happen? Has this been happening?"

He was about to keep asking questions when he felt Gabriel's hand on his shoulder. It shouldn't feel as comforting as it did. He briefly allowed himself to think that of course Gabriel would be here for this moment, he'd been there for every other difficult moment in his life that involved the angel sitting right in front of him. Without thinking he reached back and let his hand intertwine with the one Gabriel had on his shoulder. Just in case.

"She said it on Friday, Daddy, and it was the first time. I told her she was being a stupid face and she said that I was the stupid face and I didn't even know it. She said kids are supposed to have a mommy and a daddy and since I doesn't then that means that I am weird and she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore."

Dean sighed. He hated prejudice more than anything. He had dealt with his fair share of it, hell his own father shunned him for being born in a way that he sure as fuck couldn't control. But what he remembers from adolescence, isn't being shunned or hated at school, though a fair share of bully's had tried to beat him to a living pulp, what he remembers the most is a kind of overwhelming kindness. He remembers the principal reaching out and letting Gabriel take him to prom. He remembers anonymous letters of support in his locker. He remembers acceptance more than ostracism. It was one of the reasons he had chosen to come back to Lawrence of all places, because as weird as it seems that a tolerant town would exist in the South-ish area of Kansas it did. And he hated to think that his kid was forced to deal with ignorance when all she had done was be born. He had chosen to come out, chosen to live his life and accept whatever may come, but his little girl didn't get a choice in the matter and he hated it for her that his life made hers even a smidge more difficult.

Dean reached his free hand out and took his baby girl's face in his hand, "I'm sorry, Cas."

She looked at him with wide, honest eyes and said, "Why?"

"I'm sorry that you lost your friend."

"I don't want to be her friend anyway, shes the stupid face, Daddy, not me. Kids doesn't has to have a mommy and a daddy. I told her I had two daddies and that they were way better than her just one mommy and she was just mad because my daddies were so much most awesomer than hers."

Dean couldn't help but laugh at that. He could see Gabriel crack a smile too.

"So it doesn't bother you that you don't have a mommy?"

'No, Daddy, Aunt Carmen is good enough for me!"

Dean smiled, "If you are sure kiddo."

Cassie just nodded like she didn't understand the conversation that was happening anyway. And in a lot of ways he figured she probably didn't. Not yet. One day she would come and ask about her mommy, one day she would have a million questions. He just hoped he would be able to answer them when that day came.

After a moment Gabriel said, "Well what did she say to that? I mean when you told her your dads were awesomer?"

Casie sighed, "She said my daddies weresn't awesomer, but I told her she didn't even know my daddies so she didn't know and she said she had seen Daddy and Jake before so she knew, and that is just silly isn't it Papa, that she thinks Ja-Ja would be my other daddy."

Dean took a moment to appreciate just how fucking awesome his kid was before her words sunk in, he looked back at Gabriel who looked just as confused as he felt before he said, "Wait, hun, who is your other daddy? Besides me, I mean"

Cassie gave him this look that said he was actually the three year old in this equation and she was clearly superior before saying, "Duh, it's Papa Gabriel!"

And Dean heard a strangled noise come from behind him, which he knew was probably Gabriel tearing up and trying not to show it so he squeezed his hand a little harder and turned back to Cassie.

"Of course it is. Now, next time someone says something to you tell the teacher okay. And maybe no more name calling? That'd be nice. And yes, you still have to go to school, but how about today Papa Gabe and I both walk you in, that way you can show Shelby whats-her-face that your daddies really are the best? Now run go get your backpack so we can head out."

Cassie nodded enthusiastically and ran upstairs. Most likely just excited that her time with Gabe could last a little longer.

Dean figured now was as good a moment as any to get up from his kneeling position on the floor so he let go of Gabriel's hand and turned to face him. He could see that his face was alight with the knowledge that this amazing little girl thought he was important enough to place in the same category as her Daddy. If Dean was honest he was proud of his baby girl too. He knew she was smart enough to know who would be a permanent fixture in her life. What he didn't know was why the thought of Cassie thinking Gabriel was her daddy too, made his chest feel warmer.

He smiled up at Gabe and said, "So congratulations it's a girl."

And when Gabriel looked in his eyes with all the warmth and compassion he knew had always been there it wasn't his fault that he had to reach out and hug him. Guy looked like every wish he had ever had was just handed to him on a silver platter and he had no fucking clue what to do with it. And when he heard a soft, muffled cry come out of Gabriel's mouth he just held him tighter against his chest, murmuring softly and rubbing his back.

So he whispered, "I know, Gabe, believe me I know." Because he did. Gabriel loved Cassie as much as Dean did, loved her for just as long as Dean had and to be told by this amazing little girl that she loved him too, just as fiercely, well hell that was something. Really, it was everything.

After a moment Gabe pulled away and smiled, wiping his eyes and Dean could tell chastising himself for acting like such a girl, but really, Dean wasn't about to mock him. At least not quite yet. There would be plenty of time for that later.

They went into the hall and saw Cassie standing by the door, "I'm ready!" she yelled and Gabriel bent down and scooped her up, carrying her to Dean's Impala and sighing.

"I love this car, Dean, you know I do, but are you ever going to get over it? You aren't sixteen anymore."

"Are you high?" Dean questioned shooting Gabriel a look before bending down and running a soothing hand along his baby and whispering, "Don't listen to him, baby, he's still bitter about prom night and what he didn't get to do in the backseat."

Gabriel glared, Cassie smiled and Dean thought if his life was filled with moments like this one it would be perfect. And if when all three of them walked into Cassie's pre-school that morning a few of the parents made hushed whispers and not-so-discreet points then Dean pretended not to notice it, because really he was too fucking happy to give a shit.

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><p><em>What is this chapter? I don't even know…I really don't. It, yeah, it's kind of random, I realize but it was necessary to further this story, so I hope you enjoyed it. Also random side note the only three year old I've ever been around is my nephew and he's legit so if my impression of Cassie are way off of what is typical, just assume she is legit and move on. REVIEW?<em>


	5. Faith

**A/N:** I took a bit to get this update to you, and I'm sorry about that. I'll have you know this is the longest fic that I have ever written so it is a bit overwhelming at times. In fact, this is probably the longest thing in general I've ever written so. I have no real excuse for the amount of time this is taking, unless you count having absolutely no idea of how to continue at first counts as an excuse, in which case I totally do. And thanks to all the Dabriel shippers and non-Dabriel shippers out there for giving this a chance. Personally, Destiel is my OTP, but for some reason this fic wanted to be Dabriel and well, who am I to argue with these characters? It would be pointless and they'd still get their way and I would merely have a headache and a fic full of bad writing if I went against them, not to mention I'm still not sure if this will be Dabriel or Destiel. Anyway. Read. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** Property of Eric Kripke. That's really all that needs to be said.

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><p><strong>Faith<br>**

They had been in the shop for a few hours when Dean heard something crash from somewhere behind him and asked himself again why he had thought it would be a good idea to bring Gabriel to the shop with him today. It was weird because in a lot of ways Gabe had grown up incrementally since they had first left this town. He had started his own candy shop, which had morphed into his own candy company, which had somehow turned into a multi-million dollar enterprise even though Dean was relatively sure he had never seen Gabriel in a suit, outside of prom night, and that was one night he tried really fucking hard not to think about for any length of time. But as much as he had grown up since then, and especially since Cassie had come along, it was like he had this limit. He could only be that grown up for 10% of time or else he'd spontaneously combust or some shit. The other 90% of the time he was a complete dick, a prankster, a trickster, a dodgy motherfucker and well basically just an ass. Even so, there was something about Gabe that had always felt like home to Dean in a way that few people ever really had. He touched a part of Dean in a way that really nobody aside from Sam, Cassie and...well her namesake, ever had and ever could. It was ridiculous and girly as hell, which is why he would most likely never admit it out loud, but that didn't stop it from being true. It also didn't stop Gabriel from being as annoying as all fuck sometimes and now was definitely one of those times.

Dean took a deep sigh and put down the book that he had been using to catalog his inventory. He rubbed a hand over his face and shouted, "What the fuck did you break this time, Gabe? If it was another Led Zeppelin album I'm going to have to ban your ass from this store forever. That shit's sacred."

"Why do you assume I broke something?" he heard from somewhere to his left.

"Because you did."

"Fine, but it wasn't your precious Led Zeppelin, which if you really adored them so damn much then why did you name your shop after AC/DC, huh? Or you did realize that is who you named the store after right?"

Dean turned around to see that Gabriel had come out from whatever shelf he'd been behind holding the broken remnants of an album in his hands. He rolled his eyes, "Shut the fuck up, Gabriel."

"Stop being a big bag of dicks, Dean."

"Seriously, how in the hell do you manage to run a multi-million dollar company? You've been here for a few hours and are already attempting to destroy all the fucking merchandise I own. You're paying for whatever the fuck it is you just broke and won't tell me about."

"It doesn't look important. I mean, it was something about peach fuzz, muttonhead, so chill out."

Dean sighed, "Peaches? Is that who you mean?"

"Fuck if I know, some weird lady on the front and something about a slippery dick?"

Dean rubbed his hand over his face and really wished that he was anywhere but here at this moment.

"Don't you have a company to run?"

"Don't you have merchandise to stack?"

"Well I would if you wouldn't break all of it."

"I broke two things, Dean, two, and honestly only one really counts, not like anybody listens to some stupid band that's named after peach fuzz with some Lady GaGa wannabe on the cover."

"Some people do, actually, Gabe, it's why she has albums out. Some people find her lyrics amusing, I'll have you know."

"Oh, really, Deano and who the hell would listen to that shit?"

Dean looked up into his eyes and sighed, "Your brother."

Gabriel seemed kind of shocked by the admission, and hell Dean was too, not because it was so shocking that Cas would find Peaches amusing...well actually that was pretty shocking, but mostly it was Dean's fault, he had pretty much played one album on repeat for an entire summer, it was either learn to love them or stab himself in the ears. Dean briefly wondered if Cas had actually become a fan, if he still listened to them, and if when he did he thought of that summer in the Impala or of Dean. What was shocking, though, really shocking was that Dean had mentioned Cas at all. He may have spared a few moments to talk about Cas with Sammy, but not once since they all went their separate ways ten years ago had Dean brought up Cas to him. Gabriel had tried once and Dean was pretty sure the look he gave him had scared him off for all possible future instances. Dean calculated it was this reason, more so than the first that made Gabriel do a double take after the words had left his mouth.

Eventually he coughed and said, "Yeah, well there is no accounting for taste, especially his. Look what a pathetic excuse for a guy that he worshiped all through high school."

And it was an old jab. That Dean was Cas' hero more than his friend. That he had some kind of hero worship going on with Dean and that he didn't deserve it. They all thought it was funny, but Dean knew that it wasn't true. Cas hadn't worshiped him, hell Cas is the one who had left him. Told him they weren't family, hell that they weren't friends after that stupid fight in the parking lot. All because Dean wasn't going to follow 'the plan' that Castiel had set out for their lives. All because he was going after his own dreams and Cas hadn't approved. Hadn't trusted him. Jackass.

Dean snapped out of it and gave Gabriel a one-armed punch, in an attempt to bring things back into the realm of not too incredibly awkward.

"Well, look who dated me. Looks like you're the one with the worst taste, Gabe-babe."

Gabe got that look that said he was about to go on a murderous rampage and you better not fuck with him and said, "Do. not. call. me. that. ever."

Dean laughed, genuinely laughed, because whatever else he was, Gabe was his friend and he had missed spending time with him. Missed it a whole hell of a lot, actually.

"Whatever, jerk, just go and clean up whatever shit you left in the aisle where you fucked up my Peaches stuff. And remember, you break it you buy it."

Gabriel made a small exasperated noise and mumbled something about Dean being dick before shuffling off to the aisle he had come from. Dean sighed and went back to the book a smile still lingering on his lips.

After he had finally finished cataloging everything and had thankfully not heard another sound come out of wherever the hell it was Gabe had gone to, which as relived as he was that nothing else had mysteriously broken it could actually could be a really bad sign. A quiet Gabriel was a plotting Gabriel, after all. He should probably go check and make sure he wasn't shredding the few books he had on that bookshelf in the lunch area in the back of the store He was about to move when the bell over the door signaled someone's arrival. He turned around ready to put on his customer-greeting face, which really was mostly just a charming smile and a suggestive raising of the eyebrow, women (and most men, actually) loved it, but he spotted Sammy instead of a customer and a more genuine smile graced his lips.

"Hey, Sammy what are you doing here today?"

Sam smiled and opened his mouth to answer, but before he could Gabriel's voice howled out from the back, "Sasquatch, how are things hanging?"

Dean laughed and Sam gave him a go to hell look before deciding that ignoring Gabriel would work best at the moment and turned back to Dean his smile firmly back in place. "So Dean, guess what happened yesterday?"

Dean smiled and clasped a hand over his heart dramatically, "You finally hit puberty? Congrats, man, we couldn't be prouder of you."

Sam just looked at him and said, "So there are actually people who don't think you're gay? Have they met you?"

Dean punched him in the arm and he heard Gabriel laugh, he was beside them now. There was something about the Novak family that made it super easy for them to sneak up on you without you ever fucking realizing it. Dean had never been quite sure if he should be really impressed with these ninja like skills or just freaked the fuck out. Most of the time he chose a happy medium.

"Awww your puppy has such an adorable sense of humor. Can I keep him for my very own? I've always wanted an abnormally large attack dog."

Sam rolled his eyes, clearly not amused by Gabriel's joke, "Shut up, Gabriel."

Gariel just smirked, "Nah."

Sam turned his attention back to Dean then, clearly once again thinking ignoring Gabe would work best, "Anyway, Dean, since you won't guess and I'm not even going to bother thinking that Gabriel has turned into an adult in the last five seconds, I'll just tell you, Cas' new book came out yesterday!"

As he said it he thrust said book into Dean's hands grinning like an idiot. And it was times like these that Dean wondered how the hell people thought that Sam was the smart one. Okay, sure he graduated from the top of his class at Stanford and Dean barely managed to graduate high school, but there was a thing called common sense that sometimes just alluded the hell out of his brother. He acted like just because Cas was going to be back in Lawrence in a few days they could pick up where they left off. Dean didn't think they could. Dean didn't even know if he wanted to try. And he sure as hell didn't want this book shoved in his face.

He glared at Sam trying to get the message across without having to utter a word. The smile fell from his face and he sighed, "Come on, Dean. I know you have a copy, scratch that, copies, of his other book."

Dean was about to protest when Sam held up a hand to shut him up, "There's no use in trying to deny it, Dean. I've seen the two copies in your downstairs library, the copy in your bedroom, and the three copies that you have here at the store."

He thought he heard Gabriel say obsessive, but it was too quiet to be sure.

He sighed, "What's your point, Sammy?"

"My point is that you care, Dean. Why else would you have six copies of his damn book if you didn't care."

"I didn't know how the book was going to do, okay? So I bought a few copies to help, just in case. He's a great writer, sure, but sometimes he is awkward, I...I didn't want him to be disappointed, besides it was just another stupid promise that for some reason I found that I couldn't break."

Gabriel and Sam looked at each other confused and then at him, "Huh?" "What do you mean?" They said in unison.

He sighed, sitting at his stool behind the counter.

"It was this thing we did when we were kids. Probably, damn, ten, I think. Cas said he was going to write a book one day and no matter where he was or what he was doing he would come into a random store in Lawrence and write the number 8 on the last page of one of em, and I said I would do the same with my album and if we ever found the book or CD with the number 8's in it then we would know we were supposed to be friends forever because 8 represents infinity or some shit like that, I don't remember exactly, Cas was always the nerd. Anyway we said that we would buy every copy in every small book store, or record store until we found the ones with the 8's on them. I know it's stupid and ridiculous and yeah, but every time I see one of those damn books in a random store with Cassie I just grab it and check out. I haven't found the one with the 8 yet, I doubt he even did it, but I can't not buy them, you know, just in case."

And when he looked up the look on Sam and Gabriel's faces was just too damn much. It was reverence and pride mixed with some kind of pity and exasperation.

"I know it's stupid so you can stop looking at me like my favorite teddy bear just got it's head ripped off by the neighborhood dog, alright."

Gabe snorted and Sam looked at him with those damn puppy dog eyes that he hated because he could never say no to them.

"You never told me that."

"Never told anyone. Besides when he left it was kind of like it didn't matter anyway, right? I mean, we weren't friends anymore and like I said he probably didn't even do it."

Gabriel cut in, "But you did."

"Yeah, I did."

Sam seemed to have something click in his brain and then he said, "Wait, Infinity, that song on your first album, that was about Cas, wasn't it?"

Dean laughed, it had been a his first ever number one hit, he was surprised nobody had figured it out sooner, then again, he never talked about Cas much after that day.

"Yeah, I guess it was."

Sam seemed thrilled, "Dude, that was a number one hit. One of your most famous songs, ever. Hell, there wasn't a person in this whole country who didn't know that song!"

"I don't get your point."

"Cas had to know, right? I mean, he had to know it was about him."

"Don't get your panties in a bunch, geekboy, I doubt Cas ever even heard that song. You know he hates contemporary music."

Gabriel sighed, "He likes Peach Fuzz for fucks sake."

"Peaches."

"Whatever, and I don't know if he heard the song or not, but I know he has your CD, Dean. Both of them."

Dean went silent for a moment because he had never known that. Out of some unspoken agreement on both sides Gabe didn't talk to Cas about Dean and he didn't talk to Dean about Cas. It was just the way things had to be if he wanted to keep his brother and his friend. This was the first peace of information that he had actually willingly divulged, well ever. He had told Dean about Cas moving back because Cas knew Dean lived in Lawrence and he wanted to make sure he was okay with that. Cas had said it was okay if he told them about his kids, but since Dean hadn't said the same he hadn't told Cas about Cassie. He would find out soon enough, anyway.

Dean took a deep breath, "He does?"

Gabe smiled at him, like he was happy to be able to divulge this bit of information. "Yeah. I don't know if he has ever listened to them or not, like I said, but he has them." Which was a tiny lie. He knew Cas listened to Dean's music. Knew he put on the slower songs to put the kids to sleep at night. Knew he cried the first time he heard Infinity and pretty much every time since. Knew he still had that leather jacket that Dean had worn all through high school in his closet and that sometimes he would take it out and slip it on and pretend life was like it had been ten years ago. Knew the same picture that adorned Dean's mantle was in Cas' bedroom. Knew all these things and so much more, but couldn't say them, it wasn't his place. It killed him, but it wasn't his place.

The mood had grown solemn and Sam decided he wasn't having any of that, he seemed exasperated as he spoke, "Anyway, Dean. I grabbed Cas' book at lunch yesterday, and read it as fast as I could and I think you'd really like it."

Dean huffed. He loved Cas' writing, he really did, but his last book had been...well not exactly Dean's favorite flavor of coffee, so to speak. It was interesting and compelling, but it fit more into Sammy's geek world than it did Dean's.

"I don't know, Sammy. I'll go pick up a copy, sure, but his last book..." he trailed off not so sure how to describe it.

"Yeah?"

"Well, it was good, sure, but it was all about modern Christianity vs. old school Christianity and how much of the Bible is verifiable truth and how much can we trust, and..well, you know how I feel about religion."

Sam rolls his eyes, "Says the guy who goes to church every Sunday."

Dean sighed, "That's different."

"How is that different?"

"It just is, Sammy."

"How?"

"I just want Cassie to grow up believing that there is something, some force of good out there, looking out for her, alright? Maybe I don't so much believe it, but damn I'd like to and I'd like for Cas too. It'd be nice if she could believe how Cas, and you and even Gabe believe. It'd be nice for her to see the good in the world, don't you think?"

"Of course I do, Dean, but it wouldn't kill you to find a little faith too."

"Oh I have faith. I believe in family and trust and what I can see right in front of my face."

"And that's enough for you?"

"Yeah, Sammy, that's enough for me."

Sam sighed and said, "Anyway, my point is you should read this."

And he thrust the book back into Dean's hands. It was back-side up so all he could see was a description. Figured Cas wouldn't go for the whole cheesy picture of the author lounging in a chair with a dog crap that most people did. It isn't like Cas had ever done what most people did.

"What? This instant?"

Sam gave Gabriel a look, Gabriel merely wandered back over to the albums, clearly finding them more interesting than this particular conversation.

"No, well, just read the dedication, okay?"

And the giddy excitement coming out of Sam was getting a little pathetic. If he didn't have kids he would be tempted to ask him if he was sure he didn't have lady parts down there.

Dean rolled his eyes, but did as he was told, flipping the book over and finding the picture of a dirt road, an open field and a sky full of stars peaking out at him. Parked on the dirt road was something Dean would have recognized anywhere. A black, 1967 Chevy Impala. The title read, 'His Faith Led Me Home' by: Castiel Novak. Dean gaped up at Sam who was smirking down at him with what could only be described as a shit-eating grin on his face. Sometime during the silence Gabe had wandered back over and was looking at the book with a slightly impressed face, like he couldn't believe that his brother had the nerve to go through with it.

Dean flipped open to the dedications page and closed his eyes for a moment to pace himself before he looked down and read:_ To my old friend, Dean, who taught me everything I know about life (and far more than this limited space could allow expansion upon), but most importantly that family doesn't end with blood. Wherever you may be, know that I still believe that, and that this book, as well as my career, is in memory of and dedication to you._

Dean felt the tears sting his eyes and fall before he could blink them away and when he looked up at Sam and Gabriel he could smiles of sympathy and love adorning their faces. He wanted to say something, to say anything, but his throat suddenly felt like it would betray the hell out of him if he even tried. Sam seemed to get this and took the book briefly before turning it to the last pace and pointing to the paragraph that was highlighted, it was the last one in the book. Dean sighed and read,

_"Jimmy smiled as he glanced over at Ross, who merely smirked in return grabbed his hand and pulled him down into the front seat of the Impala. His smile broadened when he heard the familiar sound of a guitar riff and he laughed as he hadn't in years, because this is where he belonged. This is where he had always belonged, and it was his own stupidity that had taken him away from this place all those years ago. He had wandered the land for many years pondering the path his life had taken upon his departure from Ross. The way in which nothing had ever felt more like home than this car and this man sitting next to him did. He had always known that no matter where he went a part of him would always spend summer days relaxing on the shore of a lake that they had been kicked out of more times than he could count and endless nights spent looking up at the stars and wondering how far into existence life could be found. A part of him had been left behind that summer that he left Ross and until they met again that part of him would be gone and he would never be whole. Jimmy honestly had not expected this when he had returned from his press conference to find Ross Ackles sitting on the curb, a cigarette in one hand, a guitar in the other. But he was the one who was foolish enough to let Ross get away in the first place, he was the one foolish enough to turn his back on the one person he knew he would always love. He assumed this was God's way of telling him that sometimes life did not have to have a strict set of plans. That destiny wasn't set in stone, that it was free will that people should strive for, the ability to make their own destiny. To have agency over their own fate. That sometimes you could just get in the car, drive and figure out where the road would take you. He knew this because no matter what had happened Ross was here now and he would go anywhere with him. He trusted him. He knew his faith would led them home."_

Tears came afresh and threatened to spill from his eyes once more. Dean hated anyone to see him cry, so he mumbled some excuse to Gabe and Sam, one he knew they wouldn't believe, but one that told them he needed to be alone and walked out into the brisk air of Lawrence. There was a park not too far from here that he and Cas used to spend a ridiculous amount of time in. He would go there to clear his head and think. He was still pissed at his friend, possibly even more so now. Why the hell hadn't he told Dean that himself, why did he write it down for the whole world to see? He didn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that Jimmy and Ross were them. At least he knew now that Cas did care. That regardless of what words had come out of his mouth ten years ago they were family. He did still love Dean, and that was a starting point. Maybe they couldn't ever go back to being what they once were, but they could try, they would try, because Dean was damned if he was letting Cas get away this time. Not without a fight.

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><p>Eeeeekkkk it's getting closer to when Cas comes back :) Are you guys, excited? I hope you are still around. I'd love to know what you think about this chapter. You know what that means. REVIEW.<p> 


	6. No Place Like Home

**A/N:**_ I cannot even express how happy your reviews have made me, so just know that I love you all like Dean loves the Impala and we shall leave it at that For those of you who asked questions that I have not responded to, it was because I couldn't or because I plan to answer them in the ensuing chapters. Also, the long awaited moment has arrived. Castiel is back in Lawrence! This chapter is from his point of view. Read. Enjoy. Show me some love._

**Disclaimer: **_Ehhh still not mine._

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><p><strong>No Place Like Home<strong>

Castiel stepped out of the car and into the bright sunlight of Lawrence, Kansas. It was not the first time he had returned since his departure, but it was the most permanent and it was the first since Dean Winchester had moved back to town. He took a deep, steadying breath to remind himself that he was not the eighteen year old kid that had left this place so very many years ago. Being here, though, he really felt like it. It was like stepping into a time capsule because things in Lawrence rarely ever changed. He felt it in the air, in the way the old movie theater was in the exact place he had left it, with about as many kids waiting out front. In the way that the park still had that one mammoth red slide and in the way that the street by the graveyard still had that pothole. It may have been ten years since he had called this place home, but it might as well have been yesterday for the way his heart was reacting to being back, which was slightly ridiculous. He missed Lawrence a lot since he left, he had even made return trips every now and then. He had come to visit his parents in this very house before they had left for a seemingly never ending trek across the world. Last he heard they were calling Greece home these days. He had come back to go into his favorite local bookstore and write an eight on the back cover just as he had promised, and to grab a few CD's from the old record stores that were still scattered about, with no luck, not that he had exactly been expecting any. He had no real way of knowing if Dean had even followed through on their childhood promise. He doubted it, but he purchased them regardless, the nagging of 'just in case' cluttering his mind.

He was startled out of his reminiscing when he heard a small but persistent voice say, "Daddy, can we get out of the car now? Please!"

He chuckled and turned around to face his kids. Two of the biggest reminders in the world that he was definitely not the eighteen year old kid who had ventured out from this small town, that he was someone else entirely. Someone who had experienced a multitude, hell a lifetime, of things since those days of adolescence that he so longed for. And yet, standing here now and looking at the two small four year old faces that he loved so much he couldn't bring himself to regret it. Well, that's not entirely true, he regretted Dean and no matter how many years of happiness and miracles, like the two he was helping out of the backseat at the moment, he had felt since the day he had hurt him, he knew he always would. Because it was Dean. His best friend, his first kiss, first crush, his forever love. He laughed to himself thinking about how much shit Gabriel would give him for thinking about Dean in that way, but it was true. No, he wasn't in love with Dean Winchester, the love they shared, the friendship they shared while it had lasted, defied labels and situations and mere words. It was one of the reasons Castiel had chosen writing in the first place, to find words to express what they shared, and later when he discovered that as much as he loved the written word there were some things that really could not be expressed by mere mortal hands, he found out he actually just loved to write. To attempt to find words to express the things he felt. It was...enthralling.

He was torn from his thoughts yet again when he heard Gabriel whistle and clap his hands together while saying, "Well if it isn't the pretty boy angel that calls itself my little brother and his league of cherubs."

"Uncle Gabe!" they yelled in unison, West adding, "We're not cupid!" loudly as he crashed into Gabriel's legs and Cas couldn't help the small smile that escaped his lips. Couldn't help but soak up the pride that radiated off of him when he realized that these two amazing kids, they were all his. West was the spitting image of him, everyone said so. Sharp blue eyes that held the capacity to transfix people with a single stare, dark brown hair that stuck out at odd angles no matter how much it was attempted to be tamed, and skin that ran on the paler side, though not unable to tan. His twin sister, Deanna, or Dee as she was more commonly called, was by definition the same, the only discernible difference was that she stood a bit shorter than her brother, was a bit more slender and had a shock of blonde hair instead of the dark brown that adjoined her brother and fathers heads. She had gotten it from her mother.

Castiel can still remember stumbling across Meg Masters in his first religion class in college. She was funny, smart, and beautiful. She loved her family and had a little sister that completely idolized her, and even if he did enjoy the male gender a bit more, he had fallen so much in love with her that it didn't much matter to him. Love was about falling for a person not a gender anyway. He had proposed to her almost immediately, but they had waited until they were juniors and twenty one to actually tie the knot, and still another three years until they were both out of college with a nice house and steady jobs to have children, but that was when things had gone wrong, Meg had died due to complications during childbirth and he had been left a single father of twins. It had been hard, and would have been impossible without Gabriel and Chuck. They made his life make sense again, they showed him all the great things he had yet to do, namely raise these two beautiful children that his and Meg's love had created. It was really all the motivation he needed.

He was torn out of his thoughts yet again by Gabriel clapping a hand to his back loudly, "Well, dude, are we gonna stand in the front yard all day, because I got to be honest there are so many more exciting things I could be doing right now than watching your pansy ass get all teary eyed over our old house...or well shit, your new house."

He sighed, reveling in the fact that no matter what else had changed about this town, Gabriel Novak had remained the same.

"Let's go in then, shall we?"

The kids needed no further motivation and bolted to the front door, which easily swung open as they threw themselves inside. He had seen Maddison's car when he had driven up so he had known the door would be unlocked upon their arrival.

"I still cannot believe that you sent people ahead of time to put everything up. How the fuck do you know that they put it where you want it to go?"

"I drew them a diagram and carefully labeled everything."

"Dude, seriously, half the fun of moving is forcing your friends to help you move all your shit into your new place, cracking open a beer, sitting down, and relaxing afterward. You just robbed yourself of all of that."

"Considering I have no propensity to alcohol and you are the only friend I have in this town, it seems you should thank me for not inflicting that upon you."

Gabriel laughed and threw an arm around Cas as he walked up the front porch steps, "Excuse me your highness, my apologies, should I just bow down at your feet next time or is that not a grand enough gesture."

Despite himself, Castiel laughed, "No, bowing would suffice."

He stopped for a moment in the doorway of the house. For so long it had been his parents house and now it was about to be his. His children would remember having their first day of high school in this house. Someday a boy or a girl, or both would pick up his kids and take them out to the movies, to lunch, to the lake. They would spend lazy days at the movie theater and nights where it rained in that little alcove just off the lake where the water couldn't get you. They would make as many memories here as he did and for some reason that gave him peace, happiness, because maybe he could continue making amazing memories in this house, in this town. Maybe people were wrong when they said you couldn't go home. Maybe home is where he was meant to be all along.

He smiled upon stepping into the foyer of his new house. It didn't feel as odd as he had imagined it would being here, living here, calling this place his home once again as he had in childhood. In fact it felt more right than any place he had ever lived in since his departure of this place. This house, this city, it was where he truly belonged he could feel it with every step, with every breath, the certainty of it. Lawrence, Kansas was home. He heard the sound of little feet from somewhere in front of him and looked to see West and Dee running in from the backyard excitement etched so clearly on their tiny faces.

"Daddy! Guess what? There is a pool and a tree house in the backyard! I've always wanted a tree house!" West exclaimed leaping into his arms when he leaned down to eye level to converse with them.

"Me too, Daddy, isn't it awesome? A tree house, it's the most awesomest thing you can have." Dee smiled.

"Oh, is it? I would have no idea, seeing as how I was never allowed in it during childhood, forever banned by your freak of a father." Gabriel smiled from his left.

Dee and West laughed. Cas glared, "Don't tell my children I'm a freak, Gabriel."

West smiled, "It's okay, Daddy, we already knew."

Which caused everyone to laugh. Cas scooped up West as Dee grabbed his hand and drug him outside to show him this incredible tree house.

"This is where you grew up, right Daddy? Does that mean that this is the tree house from all your stories? The ones with Dean?" she exclaimed as they made the way across the yard and toward possibly one of the most defining fixtures of his entire existence in Lawrence. It was in that tree house that he had his first kiss, not a story he frequented with the children for obvious reasons, though he assumed one day they might ask and he would have no qualms about answering. The fact that love held no gender was something he was adamant about teaching his children, something that was just as important to him as them deciding their own religion and choosing their own destiny, following their own path in life no matter where it took them. He had never hidden from them the fact that he formed relationships with both males and females, nor had Gabriel, his children most likely were not even yet aware that there were people who would consider that strange. They had been privately educated in a school that was devoid of any particular religion or doctrine, one that was as diverse as the world was extensive, but soon they would be attending school in Lawrence, and Castiel had no doubt that they would come to know ignorance, he just prayed that as easily as they learned that they could learn of acceptance.

"Yes, sweetie, it is that tree house." he smiled as he saw Dee's expression change from pure curiosity to excitement almost before he could even blink.

"That's so awesome! Did Granny and Pops change it or is it the same?" West added.

"As far as I am aware nothing has been changed. Gabriel?"

"Please, they would never change this place. They might have changed a lot of stuff after we left, but this tree house, it was practically sacred, especially after Dean..."

Castiel noticed the shift in Gabriel's body language, even though the kids who had taken to walking a little bit ahead of them when he put West down, seemed completely oblivious to it. He knew that they didn't really discuss Dean all that much. They talked about the past, he told the kids stories and Gabriel often interjected in, especially when he hit upon stories of when they were together, which was often as it was nice to be able to tease Gabriel about, even if at the time he had been worried that Gabriel was stealing his best friend from him. But after he left things changed. His brother had kept in touch with Dean and Sam, talked to them, hung out with them, been there with them through it all. He even recalled Gabriel being unable to visit him but for two days one summer between classes because he was on tour with Dean, but they didn't talk about it. Didn't talk about him. It was an unspoken kind of agreement that they rarely broke. It was so ingrained now that he could only remember a handful of times that it had been broken. When Dean, at the height of his career, at the height of his success, had suddenly decided to move back to Lawrence and end his tour the world had been so abuzz that even Castiel, who was still as clueless to pop culture as ever, had heard about it he had dared to ask Gabriel what had happened. Fearing that something might have happened to him, or to Sam, because it would take a lot for Dean to give up this dream that he had worked so hard for. Gabriel had just looked at him sadly and promised Sam and Dean were fine, nothing had happened to their Dad and Dean just needed a break, that he couldn't tell him any more than that, that he didn't have a right. He had asked him a few more times in the past couple years, had heard Dean was playing local shows on rare occasions, still did benefit concerts and helped raise money, small shows of no more than a few hundred people in the area surrounding him, which was a pretty big deal and usually ended up bigger than most people planned, because when Dean had walked away he had done so as one of the most successful rock musicians ever. Castiel would know, he had watched him be inducted into the Hall of Fame, a feat completely unheard of when it had occurred when Dean was only twenty four years old.

Castiel took one look at the sheepish expression Gabriel was wearing and a small smile played on his lips, he may miss Dean but he didn't mind talking about him, that was always Gabriel's issue.

"After Dean moved back to Lawrence." he finished and put a hand on his brothers shoulder as they continued walking toward the tree house. He sighed before continuing, "I have no problem talking about him, Gabriel. Whether his name is uttered or not, he is still there, you know? Not saying his name doesn't make him go away."

Gabriel rubbed a hand over his face and it was such a Dean-like gesture that he had to blink for a moment and pretend this odd feeling of nostalgia didn't pass over him. Did Dean still do that? If so, what did it look like when he did? Castiel assumed that his friend had changed some since he had last seen him almost ten years ago. He had seen a picture or two of Dean since then, a tabloid with his face marking the cover in sophomore year, a flash of him on TV when he had left his career behind for "personal reasons" but he always looked away before any permanent image could surface and Dean didn't smear his own face and image over the covers of his CD's. It just wasn't him, as cocky and self assured as Dean was, he was still just that shy kid from Lawrence, Kansas who hated public speaking and puked in eighth grade when they had to do declamations in English class. It struck Cas for a moment that Dean may be completely different now. His reasons for displaying intricate art designs that spoke to the reasons behind the music, rather than his own image, may be for reasons he could not even begin to comprehend, but something inside of him doubted it, more out of hope than anything else.

"I know, Cas, it's just, there is so much I want to tell you about Dean, about the man I know today, that I think you need to know. Things I think he would want you to know, I just don't know if you are ready to hear them. If you want to hear them and I fucking hate being in the middle of this shit."

"I know, Gabriel. And I'm sorry that you are in the middle of this, that we forced you to be. And I'm sorry for the situation that has put you into for these past ten years. It hasn't been fair."

"Hell no it hasn't...but you know what, Cas? I don't regret my decision." while he was speaking some weird kind of glint appeared in his eye and he continued with, "And after today you'll understand why."

Before he could even ask him West and Dee made a loud shrieking noise that he assumed signaled their arrival at the tree house. He smiled, it was bittersweet to look up at this magnificent tree house and remember everything that had occurred here. He really hoped that being back in Lawrence meant patching up his friendship with Dean. He felt his absence like an abyss, no matter how happy his life was, how perfect his children were, how genuinely happy they made him, there was this Dean Winchester shaped hole that nothing and nobody else could ever fill and he felt like his life just wouldn't be complete anymore without it.

"Daddy, look it says Cas+Dean 4Eva on here!" Dee shrieked!

And look it also says, "Sammy+Gabby enter at your own risk!" West supplied.

Cas laughed at Gabriel's eye roll, "Yeah, your dad and Dean use to think they were big shit and run up into the tree house leaving me to watch Sammy, who was like a fucking baby at the time. It was really stupid, eventually they grew up and let us in too, though."

Castiel just sighed instead or reprimanding Gabriel on his language, it would be pointless anyway, "Yes, well, Sam was mostly allowed to come in, it was Gabriel we worried about. You see, for a long time Gabriel was quite mean to Dean to I."

Dee leveled her stare at Gabriel with her tiny arms crossed in an accusing manner, "Why?"

Castiel laughed and Gabriel shot him an evil look before Cas said, "He was just teasing, it was his weird way of showing affection. Remember when Jeffrey pulled your hair last year because he liked you? I think it was the same thing with Dean and Gabriel."

"Or I was mad at the little shit because he put shaving cream in my hand, filled my shampoo bottle with Nair, and super-glued my hand to baseball bat while pretending to teach me the art of the game."

Castiel smiled, "That is quite plausible as well."

Dee and West shrieked with laughter before West exclaimed, "Dean sounds awesome! Can we meet him soon?"

Gabriel rolled his eyes, "Glad you revel in my pain, kid."

"Daddy can we please meet Dean soon! Please, please! We've wanted to since we were babies."

"You don't even remember when you were babies."

Dee rolled her eyes in a manner that was way too much like Gabriel for Castiel to be entirely pleased and said, "Whatever, Daddy, can we please?"

"Yeah, Daddy, can we please?" Gabriel mocked and he slapped him upside the head.

"Maybe, I don't know, Daddy has to talk to him first. He might not be that happy to see me."

West turned his big blue eyes at his father, "But why?"

Cas sighed, but Gabriel spoke up before he could elaborate, "Well, kiddo, your daddy and Dean had a pretty major fight and Daddy hurt Dean's feelings pretty bad, but don't worry I am going to make sure that him and Dean talk it out and I promise that Dean would be more than happy to meet you sooner rather than later."

The kids smiled and Cas gave Gabriel an apprehensive look.

"Can we play in the tree house now? We won't mess up anything, promise."

"Of course, honey."

Gabriel pipped in, "I'm actually going to steal your dad for a bit darling, but don't worry I promise to bring him back in one piece. Kisses now and candy later."

"Gabriel..."

"Thank you, Uncle Gabriel! We love you!" they shouted in unison and before Castiel could turn away Dee ran up to him and threw her arms around his legs in a hug while whispering, "Just tell him how much you miss him and love him, then he has to not be mad anymore, Daddy. Just say I love you a bunch of times!"

He smiled and whispered thank you and watched his little girl climb up the small stairs of the tree house with West. He was about to call Maddison out when he noticed that she was standing not too far behind them watching the kids just as intently as he was. She was a great nanny and the kids really loved her, it was lucky she was willing to move with him, her family back home must really miss her, but she had insisted that a new start was just what she needed and Castiel was too grateful to push much beyond that.

He saw Gabriel run off and whisper something to her, to which she just smiled and shooed him away, apparently giving him permission to whisk Cas away to wherever the hell he planned on taking him.

"Are you going to tell me where we are going Gabriel?"

"The park!"

"And why are we going to the park?"

"Because there is someone there I want you to see."

Castiel stopped cold, "I can't talk to Dean yet, Gabriel, I'm not ready."

His brother merely rolled his eyes, "I can see how ten years isn't enough time to get ready. But relax, Speedy Gonzalez, you aren't going to talk to anyone today except for me, I just want you to see something, alright."

"I don't have to talk to Dean?"

"Not a single word is required of you, hotshot writer, you."

"Shut up, Gabriel."

"I really wish people would stop telling me that."

"Perhaps if you stopped being such a jackass then people would feel the need less."

Gabriel shoved him as they walked out of the house and toward his classic mustang parked on the street and if his heart wrenched a little remember a certain black 1967 Chevy Impala that used to be a kind of home for him then nobody had to know.

When they arrived at the park Castiel had to smile at the familiarity of all of it. Just like most everything in Lawrence this place hadn't changed a bit and for a moment he allowed himself to be swept away with it, but only a moment as Gabriel ran up behind him and motioned for him to be followed. They stopped after not walking too far, they were hidden behind a few really big bushes and trees, but from this vantage point he could easily see two park benches and a playground that had always been there. A lifetime ago those benches had been his and Dean's favorite to sit at. As kids they would pretend they were cars or trains, as they got older the Enterprise, and yet older it was just where they would go to talk when life got to be too much to handle.

"What are we doing here, Gabriel? And why are we hiding behind these bushes, I feel like a flasher."

"Well at least you aren't wearing that damn trench coat, then people would definitely call the fuzz on us."

"I haven't had that trench coat in years, ever since...and you still haven't answered my question."

Gabriel sighed and looked at him, something akin to sadness in his eyes, "Look, Cas, the next while is going to be ridiculously close to what certain people would refer to as a chick-flick moment so please don't make it some stupid ass mystery too, we are here because I want to show you Dean, why else would we be here? You don't have any other ex best friends we need to stalk do you, because that might take a long fucking time."

Castiel sighed, "No, nobody else."

"Good, because this is going to be pathetic enough as is. You wanted to talk about Dean, right? You used to pester me all the time about why he left his career in the middle of it, what happened, you never could understand it, right?"

Castiel merely nodded all of this was indeed correct. It had never made sense to him. Creating beautiful music was something that called out to Dean from the very depths of his soul, how he could walk away from that had always puzzled Castiel, had always been the one puzzle piece that he couldn't make fit.

Gabriel ran his hand over his face again and Castiel briefly wondered exactly how much time his brother had spent with Dean in the ensuing ten years.

"Well, bro, you are about to find out. First things first, though," he muttered glancing back at the benches, "the man of your dreams just showed up."

Castiel took a deep breath before turning in the direction Gabriel was looking, and from his vantage point it was unmistakably Dean Winchester. Though, it wasn't the Dean he remembered. If eighteen year old Dean was breathtakingly handsome (and he was) then twenty-eight year old Dean was downright beautiful perfection. He had gained probably an inch or two in height since Castiel had last seen him and quite a bit of muscle. Instead of being the tall and somewhat lean teenager he remembered Dean was full and muscled, tanned by the summer sun and though he couldn't see them from here he knew a trail of freckles must be sitting atop his shoulders and nose, his green eyes sparkling in the late afternoon sun. His hair was shorter and styled differently than when Castiel had last seen him, of course he was sporting a blue mohawk when Castiel had last seen him so that was no surprise. He wore dark faded blue jeans, soft brown combat boots, and a faded-grey Led Zeppelin shirt that managed to be both loose and fitted at the same time. If it wasn't blasphemous to even think he might admit that Dean looked like a kind of demi-god, the kind of perfection poets wrote sonnets about, the kind of beautiful wars were fought over. He sighed and turned to Gabriel who just smirked at him, an 'Oh _believe me little brother, I fucking know' _look on his face before pointing back to the scene in front of them.

Dean wasn't sitting down on the bench, like they used to, but merely walking back and forth, kicking the grass with his boots, a sort of distracted look appearing on his face.

"What are we waiting for Gabriel? And how does Dean being in the park explain why he left music?" he sighed, because if being away from Dean for ten years was bad, then being this close and not being able to run up and bury his face in his neck apologizing and begging forgiveness was worse.

"There is just something I want you to see, impatient, just fucking watch."

Castiel wanted to tell him no, to turn back and run to the safety of his house. He had hurt this man standing in front of him all those years ago and it killed him to think that if he hadn't been so damn stupid he wouldn't have to be standing here in the bushes hiding, he could simply walk up and say hello.

He turned his attention back to Dean reluctantly who seemed to be smiling at something off in the distance and his heart felt a little less heavy at seeing that smile. He remembered all of Dean's smiles and that was the one he wore when everything was right in his world. The one he wore when everything was beautiful and promising and he felt like he could conquer the world. Castiel hadn't seen it as often as he would have liked, but he had seen it enough to know what it looked like. For a minute he allowed himself to get lost in it. In the beauty of it, in the hope it filled him with. Dean was happy, truly and genuinely happy so maybe he would forgive him, maybe after ten years he didn't care about some stupid fight, maybe they could go back to being Dean and Cas again. Maybe their friendship wasn't really over.

He continued to watch for a while, it could have been minutes, hours, days, years, he honestly didn't know, but after what seemed like no time at all he was startled from his trance like watch on Dean when he shifted and bent down toward the ground, Castiel was confused at first but then he saw a tiny bundle of hair and speed knock him to the ground and everything suddenly made sense. Dean had a daughter, there was no way that she could be anyone else, though her hair was darker than Dean's, more what Sam's shade had been, she looked just like him. She was beautiful and from what Castiel could discern about three years old, which would make perfect sense for the time-frame in which Dean retired. He didn't know why becoming a father had never crossed his mind as the catalyst of his career change. Dean was all about family, once you were family he loved you more fiercely and protectively than anything else in the world. Of course he would give up his life to be with his daughter, a career on the road, it wouldn't have suited a little girl, Dean would have known that, and Dean, sweet loyal, loving Dean would have given up anything to be with his baby. His dreams were never any match for the dreams of those he loved, those he deemed worthy. When it came to the people he loved if Dean had to choose between his dream and theirs it would never even be a competition, he would choose them every time. It was just who he was.

Castiel didn't know tears were rolling down his face until Gabriel huffed at him to 'stop being a baby and keep watching' he wanted to ask what more he could possibly see, what more he could possibly learn, he already had a plethora of questions swimming around in his head, but then he saw another man, around Dean's height, maybe a bit taller, and while nowhere near as beautiful as Dean, he was what people would consider extremely attractive, come around and scoop the small bundle on top of Dean up causing her to yelp with surprise and glee, laughter reaching a decibel humans most likely couldn't discern as she was subjected to a tickle fight, while Dean looked on adoringly, not bothering to get up from his spot on the ground.

And it occurred to Castiel, that Dean was happy. Truly happy. He had a family, people he loved, people he shared his days with, people he shared his life with and who was he to try and come in here and mess it all up? Gabriel must have sensed something because he put his arm on his shoulder.

"What's wrong, Cas?"

"He's happy." he managed to choke out.

Gabriel creased a brow, "And you didn't want him to be?"

"No, that's not what I mean. I mean, he's happy without me. He has his life, Gabriel. Who am I to try and mess that up? After all these years?"

"No offense, Cas, but you don't know that half of it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You weren't here, Cas, you didn't see him afterwards. You didn't know him then did you? You know what he did when he first went out to Hollywood? He drank and partied and got high and pretended that he wasn't hurting, he just tried to escape it all. You weren't there at three in the morning when he was puking his guts out and crying and begging me to just help him forget about you, asking me why you hated him so much, why anyone bothered anymore because he clearly wasn't worth it. And God, Cas, there was so many times when I wished I could just make him forget you existed, and that really is only the beginning. There is so much more, but I don't have the right to tell you, only Dean does. He'd probably die of embarrassment that I even told you that, but just don't stand here and say he is better off without you, Cas, because you weren't there for what a lot of without you was like, and I can sure as hell tell you, it wasn't better."

Castiel couldn't help the tears that were rolling down his cheeks now if he tried, he had only seen the Dean Winchester that the world saw when he would quickly glance away from the TV, had only seen the successful musician, the youngest ever introduction into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, one of the most talented people in the world, one of the most carefree musicians, happy, smiling, laughing, but he should have known it was all a facade. If he had paid closer attention he would have, if he had looked toward instead of away from he would have noticed the smiles were fake, the laughs forced.

"I'm sorry, Gabriel, I'm so sorry."

Gabriel sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "I know, little bro, I do, and I didn't mean to bring you down, because Dean he isn't like that anymore, hasn't been for a long time and don't think he hates you or anything, he doesn't, far from it, I just need you to know that he needs you in his life just as much as you need him. Y'all are some fucked up kind of friend soul mates and I may not be able to understand it, but I sure as hell know that you need each other."

Castiel really didn't know how much more he could take. He wanted to run up into his old room, grab the leather jacket that Dean had left at his house, curl up into a ball and cry until it didn't hurt anymore.

"Is that all you wanted me to see, Gabriel? Can we please leave now?"

"Not yet, there is one more thing."

Castiel sighed, "What more could there be? Is there a family dog named Zeppelin I need to know about?"

Gabriel laughed, "No, but that's not a bad idea, maybe I'll give it to the lil one as a late birthday present."

"Gabriel."

"Just watch a little while longer, try and hear what they are saying."

He sighed, but obeyed. He knew Gabriel would not let them leave until he had his way, after all, it was merely to his best advantage to do what his brother wanted at this time.

He heard bits and pieces of conversation, but they were too far away to hear anything too clearly. He thought he heard the name Jake and something about school and some kids making fun of the girl, but that didn't sound right, she was adorable, Castiel couldn't imagine what kid wouldn't want to play with her. After ten more minutes of inane chatter the little girl ran after a dog that was passing by and Castiel knew why Gabriel had wanted him to say the second he heard Dean shout, "CAS! SWEETIE, NO!"

His entire body froze and he felt something pretty indescribable, he imagined if anyone had been looking at him he would very much resemble one of those cartoon characters whose eyes fly open and merely stare at someone in shock. Dean had named his daughter after him? Or was he simply hallucinating? He turned to Gabriel who had a smirk on his face and sputtered.

"Gabriel, what...what is her name?"

"Cassandra. Everyone calls her Cassie or Cas, though, it's less of a mouthful."

He swallowed hard trying to remember what breathing normally is like, he had no idea that Dean would still care enough to go through with their promise. Had no idea that he would actually do it, it was a ridiculous promise made by two children on a back porch late at night.

"He named her after me?"

Gabriel smiled, "Is that really so hard to believe, little brother? You named your daughter after him, too. Which can I just point out is weird, because you had a son, you could have just named him Dean."

Castiel smiled, "It was, uh, Meg, actually, she loved the name West for a boy, so she left the girl name up to me. It, well, it just felt right."

"She certainly has the attitude to rival her namesake."

"Yes, she does."

"Still think he doesn't need you anywhere near his life?"

Castiel swallowed hard, trying to put everything together, he wanted to know it all, "What's she like? Cassie, I mean."

Gabriel smiled and Castiel took note that his eyes lit up in a way he wasn't sure he had ever seen them light up before, "She's pretty amazing, Cas, and sassy too. She's got spunk and style. She stands up for herself and doesn't take shit from anybody, and listen to this, her favorite song is 'Stairway to Heaven' how hilarious is that?"

Castiel found himself smiling too, "She sounds a lot like her father, then."

"Yeah, yeah, she is."

After a few more silent moments he inquired, "Do you think it can ever be like it was, Gabriel?"

Gabriel sighed and pulled him into a hug, "No, but I honestly think, it can be even fucking better. Let me take you somewhere, Cas, let me show you something."

Castiel laughed and hugged back, "Isn't that what you said before you brought me here?"

Gabriel pulled back and started walking toward the car, with one last glance back at Dean and his family Castiel followed.

"Yeah, but this is more like a continuance of that journey. You wanted to know what some of the last ten years were like for Dean? Well I wasn't there for every second, and some shit he has to tell you himself, but I can hit the highlight reel if you come with me?"

Castiel smiled, "I'd love to hear all about it."

Gabriel smiled back at him before saying, "Welcome to Winchesterville then, next stop Deano town."

Castiel had to laugh at the ridiculousness of that statement, but a part of him smiled too. He still wasn't sure how this thing was going to work out between Dean and hilmself, but now he knew he wasn't the only one who cared. Dean had to still care, at least a little to name his daughter after him, right? It meant he still cared, he knew it did and Castiel was going to cling to that, after all hope really is all he has at this point. Hope and whatever else Gabriel is about to tell him.

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><p><em>Guys, I finished the chapter. I finished it! *happy just finished this chapter dance* I cannot even believe it. And you are still reading, this amazes me. So I really hope it doesn't disappoint. As always I'd love to know what you think :))<em>


	7. Time Makes Fools of Us All

**A/N:** I am seriously blown away by the love that this fic is getting, which is partially why it has taken me so long to post this update. It is partially because I lost where this story was going, but I think I found it now so yay. Anyway, knowing that there are so many people out there who love this fic makes writing this both completely amazing and completely terrifying as I don't want to screw it up for you beautiful, amazing people. That being said, onward I go into the unknown night. And I sincerely hope you all enjoy it. And I truly cannot express how much your support and love of this fic means to me.

**Disclaimer:** Only Misha Collins really belongs to me, the rest I merely play with from time to time. And if you don't get the sarcasm behind that, it would probably be best if you didn't read any further because my humor (or lack thereof) is clearly lost on you.

**Time Makes Fools of Us All**

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><p>Castiel was quiet for most of the ride back to Gabriel's, minus the occasional sigh or short response. All things considered Gabriel felt vaguely like shit. He hadn't meant to snap and make Dean's "dark period", as he had not-so-lovingly dubbed it, sound like all Cas' fault because it wasn't. Sure, his brother had his part in it, but so did a lot of other circumstances and people that he didn't understand, couldn't understand because he hadn't been there, hadn't been through it. Yes, whatever the hell it was that Cas had said to Dean all those years ago had hurt him, had seeped down into the very depths of his soul, there was no denying that, but that didn't mean that the blame lied solely on him. Because most of what went down back then revolved a lot more around Dean and his issues, so his little brother had been one of them, he was relatively most of the fucking planet contributed to Dean's problems back then.<p>

So when he turned the corner a few streets down from his 'fucking awesome' house, title courtesy of the always eloquent Dean Winchester, he wasn't really expecting Cas to say anything more than he had for the rest of the ride. Of course, he could probably count the number of times that Castiel had ever done what anyone expected him to?

"Gabriel?"

He tore his eyes from the road momentarily to cast his brother a quick glance, "Yeah, Cassy?"

Cas coughed into his hand before speaking again, "Dean. He never, um, he didn't...try to hurt himself did he?"

Gabriel sighed because he could hear the pain and the barely masked guilt and blame in his little brothers voice. There were a lot of things that Dean and he needed to catch up on and while he wasn't entirely sure that this was a conversation that he should be having, Dean wasn't here and maybe it was best if he told Cas some of the stuff, that way Dean wouldn't have to relive it all. He barely survived living it once and Gabriel sure as hell wasn't about to risk him not surviving round two, not now, not ever if he had anything to say about it.

He rubbed a hand over his face before continuing, "No. Um, at least not directly."

Cas tilted his head to the side, "I don't understand."

And if the situation had been any more cheerful Gabriel might have been tempted to laugh because Dean missed that head tilt. He almost laughed anyway at the absurdity of the fact that an expression of his brother's could automatically make his mind shoot to Dean. But he didn't. It wouldn't be appropriate and he might not really feel like delving into his subconscious to figure out why his life suddenly revolved around that muttonhead. But he did know that Dean missed that head tilt, could see it every time Cassie, for some inexplicable reason, did the same thing and for the briefest of moments a deep rooted pain would flash before his eyes before he was able to reign it in and bury it under the bravado he kept all his emotions under.

Gabriel sighed before answering, "I'm not going to lie to you, Cas, for a while it got pretty damn bad. So bad that even Sammy couldn't make him get out of bed. He just lied there for a week, strung out and slightly drunk, only getting up to go to the bathroom or grab something else to drink. I honestly thought we were going to lose him because he just couldn't make himself care anymore. He couldn't find a purpose, you know. Kept going on about not deserving to be saved or some shit. Not being worthy. It took Sammy and me two days to convince him to get the fuck up and take a shower and another three to eat something more than peanuts or crackers."

He saw Cas shake his head as he said, "And did he get rehabilitation?"

"No. Alcohol and drugs were never Dean's real problem, just a sort of crutch he held onto to try and get rid of them. You can thank God, or whatever deity it is you worship these days about that. His real problem was himself. He just, the way he grew up, you know, it was kind of fucked and he had some trouble getting over that, some trouble believing in himself again. I mean, Cas, after John do you really think he could abuse the bottle. After everything that it had cost him?"

"I suppose he couldn't. Or rather that he wouldn't. If not for himself, then for Samuel."

"Exactly he wouldn't do that to Sammy."

"So what changed, then. How did he get over his issues? Therapy?"

Gabriel laughed at that, because Dean in therapy really was a fucking funny idea. "Kind of. I mean for a while he got into boxing, but letting out his anger had never really been a problem for Dean, he could always find a fight when he wanted to, it was opening up to people, talking about his feelings that freaked him out."

A sort of fond smile played on Cas' lips as he said, "I seem to remember that."

"Pssh, whatever, you and Sammy could always make him crack and tell you how he felt. Of course, Deano never knew that to anyone who really knows how to read them, those green eyes of his play out his emotions for you like a book."

"The eyes are the windows to the soul and his have always been particularly telling."

Gabriel laughed, his brother really was a huge fucking dork.

"Leave the prose to Shakespeare and listen to me. Music was Dean's escape. One day we were sitting on his couch and he was playing some melody when all of sudden he jumped up, grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and just started to write. I think it helped him to just say all the shit he was feeling without preamble, but wrapped in the lyrics of a song so it wasn't like he had to say it out loud himself. He didn't have to be vulnerable, because for all anyone knew he was singing about some random guy who lived in Germany or something, not himself."

"Anyway, so it took us forever, but we finally convinced Dean to play some of his own stuff for the label, to see if he could write something original for the album. So we brought in like ten songs and while they thought that a majority were too dark and depressing for the general public they really loved one song so much they wanted it to be the first thing he recorded."

"They should have respected all the songs as an extension of his artistic creativity and the ultimate expression of the human condition. Life is not always happy, should music not represent such?"

Gabriel rolled his eyes, leave it to Cas to turn this into a problem of how the world should respect artistic integrity and shit like that.

"Of course it should, Cas, some of his stuff was just a little more dark than most people want to listen to is all. Dean didn't care. Writing the songs is what was important, the fact that he could escape those feelings by sharing them out loud with the world, regardless of who was listening."

Cas seemed to contemplate a moment before adding, "I accept this logic, though I have no doubt that even his darkest lyric would have brought an air of light to the world, if only by illuminating it with the truth of the existential struggle that we all face as humans to find our place in a world where everything is obstructed by darkness."

"Okay, Dr. Spock, thanks for the brilliant assessment, you think you might be slightly biased in this point, though, considering that if Dean recorded twelve hours of doing nothing but singing the names in the phonebook you would listen?"

The smallest of smiles crossed his brothers face before he responded, "Of course I am biased, but that doesn't make my observation any less correct."

He sighed, "Anyway, aren't you the least bit curious as to which brilliant song that illuminated the human condition they chose?"

"Naturally."

He smiled before whispering, "Infinity."

He could hear it when his brothers voice cracked, "I should have been there."

"Damn right, but you are here now and that matters."

He paused for a moment before adding, "It wasn't all bad, you know? We had some crazy good times too!"

Gabriel thought he saw a small smile cross Castiel's face before he said, "Care to elaborate?"

He laughed, "Fuck yeah. So, get this, there was this killer party after the first CD launch happened and Dean actually ended up on a billboard in LA throwing water balloons at cars as they passed by, which by the way, he can't remember at all. It was so damn funny and he was embarrassed as all hell the next morning when we told him, even more so when I showed him the video tape. And to top it all off he almost got arrested, but somehow managed to sweet talk the cop. But I guess that's Dean Winchester for you, right? Charming to a fault, even when he has no fucking clue which way is up. And then there was Sammy's 21st birthday, I can't even describe that one, but damn was Carmen pissed when we got home two days and no suitcases later than we were supposed to be. There were a few epic bonfires and the shaving cream and feathers prank for Sam's first dorm room, which he would have to tell you, because honestly only he can do that shit justice, oh and more recently there was the glue and glitter at Jake's 30th birthday party, now that was a classic, screw whatever he says when you meet him!"

And he saw a genuine smile cross Cas' features before he said, "That actually sounds...like a good life. Wait. Who is Jake?"

Gabriel grumbled. It wasn't that he didn't like Jake, it was just that he didn't like Jake for Dean, which was perfectly logical fuck you very much, and it had nothing to do with certain feelings he may or may not harbor for a certain blonde haired former boyfriend, none at all, okay, so people really should just leave him alone about it. "Oh him, he's Deano's knight in shiny, perfect armor."

"The man at the park?"

"The one and the same."

"He seemed nice and Dean seemed very happy."

"Dr. Jake is super nice, didn't you know everyone loves him. He's perfect."

He heard Castiel sigh next to him, "How long have they been together?"

Gabriel made an attempt at a joke. "One year, six months, and three days, but whose counting?"

"Gabriel, if you care for Dean so much why not just tell him?"

And what the fuck was Cas talking about? Just because he thought Dean could do better than Jake, even if he had to begrudgingly respect the guy for standing up to him a few days ago, didn't mean he liked him. Okay, Jake was a doctor, so was some mass serial killer he heard about a few years ago, big fucking deal.

"First off, where do you get this shit, Dr. Phil? Secondly I don't like anyone, let alone Dean freaking Winchester, and third I seem to recall you shouting something along the lines of 'I hate you, stay away from my best friend, you mouth-breathing dick monkey' when I was with Deano in high school."

Castiel merely raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, so I colored up your language a bit, the basic message is definitely the same."

"I'm sorry, Gabriel, I honestly didn't mean it. Well I did, but at the time I was just a little terrified of losing my best friend."

Gabriel snorted, "Oh you mean the guy who worships the fucking ground you walk on? The guy who took a beating for you in high school even though he was terrified as shit of getting beat up. The guy who went to prom with you senior year even though he had already gone the year before with me and wanted to blow his fucking brains out the entire time, but stayed long enough to dance with you to 'Save the Last Dance'? The one who practically has a shrine to you in his house, the one who named his daughter after you? You were scared of losing that guy?"

They had pulled up to his house at this point so he turned off the motor and stormed inside. He could hear his little brother's footsteps trailing after him, even his walk sounded angry at the moment.

"I didn't know any of that, then did I? Okay, so maybe I knew some of it, but you have to understand, Gabriel, I had never loved anybody as fiercely as I loved Dean then and I was terrified to my very core of losing him. I thought you didn't give a shit about him and were just screwing with him and damn it, Gabe, he had been through enough. Maybe, if I had been paying attention I would have noticed that the way that you look at Dean was more intimate then the way you have ever looked at anybody before. But he was my best friend, my first love, and maybe, just maybe I thought that we would grow old together. I didn't understand the love I had for him and I was confused and scared and I don't even know what else, except I thought I might as well hurt him before he hurt me.

"Cas, look I get being so in love with someone that it terrifies the shit out of you, believe me I get it, but don't you think that maybe you should be telling all this to a certain former best friend instead of your brother."

Castiel took a seat on the couch beside Gabriel and smiled weakly, "Of course, I do, I just don't know how to say it without sounding like a pathetic whining...brat."

Gabriel laughed, "Afraid that's impossible. You always sound like an annoying whiny brat."

"I said pathetic, not annoying."

"Well you are that too, if it helps."

He saw Castiel roll his eyes, but he could detect a certain degree of mirth shining in those blue orbs that hadn't been there before. Then suddenly a weird flicker of some unnamed emotion flitted across his face and he said, "Gabriel, do you believe in soulmates?"

A bit baffled by this sudden question all he could exclaim was, "Huh? In what context?"

"In any context, just the general belief that your soul calls out to another. That you are two parts made complete when you are together so much so that when you are separated it feels like a part of you is gone along with the person."

He thought that sounded kind of nice so he said, "Sure, why not?" though his mind was still trying to play catch up with his brothers latest fore into crazy land.

Cas sighed from somewhere to his left and said, "I am making you uncomfortable?"

He laughed, "No more so than usual, little bro, it's just when the hell did you get so romantic?"

"Romance has nothing to do with this."

Now he really was lost, "I'm sorry, come again."

"That was my naive assumption as well. That only a romantic kind of love, a pull, could be this strong. It was undoubtedly my greatest error of judgment to date. Of course, you always did joke that I couldn't be human because I found our species entirely too foreign and complex to actually belong to it."

"Cas, you lost me somewhere between romance and now."

"Don't you see, Gabriel, it was my mistake. I knew that Dean was beautiful, of course. The kind of beauty that rises from ones very soul and I loved him because of that and everything else that was. Loved him more desperately and erratically than I even knew possible. I knew that we made sense in a way where words were but pointless excesses and I thought soulmates. But my vision was as limited as my knowledge of love and in that I failed him."

Cas looked really excited, like some lightbulb had clicked into place that explained the mysteries of the universe, or at least the mysteries of Dean Winchester. At that moment Gabriel wasn't sure which would have been more impressive, though his bet would have been on Dean.

"Cas, look Dean, he loves you, alright. More fiercely than you even realize and with a kind of unyielding fervor I've only ever seen before with Sammy or Cassie."

"Exactly."

He merely sighed, but luckily Cas continued regardless, apparently his actual input wasn't strictly necessary for this part of the conversation.

"Gabriel, this means that I have finally figured out how to apologize, how to make Dean understand. I know he will still be angry and that our friendship may never be what it was before, but now I know where to start. I have an explanation. I can try to make him understand."

He couldn't stifle his laugh at that. "So, what you are telling me is that it only took you...ohh ten years to come up with your apology speech?"

"Please shut up, Gabriel."

"I don't think anyone has ever said fuck off quite so politely before, bro."

"You do have a habit of riling people up."

"They deserve it."

Castiel sounded skeptical, "According to you."

He smirked back, "Yeah, but I'm the boss so therefore I'm the only one whose opinion actually means shit."

"How much does Dean's opinion matter to you?"

"Are you on this again, really?"

"Gabriel, do you want to know the first thing I saw when I came into this house and turned into the living room? A picture of you, Dean and I'm guessing Cassie. I also seem to notice a lot of classic rock in your CD case over there and since you are not a fan of either Pearl Jam or The Who it leads me to conclude they belong to someone else. Someone who loves both bands. Someone like Dean."

"Maybe I've expanded my musical tastes."

"Gabriel it is not a sin to actually fall in love. To allow your heart to be captivated by another."

"Why is it you always try to sound like a hallmark card?"

"Why is it you always avoid the subject?"

"Because maybe lets say that I do feel about Dean," he made a vague gesturing motion with his hands, "that way, what does it matter he is with someone for a year now. He's happy, Cas, he's good and I may be a dick most of the time, but fuck he deserves that don't you think? To be happy."

"Of course he does, Gabriel, but he also deserves the truth and believe me running away from a truth you are terrified of and losing him completely is way worse than anything he could say to you."

"What if he says, 'get the fuck out of my life'?"

"He wouldn't say that. And for what it's worth, though I doubt it is much at the moment, you have my blessing. There is nobody I would rather see Dean with than you, Gabriel. It kind of makes sense, actually."

"Alright, alright enough about that! Did you come here to learn about the fabulous life of Dean Winchester, rock star extraordinaire or not?"

Castiel sighed and leaned back against the couch, "I suppose I did. Where would you care to start."

"How about I just hit the highlight reel and you sit back with a bag of popcorn and listen."

"That sounds agreeable, though I prefer kettle korn."

"You and Dean both, you freaks."

Then Castiel laughed and Gabriel began weaving through the personal life of Dean Winchester, what he knew from experience, what he knew from others, and everything that Sam had told him in-between. It was nearing dark when a loud knock on the door startled Gabriel out of a particularly hilarious story about Dean freaking out when Cassie wanted to go on a huge water slide at this theme park they went to. He snapped out of his memories quickly and then looked around to notice that it was growing steadily darker outside and there were no lights on. He had been so enraptured by the memories as they rolled off his tongue he had barely even registered that such a tremendous amount of time had passed and from the inquisitive look on his brothers face he hadn't either.

Gabriel hopped off the couch, turning the light on as he went and made his way to his front door. As soon as the door was opened he was hit with a face full of blonde hair, a weight in his arms and a scream of "PAPA!" as his only clue as to what was happening. If he was honest it was the nickname that made Gabriel smile just a bit brighter in that moment. He wondered if he was the only one that noticed it had lost the Gabriel more often than not as of late, he doubted he was.

"Hey, darling, what are you doing here so late?"

Cassie rolled her eyes from her position nestled on his hip and gave him a look that had there been any doubt she was Dean's daughter would have squished it.

"Duh, we're going to Daddy's show!"

"Shit, that's tonight, I forgot."

He heard Cassie gasp in his grip like this was the most unfathomable thing in the world that he could possibly do. Forget murdering puppies or going on a killing spree, he had forgotten her Daddy's big show, that simply wouldn't be tolerated. It almost made him laugh.

Jake interjected then, "I figured you might have forgotten when Dean said he hadn't heard from you today. He said you might be busy and not come tonight, but you haven't missed a local show yet and I remember last year you flew for 25 hours just to make it to one so I figured if you didn't call Dean by now I should come get you. He won't admit it, but I think it calms him down when you are there. He likes knowing that no matter how badly he fucks up a song you'll be there, even if you call him on it later."

Gabriel laughed as Cassie squirmed down, clearly out of patience with their boring adult conversation that she wasn't allowed to be a part of. He was about to tell Jake he would put on his coat when he heard another shriek from behind him and turned around just in time to see Cassie run full speed toward Cas and throw herself into his unsuspecting lap. If he had only had a camera the moment could have won him a billion fucking dollars. Not that he needed it, but whatever he could donate it to charity. The wide eyed look in his little brothers face would have made those guards in England crack a smile.

Castiel seemed about to propose a question when Cassie sat up from her hugging position, clapped her little hands and exclaimed, "It's you! You're him, you're my Daddy's bestest friend!"

The look Cas shot her at that was somewhere between awe, bemusement, and adoration and he wondered if it was because Cassie had the ability to make anyone love her immediately or if it had something to do with the fact that she was a carbon copy of her old man. He guessed a little bit of both.

He smiled down at her and said, "Yes, my name is Castiel, though most people just call me Cas."

"Hi! My name is Cassandra Samantha Winchester. Daddy says it a damn lot to say, though, so he usually calls me Cassie or Cas too! That's cool, right. We're the same."

He saw genuine affection cross Cas' features before he said, "Yes, the coolest."

Apparently deeming this an appropriate response Cassie gave him her best Winchester smirk, leapt off his lap and ran right over to where Gabriel and Jake were standing watching the scene before them, Gabriel with love in his eyes, Jake with wonder coloring his.

"Well, come on Papa, Jake and...umm"

She looked back uncertainly at Cas, willing her eyes to become as big and innocent as they could and Gabriel could tell her little innocent act was going to work on Cas right away from the way his face fell like making this little girl sad would completely destroy his world. It was a bit pathetic, though he was in no position to throw stones, whenever she looked at him like that he was pathetically easy to manipulate as well. It didn't help that she really did look so much like her father.

"Yes, Cassie?"

"Can...umm, can I call you Unca Cas?"

From this vantage point Gabriel would swear he saw something akin to tears creep into his brothers eyes as he responded, "Of course."

Cassie's face went from solemn to excited in two seconds flat and she jumped up and down and said, "Let's go see Daddy play!"

Gabriel turned to Cas, trying to tell him with his eyes that if he didn't want to come he would understand. It was a public arena after all, it might not be the ideal place for two long lost friends to reconnect, although, hell for all he knew it was the perfect place. Not like his life was full of long lost friendships before these two idiots came along.

Castiel surprised him by putting on his coat and saying, "I would like that very much."

Gabriel followed suit and turned to face Jake who was still looking at Castiel with something akin to wonder in his eyes, even though Cassie was making it somewhat hard for him to stand still as she was currently grabbing his hand and trying to pull him to the door.

Jake coughed and then said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, it's just I've heard so much about you and for a while now your face is one of the first things I see when I get up. God that sounded creepy! Shit, what I mean is there is a picture of you in our bedroom. Fuck, this isn't sounding less creepy. Anyway, I'm Jake and I've heard a lot about you. Let's just leave it at that."

Castiel smiled and Gabriel could tell it was one of his genuinely pleased smiles, not the fake affront smiles he put on display at booksignings or meet and greets.

"Don't worry. It is very nice to meet you, Jake. And for the record, I believe that is the correct term, anyway, I am not easily offended."

Gabriel laughed, "He really isn't Doc."

"LET'S GO NOW. DADDY IS PLAYING!"

And finally the three of them threw their hands up in defeat and traveled to a small country bar on the outskirts of town. And Gabriel couldn't help but think that after ten years of wondering and waiting and hoping and contemplating interventions that a bar called The Roadhouse was where they would meet again. He wondered if the destination was anti-climatic or poetic, seeing as how it was the place that Dean and Cas had been on their last night together as friends.

As he pulled out of the driveway with Cas in his passengers seat he wondered if tonight the world would start spinning on its axis again. If tonight was the night that the Winchesters and Novaks became best friends again. And against ever fiber of his being that had always told him hope was futile, he hoped beyond anything that it would be.

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><p>Hope you liked it. I had written a chapter that I loved, but it got deleted, I tried to re-create it as much as possible, but I'm not sure it ended up as good as the first draft. Regardless, I'd love to know what you think. REVIEW.<p> 


	8. My Old Friend

**A/N:** You guys are amazing and have totally renewed my love and enthusiasm for this story. I feel I should warn me that you may slightly hate me at the end of this chapter, but I promise I will make everything better, okay? Deal.

**Disclaimer**: Still not mine, thanks for asking, though. The song belongs to Tim McGraw, it also happens to be the inspiration for this story, so all thanks to him for it.

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><p><strong>My Old Friend<strong>

It was two minutes to showtime when Dean saw the familiar shape of Gabriel bursting through the door of The Roadhouse. He couldn't help the sigh of relief or the feeling of comfort that washed over him at seeing that short brown haired angel in disguise, even if he knew it was sort of pathetic. Not too long ago he had been playing in some of the biggest arenas in the world. Not too long ago he could have sung his heart out in front of a million people and not blinked an eye. Then again not too long ago his life hadn't meant quite so much to him. Not too long ago he hadn't had Cassie out there watching him with her big green eyes and innocent smile, looking at him like he was the only person in the world who could make all her dreams come true. Hell, it wouldn't surprise him if she really thought that way. Not too long ago he hadn't had Cas out there in the audience, big blue eyes scanning the room like a terrified deer in the headlights. Looking around like this one night, one moment, could change everything.

His brain skidded to a halt on that thought and his eyes once again found the deep, hypnotizing blue that he hadn't seen so close, so personal, or nearly so real in way too damn long. He knew that Cas was coming back to town tonight, was alive with the knowledge of it. Like he knew the back of his hand, or the fact that Gabriel had his good luck charm ring on a chain around his neck. Knew it like he knew that the earth revolved around the sun, or that if he left Gabriel in charge of dinner he would probably come back to a dozen pies and candies, but no actual food.

Finally a part of his brain seemed to catch up with the fact that he was standing there staring like a third grader with a crush. He tried to snap back into himself as reality came stumbling back to him. Even so he barely managed to hear the person who was introducing him, before he was being heralded onto the stage and those blue eyes were suddenly on his and the whole world seemed to drift away.

He had thought about the moment he would see Cas again almost every day, for the past ten years. What he would say, what he would do. How he would tell him to shove it. Call him a hypocritical dick and maybe even punch him, because hell, he fucking deserved it. He had played the scenario over in his head a million times and never once had they been back here at the place where it all came crumbling down. Not once had Cas written a book about two best friends who had lost each other and then spent the rest of their lives finding each other again. Not once had he imagined that when he looked into those blue eyes that had always held some stupid mystical power over him he would see what he saw now. Pain, guilt, sorrow, and a kind of broken acceptance that none of that was good enough. Cas was looking at him like he was God and Lucifer all wrapped into one, and hell, maybe for Cas in this moment he was. The only one with the power to both absolve him of his sins and punish him immensely for them. And instead of feeling the overwhelming sense of anger that he had always been certain would accompany the moment their eyes finally met again across a crowded room, he felt only a deep rooted kind of sadness and pain. He wondered if the anger would come when they were forced to talk, to discuss the events of that night all those years ago, but he doubted it. He hadn't felt truly angry about that night in a long time. The anger had been replaced by sadness, regret, and a deep sense of longing.

And as ridiculous as the analogy was he felt the words from Cas' book seep into his brain in that moment and suddenly they made sense like they hadn't before.

_"He was like an angel that had been stranded on earth for decades, millennia even with no wings and only when he saw him again, only when he was ensconced in his all encompassing grace did the phantom limbs cease to call out to him like a lost child in the night. Because he was his wings. And in that moment he knew with absolute clarity that__ without him he would only ever be an angel stranded on earth. Forever alone and forever without wings."_

When he heard the scuffling of feet near the pool table he realized that he had been standing on-stage for a ridiculously long time with a deer in the headlights expression, looking pathetically like this was the first time he'd ever been in front of a crowd before. He tore his eyes away from Cas and found the rest of the audience. He smiled as he saw the smug expression on Gabriel's face. Bright and happy like he had won some kind of a contest. Like making Dean look like a fool was going to go down as one of his biggest accomplishments, which knowing Gabe it probably was. Jake just looked slightly confused, but encouraging and Cassie looked like she wanted to run up on stage, take his guitar and microphone and give everyone the show they came here to see. The thought made Dean smile.

"Hi-ya, folks, I'm glad y'all could make it here tonight. Hope everyone is having a fucking awesome Friday and that Ellen isn't busting your balls too much."

The crowd laughed at that and he relaxed a little more. It was good to be back up here on the stage, even if it was a tiny ass stage in the back of Ellen's bar. It felt like home in a way that not many people would understand or even try to contemplate. He remembered that Cas had just smiled when he told him that one day he was going to find his home on-stage. They were ten and the world had still held endless possibilities for them. Nothing seemed to crazy or too out of reach and the fact that Dean was going to be a world famous rock star one day seemed as simple a goal as having peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. The memory made his heart pinch in a way that it hadn't for a while.

Dean smiled though, putting on the stage charm that had never failed to win over any audience he'd ever played for, "I'm sure this name will mean nothing to you, but my friends call me Dean Winchester and I used to be sort of a big deal. You don't mind if I annoy the hell out of you with a few songs while I relive my hay-day now do you?"

The men laughed and clapped and the women swooned and Dean was back in his element once again. The rush of the crowd had always gotten to him. Whether he was playing for two people or two million people the fact that he could be the one to put that sort of enthusiasm on people's faces, that his music, his lyrics actually reached beyond him and touched someone else was something he had trouble putting words to. It just was. Like the feeling you get when the first cold front of winter comes rippling through, a reminder that you're alive and get to experience all the magic once again.

"Now, I'm going to do something I usually don't do and sing a little bit of country for y'all. If my brother Sammy was here he'd flip his shit. But I wanted to ask is that okay? Just one song, I promise then it's back to the best music in the world. Rock and fucking roll!"

The crowd cheered their acquiescence and Dean laughed, "Good to hear it. Now, I'd like the dedicate this song to someone very special to me. He...well, hell, he taught me just about everything I know about life. All the good stuff anyway. And once upon a time he made me believe in the basic goodness of humanity again. I was mad at him for a really long time, because of something that happened what feels like a lifetime ago, but that doesn't stop the fact that he's my wings. And I'm aware that doesn't make any fucking sense, but I think maybe he'll understand what I mean. So here goes."

After he spoke he chanced a glance over at Cas and saw the understanding and tears welling up in his eyes and he thought that maybe Cas did understand. Maybe he understood before the words were even spoken. He smiled at him and then began to play.

_My old friend, I recall_

_The times we had hanging on my wall_

_I wouldn't trade them for gold_

_Cause they laugh and they cry me_

_Somehow sanctify me_

_They're woven in the stories I have told_

_And tell again_

_My old friend, I apologize_

_For the years that have passed_

_Since the last time you and I_

_Dusted off those memories_

_But the running and the races_

_The people and the places_

_There's always somewhere else I had to be_

_Time gets slim, my old friend_

_Don't know why, don't know why_

_Don't know why, don't know why_

_My old friend, this song's for you_

_Cause a few simple verses_

_Was the least that I could do_

_To tell the world that you were here_

_Cause the love and the laughter_

_Will live on long after_

_All of the sadness and the tears_

_We'll meet again, my old friend_

_We'll meet again, we'll meet again_

_Someday soon, we'll meet again_

The song drew to an end and Dean scanned the crowd as they jumped to their feet and clapped their hearts out. Even little Cassie was running up to the stage and smiling at him like he might just be the reincarnation of Christ himself. He laughed as Gabriel tried to contain Cassie, but Dean just smiled and took her in his arms, scanning the crowd to find Cas, looking at him like he had never seen him before and, yet like he knew exactly who he was. It was a weird sensation that made him smile on impulse.

He pulled Cassie close and smiled down at her. God she was perfect. She laughed and he stepped back in front of the microphone, "Now ladies and gentlemen this perfect little devil is my amazing daughter, Cassie. And let me tell you something, one day she is going to put her old man out of business. Hell, maybe even today."

The crowd laughed and cheered as Dean began to play the next few songs of his set and eventually Gabriel had to come on stage and entice Cassie away with some kind of candy that Dean would scold him for, but hell she was staying with Gabriel tonight, if he wanted to feed her candy that would keep her up all night it was completely his problem. Dean smiled as he continued his set of songs. All original. All belonging to his band, all the lyrics belonging to nobody, but him. It still felt amazing, being able to share something with the world that was entirely his and having other people come up to him and say how much it meant to them. How they understood what he was saying, how his lyrics, his pedestrian attempts at writing, could speak to them in a way that nothing else did.

When his set was done he had almost been able to forget the pair of blue eyes that had been watching him all night. Almost, but not quite, because he had always been able to feel when Cas was watching him. Like he had another sense that everyone else lacked, some kind of Cas-sense where if his friend was anywhere near him he knew. It didn't always work, because for a while after their fight Dean had felt it everywhere, like a second skin, he had always been looking over his shoulders and yet he had known that Cas wasn't anywhere near him then. But this was different. Cas was here and from the look in his eyes he wanted to talk. Dean kind of dreaded it, but after ten years it wasn't like he could avoid it for much longer anyway. As he found himself walking toward Cas the memory of that night so many years ago outside this very bar found it's way into his mind unbridled and he let the memories he'd been holding back for so long hit him full speed.

***Flashback, circa 2001: Dean and Cas are 18 and have just left The Roadhouse***

Dean slings an arm over Cas' shoulder as they walk out of The Roadhouse and into the somewhat chilly night air of Lawrence. Dean takes a moment to revel in this. Life like it is right now, knowing that when he tells Cas about Hollywood and record contracts everything is going to change. He hopes Cas won't be too mad. It's not like he is the one who has a full ride to Harvard, this is his only shot at getting out of this small town and actually making something of himself. Sure, Cas will be mad that their plans to live together in the fall in a little apartment off campus had gotten screwed up, but the Novaks will still pay for Cas to have his own place and Dean will visit all the time. Plus, Cas can come to California. He has a feeling that Cas would love the beach. The thought makes him smile.

Deciding to broach the subject Dean pulls Cas a little closer and says, "So, what do you think about California, Cas?"

He heard Cas laugh somewhere beside him, "It sounds interesting. I'm not sure I would fit in there, though."

"Cas, everybody fits in there. It's the land of the weirdos and freaks, if you didn't fit in there you wouldn't fit in anywhere."

"I suppose that could be accurate. Though I may be too...intellectual for California."

Dean laughed and pulled Cas into a hug, planting a quick kiss on his lips before pulling back, "Cas, you're too intellectual for everywhere."

His best friend merely smiled at him and said, "Yes, Dean, I suppose you could be right."

Too excited to avoid the subject any longer Dean said, "Guess you'll just have to get used to California, though."

Cas cocked his head to the side the way he always did when he didn't understand something and said, "Dean I'm moving to Massachusetts in a few months, why would I have to get used to California?"

Dean smiled, "Because that's where I'm moving, Cas!"

Any remnant of a smile left his friends face then. "I don't understand, I thought you were coming to Massachusetts with me. You were going to go to the community college and study to be a mechanic. We were going to have an apartment together, remember? We've been planning this since we were twelve!"

Dean had expected Cas to be a little upset so he said what he'd practiced, "I know, Cas, and nothing much has to change! I'll visit you all the time and you can come visit me. I just got this huge reception from the demo I sent to some people and they offered me a record deal. It's everything I've ever wanted handed to me on a silver fucking platter. I can't pass up this opportunity, it's not going to come again!"

His friend made a face like the world was ending and then said, "Dean everything is going to change, are you honestly so naive that you believe otherwise."

And that kind of pissed Dean off, because he wasn't naive, fuck he knew more about the real world than Cas could even imagine.

"Not naive, Cas, optimistic. Fuck what's wrong with you, I thought you'd be happy for me. This is the deal of a lifetime. I'm finally going to make something of myself. You always said I could be something special, that my music could touch people, I'm just proving you right, I'm just proving you aren't a liar."

"Happy for you? You honestly thought that I would happy that you are choosing to throw your life away on some silly pipe dream that probably isn't even going to come true. College, Dean. That is where you should be. Getting a mechanic's license and making something out of yourself. Not throwing away your efforts and talent hoping to become a musician."

"College has never been for me, Cas and you fucking know it. Do you really have so little faith in my talent that you think this is a fucking pipe dream? That I have no chance."

"I'm just imploring you to see reason. There are a million other pretty boys far more talented than you vying for the public spotlight. You have to know that your chances of being the one that gets noticed are slim."

Dean reeled back at that. Cas had always told him that he was one in a million. Even when Dean laughed and shoved at him, telling him to stop being such a fucking chick-flick. He had never been the one to tell Dean he was just another face in the crowd and man, that hurt more than Dean could have imagined it would.

"I'm not saying that I'm anything special, Cas, but they chose to see me, they want to talk to me. Doesn't that mean something? Doesn't that prove I have what it takes."

Cas looked pissed and hurt, Dean thought, but he was hurt himself so he didn't much care at the moment, "What it proves, Dean, is that they think they can mold you into what they want you to be. That they saw a poor kid from a nowhere town looking to get out and they knew that you would sell your soul if it meant that you could escape."

"Do you really think that, Cas? That I would sell out if it meant that I could make it?"

"I think that you would do just about anything to prove to your father that you aren't the piece of shit he always made you feel like and if that meant selling out, then yes. I think you would."

Dean wanted to cry, but he found a way to keep the tears at bay.

"Fuck you, then, Cas. Just fuck you."

"No fuck you, Dean. I thought you were my friend and that meant something to you. What about your brother? Have you even thought about Sam in all of this? Were you just going to leave him with the alcoholic that was never there for you growing up? Were you going to leave him with the guy that when he was there was beating the living shit out of you? Huh? Were you just going to abandon him for your dream?"

"I would never leave Sammy with him, how fucking dare you even say that shit, Cas. Dad never laid a hand on Sammy thanks to me. How many fucking nights did I crawl in your bedroom window beaten and crying after I sent Sam to a friends house because I knew Dad was having one of his bad days? How many fucking times did I take beating after beating for that kid and never complain because if I was getting hit then it wasn't Sammy. And you think I would just abandon him? Sammy's still going to stay in your parents guest house. I already talked to them about it."

Something akin to guilt flashed through his friends eyes before he said, "So you told everyone before me? Because I mean that little to you that I don't even deserve to know when your plans change."

Dean laughed, a bitter kind of laugh that he hadn't heard come out of his own throat in a long time, "Are you kidding me right now? You mean everything to me, Cas. Everything. I waited until last to tell you because I was scared."

"Scared of what, Dean? Hearing the truth, the truth that you might fail. That they don't want you because of your talent, but because you look great in a pair of jeans. Scared to tell me because you knew that I would tell you that they don't really want you, Dean, they want your story. Poor kid from a shitty background who got beat growing up and still managed to persevere and now he writes great songs full of angst and overcoming obstacles. They don't want you, Dean, they want something they can sell, and that's what you are giving them. You'll never be anything more than a pretty piece of white trash that they can use whenever they want. Plain and simple."

Dean felt the insults hit him right in the heart. Cas never talked like this, but he also never lied. And part of what he was saying was true. He didn't want to hear that, because it was what was running through his head since the moment they had said yes. He wasn't that talented at guitar and his voice wasn't even that great. Dean thought the truth of the statement was what hurt the most, especially coming from Cas. No bruise or cut his father left had ever left hurt like this.

When he found the words he said, "Go to hell."

And with that he turned around and walked away. If he had looked back he would have seen his friend fall to the ground, tears falling out of his eyes, regretting every word, but as it was Dean just walked straight on ahead, past the Impala where it would stay parked until the next morning when Jo would drive it to his house for him. He walked until he didn't know where he was going anymore, tears falling out of his eyes so thick that he didn't even notice when he wound up in the park at that old bench that he and Cas use to always have their talks at. He sat down and cried even harder and when Gabriel showed up a little while later his only acknowledgment was muttering, "I hate your brother," and curling up into his side and crying.

Two weeks later Dean left for California.

***End of Flashback***

Dean felt the wound all over again, but this was Cas and it had been a long time since that night, a lifetime practically. If nothing else they could at least find a way to be civil to each other. They had once shared everything from their darkest secrets to their wildest dreams. Hell, they'd even shared underwear, they could talk like the adults they were and sort stuff out. Ten years had passed after all, it wasn't like this had happened yesterday, no matter how much it might feel like it.

Before he got to Cas a blur of dark hair sidetracked him, "Daddy! You were so great and guess what?"

He smiled down at his daughter and said, "What?" trying to inject as much curiosity into his voice as was humanly possible.

He saw Gabriel walk up behind Cassie then and say, "Don't believe anything she says unless it's about how amazing and flawless I am."

Dean gave him a suspicious look before turning back to Cassie who sighed and said, "Papa gave me pecan pie!"

Dean just laughed, "That's okay, baby, because you are staying at Papa's house tonight, remember?"

Gabriel shot him a look that screamed, 'Fuck he's right.' before Cassie exclaimed, "Yep! Oh and guess what else?"

Dean saw Jake standing off to the side looking a little awkward and he felt kind of bad, it was almost like he was the outsider right now and they were the family, but he couldn't say anything, because his mind was already racing almost too much to even pay attention to the conversation at hand.

"What is it darling?"

Cassie smiled really big and threw herself onto the ground before yelling, "Unca Cas is back!" and running up to the, for all intents and purposes, stranger and grabbing his hand dragging him forward until Dean was face to face with his old friend.

His first thought was that Cas had grown up nice. He had filled out a bit more and lost the skinniness that had plagued him so much in youth. He was still slim, but it was a more manly type of slim. His hair had gotten a shade or two darker and he now had stubble where he had always been clean shaven before. He had gotten a bit of a tan, not dark by any means, but not the pale that Dean had remembered. But those eyes, there was nothing about them that had changed. They were still too wide, too open, to easy to get lost in. Just one look and he was already almost willing to forgive Cas. Not without some explanation, though, damn sure not without an apology.

Gabriel spoke up first, scooping Cassie into his arms and saying, "Well, looks like you two need to have a conversation. Say goodnight to your Dad, kiddo, let's go have some fun."

Then he turned to Cas and said, "We'll be in the car when you're ready little brother."

Cassie leaned over and kissed him, telling him good night and she loved him. Gabe kissed him on the cheek and said he'd call later. Jake smiled and pressed a quick kiss to his lips before saying he was going to go home.

When they were finally alone Dean turned to Cas and said, "So, it's been a while."

Cas smiled and Dean resisted the temptation to just pull him in a hug and tell him to forget everything. His words had hurt Dean, a lot and maybe Dean was the stupid one for believing them. Maybe Cas had just been angry and pissed and lashed out. But Dean needed to know that was the case. Needed to tell Cas that he was sorry for abandoing him, sorry for choosing himself over their friendship. He didn't regret the last ten years, because they had brought him Cassie and she was the best thing that had ever happened to him, but he sure as hell wishes that his best friend had been there too. Had seen his daughters first steps, first words. Had been there when his dad died. Had been there when Sammy got married. There were so many things in his life that had happened in the past ten years he wishes Cas had been able to be a part of.

"Dean."

"Wait, Cas, why don't we take this outside, this conversation is a little too important to have in the middle of a crowded bar."

Cas nodded but said, "Would that not be, what is the expression. Tempting fate?"

Dean laughed, man he had missed his friend and his lack of pop culture understanding. It was something he found he was really fucking glad hadn't changed.

"I don't know, Cas, you aren't tempted to cuss me out again are you?"

Dean was trying for nonchalant joking, but the way Cas' eyes seemed to dim made him regret it, "I'm kidding come on, it's the place of our big fight, might as well be the place of our big reconciliation."

Cas stopped mid step and turned to Dean, "Do you really mean that? You actually want to reconcile."

Dean sighed, "Of course I do, Cas. I didn't keep your trench coat in my closet all these years because I thought it was stylish. We have some shit to sort out, yeah, but I was hoping that once we'd talked it all out we could maybe go have lunch at Kripke's Diner, I remember how much you used to love the pie there. If you can believe it that old guy is still kickin."

Cas looked relieved as they made their way outside and felt the chilly night air hit them just like it had all those years ago, "Dean, you have no idea how much I have always wanted to hear you say that. I admit I have dreamt of this day, but more often than not you told me to fuck off and stormed away, I can't say I would blame you if you did the same tonight."

"And I'm not saying you wouldn't deserve it. And maybe if I was still the petty eighteen year old I was when all this shit happened, I would, but I'm not. Cas, look, what you said hurt me, a whole fucking hell of a lot and I would give most anything to be able to forget that it ever happened, but I can't and it did and I'm not going to pretend it didn't. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for my part in it. It was shitty of me to bail on you like that. I shouldn't have put myself above our friendship. I shouldn't have just abandoned you and I'm really sorry for that."

Cas looked up at him in surprise, "Dean, no. Please, don't apologize to me. The things I said to you were horrible and unspeakable. I was...am so ashamed to have even uttered such things to you. I pray you know that I did not truly mean any of them. As Gabriel seems so fond of reminding me I worshipped you. I thought you were more talented than Led Zeppelin and more intriguing than Elvis Presley. I never once doubted your talent and determination would make you one of the most successful people in the world. In fact, I longed for it, craved it as much as I did my own successes, probably even more."

Dean sighed and followed Cas' eyes to where they were trained on his feet, "Then why did you say it, Cas? I spent so much time replaying those words over and over in my head. I just want to know why."

When Dean looked up again he saw the blue of his best friends eyes filled with tears as he continued, "There is no excuse that is suitable for the harsh things I said, but the truth is that I was terrified. I loved you more fiercely than I had ever loved anyone before, and in many ways, since. I thought you would be around forever and I couldn't imagine my life without you in it, those things combined made me even more convinced that one day you would see that you were this cool, amazing, brilliant person and I was just your dorky best friend. I would get left behind. I loved you too much for that. So that night when you told me that all my worst fears were coming true the only thing I could think to do was hurt you before you hurt me. I thought if I said the things that I knew you were most scared of hearing then you would hate me so much that you would leave, but it would be on my terms. That or you would listen to me and come to Massachusetts like we planned. I have never regretted anything more than I do the words I said to you that night. They were so wrong, Dean, and I had no idea the lasting impact..."

Dean felt a little betrayed and cut him off, "Gabriel told you then, huh? About my problems in California."

Cas at least had the decency to look slightly shamed, "Gabriel never told me anything about you until tonight. He knew it was not his place to say. I assume the reverse is true as well, not that I ever imagined you would want to know about me, not after that night. But tonight Gabriel told me a few things he thought might be easier if coming from him. He wished to relieve you of having to relive some of your more harrowing experiences."

Dean laughed, a bit hollow, but not completely without mirth before whispering, "You know, I never told anyone this, but I thought about it once. The thing you don't want to mention, but I'm sure you asked Gabriel. I was sitting there, not long after I got to California, in this big empty apartment and Dad had just come for a visit because he was pissed as hell that I left and 'took Sammy away from him' and...well you know how Dad is when he gets pissed. So I'm sitting there, or more like lying there, in this pathetic ball on the floor thinking about how fucking sad it was that I'm eighteen years old and still taking beatings from my old man and how worthless I was and just thinking that no matter how far I ran or how much money I made I would never be able to escape who I was and where I came from. And you know what saved me from picking up that gun?"

Cas looked like he wanted to cry or throw up, but Dean had to get this out, because it was true and it might make his friend feel better about everything. For a brief moment he wondered when he had stopped being so pissed and started wanting to help Cas feel better, but he assumed it had something to do with the fact that Cas just said he had worshipped him. He hoped that was something akin to love.

"You did, or what you said anyway. It sounds kind of stupid doesn't it? But all I could think about, besides letting Sammy down, was that if I picked up that gun and took the easy way out it would prove you right. It would make all the shit you said about me right and more than anything I wanted to become somebody in spite of you. I wanted to be able to run into you on the street one day and show you how wrong you were about me. Wanted to prove to you and myself that I wasn't the person you thought I was. That I was worth it and that I didn't have to sell out to be that way."

Cas looked like he didn't know whether to laugh or cry and since Dean kind of felt that way it made him want to smile. Something about Cas and the formal way he apologized and the pain in his eyes told Dean that one day soon they would be okay again and it felt better than he could have imagined to be standing a few feet away from Cas after all these years. He allowed a smile to spread across his face.

Suddenly Cas said, "I attended a concert once."

Dean smiled, the feelings of elation that caused in him were somewhat pathetic, "You don't say."

A small smile graced Cas' lips before he continued, "It was for your first CD, you were playing a show in Massachusetts and even after everything I wanted to see you. Wanted to hear you. I was and am, so very proud of you Dean. I got good seats too, but I made sure they weren't too close, just in case you happened to look in the audience I wanted to blend in so you wouldn't know I was there. I didn't want to upset you. I hadn't bought your CD, yet, because I was too afraid of what might be on it, so it was the first time I heard Infinity. I stood in an audience of thousands of people and I cried. I don't think I had ever felt more alone than I did hearing you sing that song, sing any song, really, because it brought back all the awful things I said to you and I didn't even want to think about it. I bought your CD that night and listened to it on repeat for months afterward. Until my apartment-mate threatened to strangle me if I played it one more time. I was just so amazed by it, Dean. All these words and these melodies and they had come from you. I knew you were talented, I knew you had something special inside of you, but I had no idea how incredibly worthy you were until that day and it just made me feel even more unworthy of ever having been your friend. You really are a gift to the world, Dean Winchester, and I pray you never let anyone, especially me, tell you otherwise again."

Dean smiled back the tears at Cas' speech. To know that Cas had been there that day after all was exhilarating. He had always hoped that he was, had given one of the best performances of his career just in case trying to show him how worth it he was, and to know that Cas had liked it meant everything, especially now.

Without conscious thought to do so he found himself saying, "I went to your first book singing. The one in Connecticut where you gave that big speech at Yale beforehand. I sat in the back and wore a pretty pathetic disguise, but I was there. And I was so proud of you, Cas. I even read your book, if you can actually believe that. I remember getting it and thinking, 'My best friend is a world famous author' before the reality had actually set in. I wanted to get it signed, to walk up to you and say something that would make you forget everything. I wanted to tell some joke that made you smile one of those genuine huge smiles that you reserved only for me. But I couldn't, I just couldn't face up to you then. I was still kind of angry and hurt and I didn't really care what excuses you had at the time."

"Then why did you come?"

Dean shrugged, honestly he'd been asking himself the same question for years, even though he knew the answer deep down, "Because I still loved you, Cas, and I was still proud of you. Nothing could ever change that."

Dean saw something like gratitude or relief pass through Cas eyes, but he didn't have enough time to decipher it because Cas was in his face throwing his arms around him and pulling him into a hug before he could even try to figure out what should come next. He was too shocked to move for a moment, but when he regained his composure he wrapped his arms around Cas and just breathed. He wasn't sure how long they stood there like that before he leaned over and whispered in Cas' ear, "I missed you, Castiel Novak."

He felt his friend let out a somewhat shaky breath before pulling back to look in his face before responding, "I missed you too, Dean Winchester." and planting a soft kiss on his lips like they had done so many times before when they were kids. Dean knew how cheesy it would sound so he didn't even let the thought linger too long in his own brain, but it felt like coming home.

Gabriel honked his car horn at them after a few more moments of silent staring and Dean laughed and relented that it probably was time to go.

"Why don't you go before Gabe and Cassie come out here and murder me. But maybe we could have lunch at Kripke's tomorrow? You could bring your kids, I know Sam will want to bring Carmen and the kids along and Gabe and Cassie will insist on coming so not like we can escape anyway. It could be nice, you know, like all those pathetic lunches we planned when we were kids."

And Dean would have felt like the biggest girl in the world saying it to anyone but Cas, because this was a chick flick moment if he ever saw one. Hell, their entire conversation was a huge fucking chick flick moment, but he had always had those with Cas, had never been able to avoid them. It was kind of ironic, he thought, because everyone saw Cas as this hyper logical, unemotional kind of guy and he was on the outside, but inside he was just as much of a mess as the rest of humanity and his lack of understanding things that most of humanity would take for a given generally meant he was more.

Cas looked at him and smiled, "That sounds...perfect. And just so you know, I still love pie and my favorite flavor is still apple."

And with that he watched as Cas turned around and walked to Gabriel's car. He had to smile, because he knew that Cas wasn't just saying that he still loved pie. He was saying that there was still a place in his life and his heart for Dean, that there always had been and that there always would be. It felt good to know for sure for the first time in ten years that he wasn't alone in this.

Dean smiled and texted Sam as he got into the car, telling him that he was going to stop by in a bit that he had something to tell him. He turned Led Zeppelin on full blast and sang along to the radio feeling better than he had in years, he even decided to take the long route home just to take a moment to enjoy the fact that his life was starting to make sense again. If his music hadn't been so loud he might have heard the screech of brakes as the car on the intersection lost control. As it was all he felt was the crushing impact and then he saw the faces of Sammy, Cassie, Gabriel, and Castiel flash though his mind for the briefest of moments before darkness.

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><p>Just so you know, I don't hate John Winchester. I love him very much. I just wanted needed someone that wasn't Cas to blame a lot of Dean's problems on and he was there. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please don't hate me for the end, rainbows and sunshine will come out of it eventually. REVIEW.<p> 


	9. The Chapel

**A/N**: _Sorry, guys, it took me a long time to figure out exactly where I wanted to go from where I was, plus for some reason I decided to enter like twenty fic contests and that was stupid of me, but I'm back and hoping you like this chapter. P.S. I really wish I could just get rid of Jake, already, but don't worry soon. It's not like anyone really cares about him anyway, right?_

**Disclaimer:**_ I think it's safe to assume I'm not secretly Eric Kripke, in which case clearly they are not mine._

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><p><strong>The Chapel<strong>

It had been almost thirty minutes since Gabriel had dropped Cas off at home and carried a tuckered out Cassie inside. She had insisted that she wasn't tired at all and that they watch a movie together. Gabriel told her it was late and she was just going to fall asleep. She had pouted until he relented and still she was out like a light only five minutes into _The Little Mermaid_. He had smiled as he looked down at this little girl that he loved like she was his own, swooped her into his arms and carried her into her newly furnished bedroom. He kissed her on the cheek, turned her night-light on, and shut the door lightly so as not to wake up the sleeping angel. Stopping briefly at the top of the stairs to wish that this was his life.

However, after making his way downstairs and sitting on the couch with a book he found that he was beginning to worry. Dean would usually have called by now, his overprotective dad act a well rehearsed routine at this point, and yet the minutes ticked by and nothing. He supposed that Dean could have gotten caught up talking to Sam or Jake about his reunion with Cas, but enough to forget about the most important person in his life? He doubted that very much.

After forty-five minutes had gone by without word he was really starting to let the panic seep in. This wasn't normal. This wasn't Dean. So, when the phone rang, startling him out of his pacing across the room he dreaded answering it, knowing in his heart that something was very wrong. He took a deep breath, reached out and said as calmly as he could muster, "Hello."

A calm, but high pitched voice responded, "I'm sorry to disturb you so late, sir, but we are looking for a...Gabriel Novak, is he in?"

The feeling of dread coursed through him as he said, "This is he."

"Well, Mr. Novak, my name is Nurse Marie Livingstone and I'm with Lawrence Regional Hospital. There was a Mr. Winchester brought in earlier. He was involved in a high speed collision."

Gabriel felt the world disappear and he will never know how he found the presence of mind to ask, "Is he...okay? What happened?" His mind racing with the possiblities, but surely they would have told him outright if it was anything serious. Surely they would have started with that.

A pause from the other end, as though the lady were reading all of this off a chart, "Mr. Winchester is in serious condition. As one of the people on his emergency contact list, we are able to tell you all of his information, but it would be best if you came to the hospital. I can have Dr. Milton ready to give you and his brother, Samuel, an update when you arrive."

A thousand things were swirling around in Gabriel's head and finally he managed to say, "Of course, we'll be there immediately, just tell me is he...he's going to be okay, right?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Novak, but right now I can't answer that."

He heard a bit of the annoyance he was feeling seep into his voice as he said, "But what does that mean?"

The nurse on the other end sighed, "It means only time will tell, but I think it would be best if you could bring his family when you come."

Gabriel almost dropped the phone. Bring his family. That meant...they didn't think. That meant they thought he could die, "He has a daughter..."

"How old is she?"

"Uhh, two, no sorry, she just turned three."

"And is she awake sir?"

Gabriel shook his head, "God, no, she's in bed."

"Perhaps it would be best if you let her sleep, then, she's too young to understand much of what's going on anyway."

Gabriel wanted to argue. To tell the nurse that Cassie was smarter than any of them combined and that she was going to rule the world someday, but all he could do was mutter his assent as the nurse told him that Sam wanted him to call Cas, that he had called Jake already and that Jess and him were on his way. He felt like punching someone, throwing himself into a ball on the floor and crying, or just getting in the car and driving as far away from this place as possible.

This was why Gabriel didn't get attached. This was why he didn't like to stay in one place too long, because staying equaled having your heart broken and right now the idea of life without Dean Winchester was...well it just wasn't a life that Gabriel could find much sense in living.

The next thirty minutes went by in a blur. Years later he wouldn't even be able to remember calling Rosemary and asking her to babysit. He wouldn't be able to tell you what he had told Cas, or even how he had ended up at the hospital. People told him Cas drove, he assumed that was probably for the best.

What he did remember was the waiting room. Cold, impersonal, and coated in the smell of sickness and antiseptic. He thought about how much Dean hated hospitals. How he complained that the nurses were never hot enough for him to be willing to stay as long as they always seemed to want to keep him. Thought about the last time he'd been in a hospital with Dean, after his motorcycle accident that gave him that scar on the back of his forth finger. The one that Gabriel always said gave him character. It was the last thing Gabriel used to kiss at night when they were curled up in bed together. Snuggling though neither would admit that is what they were doing. Gabriel would kiss Dean's fingers one at a time, always pausing the most on that one and planting the gentlest of kisses to it. At first the attention had made Dean blush, after a while it only made him smile up at Gabriel with an unreadable look in his eyes and an unmistakable warmth in his smile.

He was torn out of his remembrance when he saw Sam. Sam, who was taller than any human had a right to be but who looked about two feet tall now, in his worn out jeans and the Stanford sweatshirt Dean had given him for his birthday a few years ago. Puppy eyes on full alert and looking at him like he wanted nothing more than for Gabriel to tell him this is all some kind of a dream. He wished he could.

"Gabriel, God, it's...they wouldn't tell me anything until you got here, apparently you have power of attorney...he never told me that."

Gabriel gasped as he felt himself sway on his feet, he briefly considered turning around and running out of the hospital, but Sam's face was too earnest, too trusting to turn away from. Plus, Dean would kick his ass later if he found out that Gabe had tucked tail and run when Sam needed him. And Dean could kick some serious ass when he wanted to.

"I didn't...know."

Sam nodded vigorously and Gabriel had the feeling that if he told Sam elephants were purple right now he would just nod and believe him. Then Sam turned to Cas. Cas who was looking up at the man like he couldn't believe this was little Sammy Winchester, the dorky kid who had followed him and Dean around their entire adolescence. Of course, Cas hadn't seen Sam since he was fourteen years old so that was probably a pretty accurate representation of his thoughts at the moment.

Sam looked at Cas like a lost puppy and said, "Cas, it's good to see you again, man, just wish it wasn't...like this."

Cas shook his head and then looked up at Sam with tear filled eyes, stoic face given away by the tears that stained his cheeks, "Samuel Winchester, you grew up."

A brief smile crossed Sam's features before he swooped down and took Cas into his arms tightly, "God, Cas, I'm so glad you haven't changed."

After a few moments a voice rang out from behind them. It was foreign, rich, and deep, "Mr. Novak? Mr. Winchester?"

Gabriel and Sam looked up simultaneously to see the man. He was about Cas' height with dark blonde hair, searing blue eyes, and a tan that told Gabriel he didn't vacation here in Kansas. If the circumstances were different he'd be all for hooking up with the doctor, or at least annoying the hell out of Cas until he agreed to, but they weren't so he simply stood beside Sam as he came to greet them.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Milton, but I hate formalities so please call me Balthazar. I'm Dean's doctor."

Sam's voice sounded skeptical when he spoke, "Balthazar, like the demon on Charmed?"

Balthazar laughed, "Actually it's an old Persian name meaning splendid prince, I find it a rather fitting title don't you think."

Sam smiled a little and shook his hand as Gabriel did the same. Gabriel heard hushed murmers that told him Jess, Jake, and Castiel were introducing themselves in the background and giving them some privacy.

When Balthazar spoke next his professional courtesy had returned and his face was serious, "I'm out here to tell you that Dean has just made it out of surgery. It was touch and go for a while, but he made it out of surgery, which is a good sign. When the other car lost control on the intersection Dean was hit from the drivers side, so his impact was pretty severe. He lost a lot of blood and had some head trauma and internal bleeding in the brain. We won't know the full impact of those injuries until he wakes up. His left wrist was also completely smashed, he broke a few ribs, and his right knee was pretty shattered. Aside from that a few cuts and bruises from the windshield and getting thrown around. I don't want to make this sound worse than it is, but I also don't want to give you false hope. If Dean doesn't wake up in the next seventy-two hours, the chances of him waking up at all are very slim. It is also very likely, due to the extent of his head injuries that if he wakes up he won't be the Dean that you know, at least not at first. There is a good chance of slight memory loss or even full blown amnesia. I also know he's a musician, so I feel I should tell you that there is a very good chance that due to the extent of his wrist injury that he will never be able to play a guitar again. I don't want to overwhelm you with bad news, but I feel like you deserve the truth."

Gabriel could see that Sam was fighting a losing battle with the tears that were welling up in his eyes and Gabriel couldn't really say he blamed him. He could barely manage to remember how to breathe himself.

He heard Sam say, "Can...can we see him, yet?" from somewhere to his left, but he couldn't register the response or what else was happening as he took off running down the hall. He heard Castiel and Sam call out for him, but he kept running. He knew it was stupid, he couldn't run away from the news he had just heard, but standing there and listening seemed like signing Dean's death certificate and he just couldn't believe that there wasn't some way that Dean was going to survive. Some way he was going to fight back and beat the odds. He had to believe that. He just had to.

When he came back to himself he realized that he was standing in front of the hospital chapel. He wanted to laugh and cry at the same time remembering how he had found Dean here a few years ago after his dad had died. How Dean had cussed out a God he wasn't even sure existed for making him grow up the way he did. For making him live through it all. He remembered watching Dean collapse onto the ground and crying because of all the fucked up things he actually missed his dad and he couldn't figure out why.

He took a deep breath and pushed the door open, finding the chapel empty, which didn't surprise him at almost 1am. He closed his eyes and walked to the front of the small room. Taking a seat at the pew closest to the picture of Jesus on the cross. And for the first time in at least ten years he folded his hands together, bowed his head and prayed.

_Father, I'm a little lost right now. And I know that I have no right to ask for our guidance or help after walking away from you so many years ago, but its not for me, it's for Dean. I know you know that name, because...I imagine he's hard to forget no matter who you are. But you see, he...he might not believe in you so much, but fuck he wants to. He wants to believe in everything good about the world, but he's mostly dealt with the bad so he has a little trouble seeing the good. He doesn't think that he's really anything special. But you and I, well we know what a load of bullshit that is, so can you please just help him. He deserves this miracle. He...he earned this one. Please. Just...please._

He heard the door to the chapel open and he quickly looked up and whiped away the tears from his eyes. Looking around quickly to see Cas standing in the back and looking at him. Sad blue eyes magnified in the dark and all he wanted to do was run to his little brother and cry on his shoulder, but he stopped himself.

When Cas sat down in the pew across from him and folded his hands in his lap Gabriel broke down. He put his head in his hands and just cried. Cried at the injustice of it all. Cried that a good man like Dean would be lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life after everything that he had already been through. Cried that he was the one who was going to have to tell Cassie that her daddy might never come home. Cried at missed opportunities and chances that he was too scared to take. And after he was done crying about all that he cried just to cry. To wallow in the fact that the man that he loved might die never knowing how he felt and suddnely it felt like a punishment. Like it was all his fault, because maybe if Gabriel had been brave enough to tell Dean that it was never just dicking around with them then Dean would have been in the car with them that night. Dean would have been sitting next to him on the couch as Cassie fell asleep, and wrapped around him in bed right now as he counted the freckles on that beautiful nose of his, instead of in here like this.

After a few more minutes of silence he turned to Cas and voiced aloud his fear, "Do you think He's punishing me, Cas?"

Confusion flickered across his brother's face as he said, "Who?"

"You know who...God."

Sadness colored Cas' voice as he spoke, "Why would he do that?"

Gabriel huffed humorlessly, "Because I walked away, Cas. Because I gave up trying to fight to keep my faith. Because it was easier to walk away then to stand up and fight. Or maybe He's punishing Dean for not believing enough, for not trusting Him enough, for wanting to die all those years ago when everything got too hard. Maybe He thinks this is some kind of justice."

He heard Cas sigh, "Gabriel, you know He isn't like that."

Gabriel turned to Cas, tears welling up in his eyes once more, "Dean might die, Cas, I don't know anything anymore."

His brother smiled, one of those half smiles that Dean used to love so much, "Dean's going to be fine."

"You don't know that."

Cas sighed and intertwined his hands, "Maybe not. But He does. Dean's a fighter, Gabriel. Look at everything he's gone through in his life already and he's still standing. A tiny car crash isn't going to defeat the great Dean Winchester. He'd have to come back from the grave and find a cooler way to die out of sheer embarrasment."

Gabriel laughed a little at that. Because that sounded like Dean and man there was nothing he wanted to believe more in this moment.

"Besides, he's got too much to live for. He'll fight and he'll come back to us. You'll see."

"You really think so?"

"I do."

Gabriel smiled slightly at his brother as he got up and rested a hand on his shoulder briefly before walking toward the door.

"Oh and Gabriel."

"Yeah?"

"It's good to see you back in a pew. I'm sure He would agree."

Gabriel smiled at Cas as he walked out the door, suddenly feeling like maybe, just maybe things could be alright after all. This was Dean Winchester they were talking about. And Dean didn't give up anything without a fight.

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><p>I am sorry this update is shorter than usual, but I am hopefully going to update again soon. I'm working on my fic for the Debriel mini-bang, though, and I have a deadline so bear with me. Anyway, I hope you liked it and it was worth the wait. Review!<p> 


	10. Spend All My Time Waiting

**A/N:**_ My mind went temporarily insane in the last chapter and I seemed to forget that Sam was married to Carmen, not Jess. Anyway, just assume that Carmen was home taking care of the kids and Jess is an old friend that was there to be supportive to Sam. That being said, this chapter is up much faster than the last. Hope you enjoy it :)_

**Disclaimer:** _Not even remotely mine._

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><p><strong>Spend All My Time Waiting<strong>

It had been two days since the accident, forty-eight excruciating hours, and the only thing that had changed was everyone's optimism about Dean's condition. Dean had blinked once and the fingers on his right hand had twitched but Dr. Balthazar had said they were muscle spasms and unfortunately they didn't relay any true messages about whether or not Dean was trying to fight his way back to them or not. Gabriel hadn't been home yet. Cas and Carmen had taken turns bringing him and Sammy changes of clothes and the hospital had been nice enough to let them shower in Dean's private room. The only other time he left Dean's side was when Carmen had brought a very subdued Cassie to the hospital to visit Dean and he had looked into her sad, tear filled eyes and told her to pray, that he was going to try to make sure her daddy got better. He had never felt more helpless in his life than he did looking into the too green eyes and freckled face of this little girl that looked so much like her daddy.

Carmen had taken the kids to Jess' house to spend a few days. Jess and her friend Lisa were more than happy to babysit and watch over them. When they had to go to class or work, Cas' nanny would take them. Gabriel had been really worried about how Cassie would take things after that first day, but apparently all those Sunday's at church had paid off, because she was surprisingly calm for a three year old after that. Of course, Gabe assumed that maybe that was because she couldn't grasp the implications of what it would really mean for her daddy to be gone forever. Or maybe it was because Dean only told her stories of good triumping over evil and lives filled with happily ever afters. Gabriel had wondered once if that was his way of compensationg for never being told those kind of stories as a kid. For never being able to believe that a world like that existed. A world where good truly triumped over evil, where good people were rewarded instead of punished. Where happily ever afters were as common as garden gnomes. He guessed if it was was, then that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Maybe he could even convince himself while he was at it.

He could still remember that day that Dean had come over lip bloodied and eyes swollen with tears. Would never forget the way that Cas had told him that he would never hurt him and that he didn't care what anyone said, he would be his best friend forever. Couldn't forget the look on Dean's face when Cas had smiled and said, "Good things do happen, Dean." And his brothers friend had looked up, earnest green eyes alight with more tears and whispered, "Not in my experience."

He thought it was that day that a part of his heart surrendered itself to Dean Winchester and never really came back.

Sam was doing about as good as Gabriel, which was to say not good at all. They spent their days sitting, waiting, eating, sleeping, but really just going through the motions. They took brief reprieves when the kids came and painted smiles on their faces that never reached their eyes. They were zombies, plain and simple minus the flesh eating tendacies and gross oozing of bodily fluids.

Jake was freaked out, worried, and was often found pacing outside of the room whenever his shift ended and he realized that nothing had changed. That there was no news to report.

Cas was as unreadable as ever to the long list of people that didn't know him. He stood in the background and watched, as though he couldn't decide if he truly belonged here or not. Gabriel would have laughed at the ridiculousness of his baby brothers predicament had the situation been any less dire. Cas had never been able to hide his emotions behind the stoic mask he wore every day to those who were on the short list of people who could read those sad blue eyes. He might have talked a big game about his certainty that God would spare Dean, but deep down he was absolutely terrified. Dean and him shared this weird sort of profound bond that only ever came once in a lifetime and he knew that for Cas losing Dean, truly and forever, so soon after having just found him again would be like losing a part of himself. It would be like learning to walk with no legs or trying to breathe with no lungs. And if he heard him break down crying for well over two hours one night when he thought that Gabriel and Sam had drifted off to sleep, well he had the decency not to mention it when the sun rose and his eyes were puffy and stained red.

And the thing that scared him the most was that he didn't know if his brother could find a way to go on if Dean didn't wake up. He didn't know if any of them could.

In the early morning hours of day three with nothing to go on but faith and desperation Jake asked Gabriel to have breakfast with him. Gabriel was reluctant to leave Dean even for a moment, but Sam and Cas were standing watch and he couldn't really find it in his heart to be cruel to Jake at a time like this, so he went down to the oddly eccentric hospital cafeteria and sat with Jake in the most seculded corner that was available to them.

It was in that moment, sitting across from Jake and looking into his sad, defeated blue eyes that Gabriel felt a rush of sympathy for this man that he had never imagined possible. In that moment he imagined what it must be like to love Dean Winchester so unequivocally and be terrified of losing him, but still feel like an outsider in his world. To be so close to having all of Dean and so close to having none of him; forever. He wondered what it must be like to be Jake and to feel like no matter how long he was around, or how long he loved Dean he would never truly fit in; would never truly belong and to have this realization while the man that he loved lay in a hospital bed surrounded by the people that were allowed to love him in a way he wasn't sure he ever could.

Jake's rough voice broke him out of his reprieve, "Gabriel, look, I know that we haven't always gotten along, hell we barely tolerate each others presence most of the time, but you know I love Dean and Cassie..."

Before he could finish Gabriel said, "I'm sorry."

Confusion crossed Jake's features as he muttered, "Huh?"

Gabriel knew if he didn't say this now he never would, he kind of took after Dean with the no chick-flick moments rule, even if the past few days had felt like a never-ending one.

"I never cared about your perspective before. I didn't care that you were nice, charming, and handsome. I didn't care that you treated Dean right. I didn't give a shit that you weren't a dick, because you were with Dean and that...well that was bad enough. Really, that was everything. And maybe it's too late to say it and more likely than not you don't give a fuck what I think anyway, but Dean loves you and if you can make him happy then that's enough for me. It's enough."

Jake sighed across from him and almost whispered, "I can't. I don't."

"What?"

"I don't make him happy, Gabriel. Not really. Maybe at first, and maybe on the surface. I know that Dean loves me in a sense, but ever since he was fourteen years old and this stupid kid with a penchant for trouble and a smart mouth fought off someone on his behalf his heart hasn't been free to give away. That kid took it and I don't think Dean ever really wanted to ask for it back, don't think he ever really was capable of asking for it back and because of that I don't think that anyone has ever really stood a chance since."

Gabriel sighed, "Jake..."

"No, listen. I love Dean. I would move mountains and betray countries, I would kill and die and mame and torture and do anything really in his name and there is a part of me that will always belong to that green eyed man that will never understand his own self worth, hell probably most of me, but it wouldn't be right of me to make Dean stay when I know that he could have so much more than what I can give to him. Dean loves me, Gabriel, I know he does; but not like he loves you. The thing is, Dean has always thought that it was one sided. That he was the only one foolish enough to give his heart away all those years ago, so I need you to make sure that you tell him that he wasn't."

Gabriel was shocked, "What so you're just giving Dean up?"

Jake ran his hand across his mouth, a habit Gabriel knew he picked up from Dean, "Thing is, he was never mine to give up."

"Still you don't think he's worth fighting for?"

"That's just it, Gabriel. I have been fighting for a year with the memory of you and the hope that it isn't just a memory. Truth is Dean is never going to love anyone else the way he loves you. The rest of us are just second string that will never really be starters."

Gabriel almost laughed, "You suck ass at analogies, Jake-y."

Jake gave a brief smile and then put a spoonful of something that sort of resembled oatmeal in his mouth, making a face like he had just cut his heart out with a spoon and was expected to somehow still live. Gabriel figured to Jake it might be a lot like amputating a limb, this saying goodbye to Dean shit, because even if Dean did wake up Jake was walking away, being the better man and letting Dean fuck up his own romantic life. Letting Dean follow his heart; even knowing it wouldn't lead to him. Realizing this Gabriel wondered if that made Jake either a saint or a martyr. Either way he was going to have to find a way to live without Dean and Gabriel figured whatever way you looked at it that meant he lost. He'd rather be the most selfish bastard on the planet than figure out how to deal with that. With life after Dean. He wasn't even sure such a thing existed; not really.

After a few minutes of mostly comfortable silence Gabriel sighed and said the only thing that came to his mind, "What if he doesn't wake up?"

Jake looked at him with sad eyes, "I can't believe that God would play dice with the universe."

Gabriel couldn't help but snort at the ridiculousness of that quote, "Are you seriously quoting Albert Einstein to me right now?"

"I'm actually relatively impressed that you even know who Albert Einstein is."

Gabriel gave him a look and Jake sighed again.

"He'll wake up."

"And if he doesn't?"

"We'll deal with it then."

And since this moment was getting to be too chick-flick for anyone's tastes Gabriel had to thrown in, "I can't believe you are breaking up with a guy in a coma. Dick move, Dr. Jake, dick move."

Jake rolled his eyes and a hint of a smile ghosted his lips, the first Gabriel had seen in days, "I'll assume this means things are back to normal with us now."

"Believe whatever you want, Doc, you're paying for lunch by the way."

Gabriel made his way to Dean's room a lot slower than he normally would have, but he just didn't know what to do. A part of him dreaded going back in there and seeing Dean lying on the bed, helpless and so completely out of control. Dean would have hated it too, he knew. Everyone watching him all the time. He would be claustrophobic, nervous and twitchy at the thought of so many eyes on him for so long. He hated being singled out. Gabriel would have laughed at the irony of the fact that Dean was a hall of fame rockstar who hated attention, but that wasn't quite the truth. Dean hated being singled out when he was out of control. Dean didn't mind playing up his cockiness, playing up his big lips and fuck me...well everything as long as he was the one doing it. As long as he was the one who was putting on the slightly too tight ripped jeans, tight shirt, and leather jacket. As long as he was the one making the music that people loved. Dean loved being in control and he hated being out of it. Hated being taken care of. Gabriel didn't know if it was something that he carried over from a childhood full of taking care of Sammy and being told a littany of things that 'real men' didn't do by John Winchester, but Dean truly hated it when people paid attention to him and it was out of his control.

After a little bit more wandering he decided that he couldn't stay away from Dean's room any longer. He didn't want to not be there when Dean woke up and he was waking up. Even though it had pretty much surpassed the 72 hour window that Doc Balthy had talked about, he wasn't going to give up on Dean. He was a fighter, and even if every fear he had was telling him to run away from this and never look back he knew that he couldn't. For Dean and Cassie, Sammy and Cas he wouldn't. He would be a man and stand his ground and when Dean woke up he would know that Gabriel really did care about him. How Dean had ever doubted it was really beyond him, the damn chucklehead apparently couldn't recognize it when someone had been hopelessly in love with him since he was sixteen. The fucking idiot.

The first thing he saw when he rounded the corner was Castiel asleep in a chair in the hallway, slightly covered up by a homemade blanket that he was pretty sure Carmen made because it looked like absolute shit. He'd never tell her that, of course, because she made him one last Christmas and even if it was probably the ugliest blanket in his entire house it was also the most comfortable and warm out of all of them. He saw a really pretty scarf she made for Sam once, though, so he didn't know if her nasty looking blankets were some sort of attempt at a weird don't judge a book by its cover thing, or if she genuinely put a lot more effort into the scarf for her husband. Gabriel figured it really was a toss up between the two.

He was about to take up occupancy in his chair when he heard Sam talking quietly to Dean. He could tell Dean wasn't awake, since he could see the outline of his left eye and cheek bone from his vantage point, but Sam was talking nonetheless. He considered walking away and giving him some privacy for a minute, but they were practically family anyway and everyone knew that Gabriel was bound to evesdrop so if he was going to say anything embarrassing, it was his own damn fault.

"Oh and remember that time when Uncle Bobby showed you how to fix a carborator for the first time? I remember thinking it was the most boring thing in the entire world, but you looked like learning that shit was heaven on earth so even though I found nothing at all interesting about cars, I went with you every day that week to Uncle Bobby's, because it was one of the first times I had seen you smile in a while and I liked it when you smiled. Everything seemed better. More right with the world when you did.

And Dean I know I haven't ever really said thank you for everything that you did to protect me growing up. Of course, when you are awake you never really let me say the words, but I guess now you have no choice but to listen. I'm sorry, Dean. I wish that I could somehow make all of the shit that you suffered at his hands go away. I never realized how bad it was until it was too late and I'm sorry for that. When you told me it was kids at school that gave you the black eye, or bruised lip I believed you because...well you aren't always the easiest to get along with; especially to people who don't get your really unfunny sense of humor but even so I should have figured it out when you broke your arm, or when we stayed at the Novaks that time after you got beat up. Or when you started being nice to Gabriel all of a sudden. Or when you started getting really pissed when the bigger kids were making fun of Cas. I just thought you were being your usual over-protective self, I didn't know the truth and I'm sorry that it took me seeing it until I finally understood what you were going through. I'm sorry that I was never able to be half the brother to you that you were to me. And damn it, Dean, I'm sorry that you had such a harder life than I did.

I'm sorry that I got to spend high school with the Novaks, having family dinners every Sunday night while you were out in California floundering for a way to survive. I'm sorry that I'm such a shitty brother and I'm sorry that I didn't make you talk to Cas sooner, that I let you let go of one of the most important people in your life when I knew that you didn't want to. I should have made you talk to him. Should have forced you to visit him, or him to visit you. And I'm sorry for not pushing you to persue Gabriel when you asked me what I thought about it. I wish I had told you to forget anyone else and go after him when Cassie was born, I mean you thought that him sticking around might have meant something and I told you it didn't because I didn't want to see you hurt again, not so soon after Maria walking away. You had just left your band and your life I didn't want to risk you losing the one person who had always been there for you because I gave crap advice, and yet, once again I was just failing you.

Because Dean, he does love you. God, Gabriel loves you so much that I don't know how we haven't all been knocked over by the sheer force of it yet. He spent at least six hours in the chapel praying for you in the past three days and it would have been longer but he's terrified to leave your side. He hasn't stepped foot in a church in over ten years dude and because of you he can't stop. I wish you could see it. It's a miracle and a shame all in one. And I can't help but think that you and Gabriel could be married right now if it weren't for me. He could have adopted Cassie and y'all could be a real family, not just two boys that are hopelessly in love with each other and yet both too scared to make a move. Actually, it kind of sounds like some sort of awful chick-flick that you would hate. Hear that Dean? You have become a cliched chick-flick. You have to wake up just to end that shit. It's pathetic.

And Cas, my god, Dean, he is walking around this hospital like someone stole his favorite toy, kicked his puppy, and then kidnapped him and locked him a room with no doors or windows or anything. It's a bad analogy, but he's the writer not me, so I'm just calling it like I see it. And get this, his nanny found him in his closet crying and holding onto your old leather jacket when he went home to check on his kids. I told you he had it and I didn't steal it, by the way, I'm totally giving you shit for that when you wake up. Point is, guy is lost without you. You can't just leave him again. I honestly don't think he could survive it this time. He has only slept for like three hours in the past three days and that just isn't healthy. Actually, I think he's sleeping right now, so maybe rack that count up to four hours out of the past seventy-two. And his kids, Dean, you have to meet them. His daughter...well I'll let him tell you that, because it's too good to spoil, but he honestly named his son West, can you believe it? Remember when y'all were probably eleven and watching all those Clint Eastwood movies on TV and y'all made a pact to name your sons East and West, East after Eastwood and West affter the Westerns that were his signature. It would have been Western, but that was a stupid name, according to y'all.

Guess that's a promise you have to make good on now. Reckon y'all could use Gabriel's sperm with a donor so you have one of each, though if you want your son to have height you might want to go with our genes. I mean Cas is normal height and Mr. Novak is pretty tall, but you know, Gabe's not so much in the height department. Though I remember you gushing for about a million years about the chesnut/hazel of his eyes so that might be something to consider.

Honestly, Dean, I'm running out of things to say, if you were awake I'm sure you'd laugh your ass off about that, but Doctor Balthzar said that I should keep talking to you. That it might help. Though I really think all the doctors are trying to give up at this point, except for him. He either really loves his patients, or has a crush on a certain blue eyed boy we both know that looks like his entire world is ending every time he looks through that door and nothing has changed. So really if nothing else you got to wake up and protect Cas. Can't let creepy, attractive doctor's with accents snatch him up, at least not without putting them through the ringer first, right Dean? I mean this is the virtue of your best friend that is in question, isn't it?

Please wake up, Dean. All kidding aside, Cas really doesn't look like he is going to make it through this if you don't wake up. Gabriel is being quiet and actually had a civilized lunch and conversation with Jake a minute ago, so clearly hell is freezing over, pigs are flying, and the Apocalypse is nigh. He can't make it without you either, though man. None of us can. You don't know it, but you are this rock for us. You always have been. You keep us together and whole and without you we are all just a bunch of broken and shattered remains of people trying to live their lives with no compass, no guiding light. No heart. We are like a body without a heart when you aren't here, Dean. We need you. Please come back to us. Please."

Gabriel waited until he heard Sam's breathing even out into something not akin to sobbing uncontroably next to his brother and the bathroom door shut behind him before he walked into the room. Running a hand over his face, a habit he had long ago picked up from Dean, he sat down in his spot and stared.

"Dean, I'm not one for big declarations or cheesy stupid speeches. I'll leave those sort of things to our brothers, who I'm fairly certain hit the girl branch a few too many times when they were falling out of those trees growing up. But, we need you here, alright. I know you have some shitty sense of self preservation and you don't think you are worth it, but you are. You have a family that needs you here. A brother who doesn't understand how to live without you, a daughter who needs you to be there to mezmerize and scare the shit out of every guy or girl who comes to the door looking at her, a best friend who honestly might do something really fucking stupid if you don't wake up, and a boyfriend who loves you so fucking much he is willing to do anything to make you happy. You have me too, and maybe I don't know exactly how much that means, but fuck it, Dean, I love you more than I can really say so please come back to me so I can say that out loud, so you can hear it. Mom and Dad are coming in from Rome too, boarded the plane yesterday when I called them. And the band, they are all coming too. I know you are going to hate it so much, everyone watching you, so please wake up so you can cuss everyone out for it when they get here, man."

Gabriel felt the tears stinging his eyes and for once he didn't even try to hide them, just let all of his emotions for the past few days overtake him. He knew he was being incredibly loud, could feel the nasty choughing sobs wracking through his body and knew that everyone could hear them and for once he didn't care. Didn't care when he felt a hand on his back letting him know that someone was there, didn't care when he heard the bathroom door open and felt someone kneeling next to him with a hand on his knee for support. He couldn't have stopped now if he had wanted to. He just held onto Dean's hand and wept. For all the things he never said and for all the things he prayed he would get a chance to say in the future.

Cas and Sam stayed with him the entire time, their presence a tiny reminder that no matter what happened he wasn't alone. He felt grateful and immensly depressed because of it, because deep down they all knew that if Dean didn't wake up this would be the rest of their lives. A gaping hole and nothing big enough in the world to ever fill its place.

On day four the Novaks came to town. Michael was quiet and reserved, something that Gabriel didn't often see from his father and he knew that meant he was worried. He went to the chapel a lot and asked 'for guidance and understanding during this difficult time' though Gabriel swore he heard him whisper a few angry words to God about how 'Dean, of all people, deserves to be spared' which was so a-typical of his extremely devout father he had to stifle a smile and put it on his list of things to remind Dean about when he woke up. Anna was tearful and small, worried about 'all her boys' as she put it. Tsking at how tired Sam looked, practically force feeding Castiel, and merely giving him this look that said, 'I know, honey' and hugging the life out of him. They cried. They waited. Nothing changed.

On day five the band showed up. And even though they were all coming from different parts of the world, and two of them had actually cancelled shows in their tours to be here, they all somehow arrived on the same day, if at different times.

Ash got there first and looked uncharacteristically somber as he took in Dean's pallid form, his usual easy confidence and sarcastic mouth gone in favor of just looking at Dean like if he looked hard enough he'd see the twenty-five year old guy who was on top of the world that he had been when Dean had left their little ensemble for the quiet life of Lawrence. Like if he remembered that guy hard enough he would materialize in front of them. Gabriel really wished that was true.

Nick arrived next. Nick, who had been Dean's closest friend out of his bandmates. The only one he talked to at least once a month and had seen a few times since his departure. The only one who had been there smiling next to him as Cassie was born. And also the one who he had dated for about five or six months during one of their tours. He looked sadder than Gabriel could ever remember seeing him. He wondered if Nick had loved Dean. He imagined that he had, it was hard not to fall in love with Dean. He wondered how many people Dean had never allowed close enough to love back, had never let into his heart when they were begging to be there because he was terrified they would leave when he did? Nick was obviously one of them. He had excused himself shortly after walking into the room and taking in the sight of Dean so small and hurt. Gabriel heard they found him a few hours later on the roof. He remembered that is where Dean used to go to think when they were at a hotel and everything became too much. He wondered if Nick had prayed, he had never been much the praying type after his parents had gotten murdered, but still Dean seemed to bring out the things that people thought were hidden away, faith could be one of them.

Chuck was the last to get there. He was with his wife Becky, a mousy girl that had always had a crush on Sam that made Gabriel smile, but that had always harbored some weird obsession with Castiel and Dean and their relationship that made him irrationally upset. She had never approved of Gabriel, and though throughout the entire time she had known Dean Castiel had been out of the picture, the stories she had been told via Sam and the pictures she was shown made her believe they were meant to be. Gabriel silently agreed, just in a totally non-sexual sort of way. Dean and Castiel confused the equation by having a strange propensity for touching each other and kissing each other more than any two human beings who were not dating really should. They would lie on top of each other on the couch, hold hands when walking down the street, pull each other into random kisses all the time, almost to remind themselves that the other was still there, it was the norm for them. It didn't ever mean anything beyond that. Or at least, that is the way they had always been in high school. They even went to prom together. That was probably why Becky was confused. When almost every picture was of them lying curled up next to each other on a couch, sleeping huddled up together on a bed, holding hands, or kissing, dancing on prom night with the iradescent light making them look pathetically beautiful together it was hard not to imagine that they were hopelessly in love with each other and always would be. And the funny thing was Gabriel knew that they had thought about it once, they had explored the waters (had sex on prom night even) he also knew that they had decided that they weren't right for each other in that way. That them holding hands and kissing was just their freakishly close bond. That their epic eye-sexing was really just figuring out what was on the others mind with a piercing gaze. And yet, sometimes he couldn't help but be jealous of it; of them. Because even if Dean was hopelessly in love with Gabriel, which if Jake was to be believed he was, then there was still something completely amazing and beautiful about the bond that Dean shared with his brother and he wanted a bond like that for himself. It was greedy, but he wondered how he could love someone as completely as he did Dean, share so much with him, and still not have that sort of bond with him. It was like the bond that Dean and Cas shared was one that mere mortals couldn't understand or comprehend and Gabriel sometimes found that he wanted that with someone beside Dean. Wanted his own Dean/Castiel type friendship to carry him through the tough times in his life. He wondered if Dean woke up and they got together if he could ever find it. He hoped he could.

Chuck was twitchy and nervous as always, looking from Dean to Sam and Castiel and back to Gabriel like he didn't know what to say. Becky was staring at Sam like she wanted nothing more than to hug him for all eternity and Castiel was looking at both of them with a look of mild disbelief, whether because of the fact that Becky was so obviously doting over Sam or because of the way that Chuck was drinking out of his flask and being entirely too twitchy for someone who had once entertained millions without a sideways glance Gabriel wasn't sure, but it was the first time in days he actually really, deseperately felt like laughing.

On day six Gabriel tries to remember what more than two hours of sleep feels like and everyone starts walking around with a little more sag in their step than they have previously. Sam throws a chair out of the window (he apologized and paid for it, though so the hospital wasn't too mad), and Cas starts crying so hard he can't breathe and passes out. He has to get three stitches in his head when it clips the side of Dean's hospital bed.

On day seven everyone starts losing hope.

On day eight Dean wakes up.

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><p><em>Why am I so mean? I enjoy it. Anyway, I would love your feedback on this chapter, folks. Review like it is your job!<em>


	11. I Wish I Knew

**I Wish I Knew**

**Authors Note: **Any apologies I have fail in this instance, but I truly am sorry this has taken so long to update. The truth is I had two avenues I thought merited exploration after the events of the last chapter and it took me this long to a) find the motivation to write it b) settle on one storyline and c) stop procrastinating and get it done. If anyone has been waiting for the next installment I profusely apologize there is nothing I dread more than getting really into a fic and finding out the author abandoned it. But that won't happen here, I promise. It may take me a while, but I'm not leaving this fic unfinished. Anyway, for those who have stuck with this insanity, thank you and I hope you enjoy and if any newcomers have arrived, thanks for joining the party!

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><p>The first thing Dean became aware of as his mind drifted toward consciousness was an all-consuming pain. He felt it in every possible pore of his body, in every crevice he remembered having and in some he hadn't even known existed.<p>

The next thing he became aware of was noise and the feeling of warm skin brushing achingly against his. Both came to him only in jumbled bits and pieces.

The feel of a soft, warm hand cradling his own , the sound of a whispered prayer, the shuffling of feet and shifting of weight somewhere to his right, a small exhalation of breath almost like a choked sob emanating from somewhere close by.

But they were only random occurrences. He couldn't make his brain work to put them together into a cohesive sequence of events. Couldn't figure out how to make his brain process the pain and puzzle it together with everything else in order to make one big picture.

He wasn't even positive what picture he was supposed to be making or if a picture existed at all.

He tried opening his eyes, but his eyelids were heavy, the effort it took to try and open them too much and any hint of light seemed to cause more pain than the appeal of opening his eyes presented. Then a quiet, soothing voice to his right asked him to please open his eyes and he felt a sense of trust so deep he was almost astonished by it. He wanted to obey this voice's command, but when he tried the light crept in and every muscle in his body tensed and begged him to stop until he acquiesced and drifted back to sleep.

The next time Dean became aware of his surroundings a deep, husky voice was whispering something from close to his left. He could only make out the words _need him_ and _please_ spoken in a hushed, but challenging tone before he felt his body trying to respond. His fingers twitched against warm skin and with as much strength and courage as he could manage he opened his eyes halfway. From where he was he could just make out the outline of dark hair and puffy red eyes. His heart ached for the sadness he saw in this man and a part of him wanted to reach up to this person and apologize, to wipe away their tears and tell them everything was going to be okay. But it had taken every ounce of strength he had just to open his eyes. And a part of him was aware that he didn't actually know if everything was going to be okay. In fact, he was pretty sure the pain in his body and the tears of the man looking down at him when he'd opened his eyes were giant neon signs that everything was not going to be okay. Even if he could talk, though, he didn't think it would be a good idea to say that so he made no effort to form those words.

The guy had cried out when he saw Dean's opened eyes and breathed out the word, "Dean," like a prayer. Once his eyes were closed again the guy made a gargled sort of choking sound, he wanted to ask him what was going on, where he was and why he was here, but the words wouldn't come so he swallowed them down and drifted off again.

When Dean woke up the third time it wasn't as difficult to open his eyes and the pain of something stabbing in his throat had lessened and been replaced by an uncomfortable feeling of something sticking in his nose. It wasn't entirely comfortable, but of the two he much preferred this option so he kept his mouth, metaphorically and literally shut.

He opened his eyes slowly, wary of the intense pain of before and was surprised to find that though his eyes felt slightly heavy it was bearable. He took in his surroundings in pieces. He was in a white washed room with hints of blue and pink throughout, it was dark outside and the light on the ceiling was neither bright nor obnoxious. The same dark haired man from before was asleep on a blue chair to his right, but this time there was also two more sleeping men in the room. One was sort of tiny, with light brown hair that hung very slightly below his ears. The other was a giant with long, dark brown shaggy hair.

Once again he longed to ask someone what was going on. Why he was in the hospital and what the hell had happened that brought him here, but this time his eyes were the only ones open.

He noticed the dark haired man to his left had his hand on top of his. If he could just move his fingers or squeeze his hand he might notice something and stir. Dean concentrated every ounce of his body strength toward his left hand and was able to curve his fingers around the other mans and squeeze.

The reaction was instantaneous. No sooner had he squeezed than did the man wearily lift his head and looked in his direction. For a few moments the man seemed to be trying to understand if this was actually happening or just a byproduct of his dream induced state. Or at least that's what he thought the guy was trying to figure out by the small tilt of his head and questioning look in his eyes. Whatever decision he was attempting to make he seemed to arrive at because suddenly a wide, real smile broke out across his face so large that he couldn't help but wonder if it hurt the man to smile like that.

"Sam! Gabriel!" the man yelled voice cracking slightly, whether from lack of sleep or emotion he couldn't tell, but soon he was distracted by the two other men in the room stirring awake and rushing to his side. He wanted to look away at the relief and happiness in their eyes because it made him feel uncomfortable. He wasn't sure what was going on or why he was here, but he felt bad to just demand answers when these people seemed so happy to see him, but he was scared and his brain wasn't putting two and two together in a way that made sense to him.

"Get Doctor Balthazar, please, tell him Dean's awake," he heard the small brown haired one say to the sasquatch and the giant rushed out of the room so fast he almost got a headache just watching it. And there was that name again. Dean. Since he was the only one laying in the bed and they kept saying it in his general direction he assumed they must be talking about him, but the name was completely unfamiliar and strange on his tongue. Not that he was saying anything out loud, but he thought it sounded off in his brain somehow. He didn't feel like Dean. Whoever the hell that was.

"Wooo, D-d-d," he tried to say, but the words stuck in his throat, dry and hard and he started to cough.

The dark haired man looked like he was about to speak, but the short man beat him to it, "Don't try to talk just yet. Dr. Balthazar will be here soon and then we'll get you some water and you can tell us whatever it is, okay?"

He was speaking gently and quietly, leaning into his space a little and holding his hand gently in his own. Something about it made him want to jerk away. It wasn't because the guy was unattractive or anything, hell he didn't even know if he found guys attractive at all, really. It wasn't on the forefront of his mind at the moment. He was getting a little antsy because he didn't know this guy and suddenly he was leaning up in his personal space and grabbing his hand and it was all too much too soon. Something in his thoughts must have shown on his face because suddenly the dark haired man was leaning across the bed and separating Gabriel's grasp from Dean while whispering to the short man, "Gabriel, I think Dean is getting overwhelmed. Perhaps you should go with Sam and talk to Dr. Balthazar. You know how irrational he gets when he is antsy."

The short man, Gabriel his mind supplied, sighed and shot Dean one more look before disappearing out of the door with something a muttered phrase.

Dean wanted to thank the dark haired man, but he wasn't sure his voice was going to work any better this time so he just tried to convey his thanks with a meaningful blink. The man, however, was simply staring at him again, a questioning almost heart wrenchingly sad look in his eyes and a slight tilt to his head. He had the sudden thought that this man was beautiful so maybe he was attracted to guys after all, before the man sat down softly on the bed next to him and spoke.

"Don't try and talk right now, but I think I need to ask you a question. Can you either shake or nod your head to a yes or no question?"

He assumed this was the first question, so with some effort he moved his head slightly up and down.

The man just smiled softly and said, "Good. Dean, do you…" he paused to rake a hand through his hair and look out the window, "God, do you know that you're Dean."

For a moment the look of raw hope made him want to nod yes. To pretend that he knew who the man sitting in front of him was, but this Dean person was foreign to him and the man sitting in front of him could be his brother, lover, or an assassin hired to kill him for all he knew. He saw the hope slowly leave the man's eyes and be replaced by a desperate sort of sadness as he shook his head back and forth gently and slow.

The man cleared his throat and he (Dean, his mind tried to impress on him) could see the tears pooling in this stranger's eyes. "Do you recognize any of us? Sam? Gabriel?" a brief pause for breath, "me?"

Once again Dean was tempted to lie, but he just slowly lowered his eyes and shook his head once more. He wanted to ask the man what his name was, wanted to be able to fit it to his face and learn him once again. There was something oddly comforting about his presence. For someone who was a stranger to him he felt oddly at home with him sitting there. He wasn't sure exactly what it was, but he felt like this man might be worth getting to know.

Dean wanted to ask this guy his name, but since he'd been told not to talk and honestly wasn't all that tempted to at the moment he tried to settle for aborted movements that didn't really constitute sign language. He lifted his right arm with some effort and managed to reach the man's chest before sticking his finger into it and trying to convey his question in his eyes.

The confusion on the other man's face, however, was palpable, "I don't understand what you are trying to ask."

Dean would have laughed if he didn't think it would hurt way too damn much. He knew they didn't want him talking , but this seemed like an important question to ask so he tried, "Nmmm," is all he managed to get out, but he punctuated it with a sharp jab, which due to his lack of strength was more akin to a soft caress, into the man's chest.

Realization seemed to dawn on the man before him, "You want to know my name?"

Dean breathed out once and nodded, letting his tired hand fall to the man's lap. He looked saddened by the request, but smiled softly and said, "Castiel Novak."

Dean smiled at the name, goofily and he thinks a little drool might be cooling on the edge of his lips from lack of use and even though this Castiel guy looks sort of sad at having to introduce himself to someone he already knows, Dean is grateful that he's being gentle about it because the more awake he gets the more freaked out he's starting to get about all of this. And the more he's beginning to realize he doesn't understand.

He doesn't know who he is, it's really hard to speak and move parts of his body and, did he mention that he doesn't fucking know who the hell he is? Because that's a pretty big one. He grips his hand where it is bunched up on Castiel's lap and feels his fingers twist in the fabric on his thigh. Castiel looks down and then back up at Dean. He doesn't know what his face looks like right now, but whatever it is causes some trace of fear to flicker through Castiel's features before he traps them under a level of calm and speaks, "Dean, would you like me to help Sam and Gabriel find the doctor?"

Dean feels like shaking his head would make him throw up right now, so he merely tightens his grip on Castiel and prays that he understands what that means.

"Okay. Calm down, I'll stay right here with you."

Dean sighed a little in relief. He wasn't sure why, but Castiel was the only person he trusted. The tall guy, uh Sam, seemed nice. Eager and big like an oversized puppy, but nice and Gabriel seemed comfortable around him and gentle. But they were too much right now. They looked at him like they expected something, like they wanted something he couldn't figure out how to give and that scared him. Castiel looked at him like he understood, like he was really sad about something, but mostly like he wanted only what Dean wanted. He was comforted by that.

But not comforted enough not to be completely terrified by the whole situation. And suddenly it seemed like breathing was getting a little bit more difficult by the second and he tried to take some deep breaths and relax, but his mind was racing and the room was spinning and it was just so hard to remember how to make his lungs work.

Castiel's deep timbre broke through the haze, "Dean, please you need to calm down, okay? If you don't they'll probably have to put you back on the ventilator and nobody wants that. So please just deep breath in and deep breath out. Slow and steady, like the rhythm of my hand on your chest, okay?"

And Dean could feel Castiel's hand slowly and softly moving back and forth against his chest through the fabric of the nightgown. At first it wasn't working, but as he focused on the gentle whispers of a deep voice and the steady rhythm against his chest he was able to calm down enough to breathe normally again. He didn't realize he had closed his eyes until he opened them and found the piercing blue gaze of Castiel's eyes much closer to his own than he had been expecting.

He was getting ready to try and figure out how to make words come out when the moment was broken by three people stumbling back into the room, the two men from before and a blonde that he didn't recognize. The thought of recognition brought a somewhat strangled laugh to his lips that sounded more like a whine than he was entirely comfortable with when it hit the air of the room around him.

Castiel slid out from next to him on the bed and whispered something to the doctor, probably that Dean was clueless as to who any of them were if the face he made was any indication, before returning to Dean's side. Sam and Gabriel stood a little behind the doctor as he came to rest on Dean's other side.

"Hi, Dean, my name is Balthazar and I'm your doctor. You aren't a child so I'm not going to treat you like one, but I do need you to tell me a few things. If I get you some water do you think you can try to answer my questions by talking?"

Dean nodded his head slowly when it seemed like the doctor was about to keep talking. He sort of wanted to roll his eyes and tell him that the tone he was using was a bit patronizing, regardless of what he was saying but the guy was only trying to help and maybe it was only his accent that was patronizing. His throat was too damn dry and he thought if he could get some water he could actually articulate what he was trying to say and fuck, but wouldn't that be nice.

Balthazar nodded to Castiel then, who poured some water into a cup and put a straw in it before lifting it to Dean's mouth so that he could drink. It was a bit harder than he anticipated working the muscles of his throat, but once the water hit them it felt so nice he found he didn't want to stop drinking it. Once Castiel had decided that he had enough he drew the cup slowly from Dean's lips. Dean nodded and swallowed some more trying to give the muscles a bit of a workout before attempting to form words again.

"Okay," Dean managed. It was a bit shaky and barely above a whisper but it was a word and Dean felt his chest sigh in relief that he had managed to spit it out.

"Great. Take a few more sips of water and we can begin."

Once Dean had gulped up a few more sips and Castiel had laid the cup down to his left Balthazar slowly sunk down onto the bed next to him to his right. Dean felt a small twinge of panic rise up with how close he was but he pushed it down and managed to only flinch a little as the doctor settled down.

After a few moments Dean was still tense and hoping to somehow avoid having to state as such, but unfortunately Castiel seemed to be hyper aware and said, "Doctor Balthazar I think that Dean is uncomfortable with how close you are sitting to him. He seems to be adverse to touch since he has woken up."

The last bit was spoken more quietly and with a look at Dean that almost seemed to be asking permission, but what for Dean couldn't possibly figure out.

The doctor just looked up at Castiel then and smiled but was met only with stern, steely sort of determination that made Dean want to laugh. He turned back to Dean then expression serious and considering, "Why does close contact make you uncomfortable, Dean?"

Dean wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the question. How the hell was he supposed to know, he didn't even fucking know his name was Dean until about half an hour ago. Something of his thoughts must have shown in his expression because the doctor smiled and said, "Let's start with something easier then. Can you tell me where you are?"

Dean suppressed the urge to roll his eyes just barely and said, "The hospital."

Balthazar continued, "And do you know why you are here."

Dean's voice was scratchy and weak, barely above a whisper as he answered, "Well my body feels like it's been eaten by a wolf and shit off a cliff, but that seems sort of an unlikely scenario."

The three men in the room all chuckled briefly and Dean felt both embarrassed that they were all listening so closely to him and slightly invigorated that he had done something funny. It felt strange, he thought, this need to prove himself to people he didn't even know.

Doctor Balthazar even chuckled before continuing, "You're right that scenario is rather unlikely. You were in a car accident, Dean." Which Dean thought made sense, he felt like something had run over him, he just didn't know it was quite in the literal sense.

"Look, I'm going to ask you a few questions just to gauge what you know and what you don't know, alright?"

"Yeah," Dean managed feeling his throat getting dry again before suddenly there was a straw pressing against his lips.

"Well you know that you are Dean, but can you tell me your full name?"

Dean shook his head and heard a sharp intake of breath from the small man…from Gabriel. He needed to remember that name. He wasn't sure why but if felt important.

"How about your eye color…umm your car, or your favorite music?"

Dean racked through his brains trying to figure out any of those things, but drew a blank each time. He sighed defeated before shaking his head slowly.

"Do you know any music?"

"There was some kid I remember hearing called Beaver or Bieber or something. I can't remember if I liked that or not though."

"What about the president? Can you tell me who the president is?"

Dean considered briefly and then he thought he remembered someone, "It's that tall guy right? The one who makes all those jokes. Barik or something."

Doctor Balthazar smiled briefly then, "Very good, Dean. Yes, I think he prefers it to be pronounced with an a instead of an I, but that's very good."

Dean sighed, "Yeah, great. I can remember the name of the president but not of the people in this room," he paused briefly to cough and pushed the water aside when Castiel tried to hand it to him again, "I mean, really, how fucking awesome is that? I know more about a stranger than I know about myself."

"Dean, I know this is difficult."

"No offense, Doc, but don't patronize me you have no fucking clue."

Dean could see Castiel move to say something but before he could Balthazar held a hand up to silence him, "You're right. I have no idea how difficult it must be to wake up and not know who I am. I can only imagine that it is incredibly frightening. But the fact that you know the president and Justin Bieber are both good signs..well it could be a frightening indictment on your music taste, but that's beside the point at the moment. I fully believe that both you and your brain will make a full recovery if given proper time and care."

Dean looked up at the ceiling then and briefly closed his eyes, he thought maybe if he could just get some rest when he woke up everything would be fine.

He took a deep breath and tried to make his voice sound steady as he muttered, "How much time?"

"I don't know, Dean. It's different for every person. If I'm being honest with you it is nothing short of a miracle that you are even laying there right now talking to me at all. Most people who have suffered the type of damage you suffered never wake up at all, let alone are coherent enough when they do to ask questions. I guess there is some sort of angel watching over you. It's the only way I can explain it."

Dean sighed, "I don't remember if I believe in angels or not."

Sam spoke up then, "You want to."

Dean looked from him to Gabriel, whose lack of height wasn't done any justice by having to stand next to the Sasquatch next to him. And suddenly the sight of it made Dean laugh. He regretted it almost immediately when he felt like something was stabbing every internal organ on the left side of his body; he closed his eyes against the pain and yelped. Even to his own ears it sounded shrill and high pitched.

The next thing he registered were slightly roughened hands gently pushing his own aside and the doctor asking, "Dean, can you hear me? Tell me what's wrong."

Dean tried to gain his breath but could only manage to say, "side," he hoped that would convey everything it needed to because the pain it caused to say that one word made it unlikely he would try again at the present time. He heard rustling around the room and then some alarm going off before everything went black.

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><p>I apologize for any errors you find while reading this. As always I have no beta and am quickly uploading this before Buddhism class so I don't have a lot of time to proof-read it. I also figured I had made you wait long enough so I am biting the bullet and clicking publish. I hope you enjoy and it was at least partially worth the incredibly long wait. And please don't fret, Debriel endgame is still happening.<p> 


	12. Starting From Zero Got Nothing to Lose

**A/N: **This seems to be a theme with me, but I apologize for the wait once again. I'm an awful person to write fanfic because I go through lulls, but I'm trying my very hardest to force myself to write this more and more because I know how everything is going to end and have the next few chapters planned down and sketched out, I just have to sit down and actually type them. Here's to hoping that things go smoothly and the updates come more regularly. Sorry again. Enjoy!

**Starting from Zero got Nothing to Lose**

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><p>This time waking up wasn't nearly as difficult or jarring as it had been the last time and he thanked the God that he apparently didn't believe in that this at least was something that wouldn't require re-learning. Waking up he could do, it was everything after that which fazed him.<p>

Instead of three people rushing over to him as he opened his eyes this time he scanned the room to see only the shortest guy from before staring out the window over what looked like an empty parking lot and a lot of…well trees. It didn't look particularly interesting, but then again the guy (Gabriel, right?) didn't really seem to be looking at anything in particular or, actually anything at all. He seemed…lost, trapped in his own mind and that at least was something Dean could relate to. He still didn't feel a hundred percent comfortable around this guy. There was something about him that just set Dean on edge, made him feel exposed and sort of vulnerable and that scared him a little bit. Or, like he admitted in his more charitable moments, a lot. He wanted comfort and security, warmth and freedom and this guy sort of felt like he represented the opposite of that. Still, as Dean scanned his dark jeans, faded and slightly too large tee, and floppy brown hair he couldn't help but smile. Gabriel felt dangerous, but he also felt safe. It was an oxymoron, made no sense, and sort of made Dean want to find a category to force him in, but it fit. He made his own weird sort of category and until Dean remembered where he put him before he thought that having one of his own probably wouldn't bother the little guy so much.

Gabriel turns around then, hazel eyes scanning the room and startling a little to find Dean's eyes on him, but instead of saying anything he simply walks over, sits in the chair a little bit away from Dean's bed and smiles.

After a few moments of not totally awkward silence and staring Gabriel says, "Everyone is out for lunch, they just left so they probably won't be back for a little while, sorry Cas, um, he went too I know you feel better when he's around."

Dean smiled slightly, it was true he did find the other man's presence comforting, but he understood the need to eat, he was feeling sort of hungry himself.

"It's okay, I'm…adjusting. What happened earlier, though, why did I…you know," and then he makes a vague sweeping gesture with his good hand that hopefully indicates passing out.

Gabriel seems to understand because he smiles comfortingly and then says, "You just ripped some of your stitches laughing, no worries, Doc Martin fixed you up good as new."

Dean tensed, "I thought his name was Balthazar?"

Gabriel's smile faltered for a moment, but was back so quickly Dean wasn't sure it wasn't a part of his imagination or something, "Just a joke, no worries, you're right."

Dean flushed then, embarrassed at having missed a joke he clearly should have been able to decipher. He kept quiet, though.

"Seriously, Deano, don't worry about it. Castiel has never understood a single reference in his entire life that didn't involve something you dragged him to see or listen to. I'm used to it."

Dean wondered if that meant he had known Castiel long. If they were best friends or something more. He couldn't really make heads or tails of the way his stomach flipped whenever Castiel was around or the warmth that spread through him at the mention of the name. He didn't know how to try and put all the pieces of the puzzle together and make them spell out something he could understand. Comfort, safety, warmth, happiness…those were all feelings he associated with Castiel, but how was he supposed to transfer those abstract ideas into real world labels when he didn't have the memories that went along with those feelings to put two and two together to get four? And what the hell was he supposed to do in the meantime?

Gabriel sat in an overcrowded cafeteria in a hospital in Kansas and not for the first time wondered when this had become his life. Once upon a time, not too long ago he was going places; he was going to conquer the world. He almost had even. But then Dean Winchester happened. And that's sort of what it all boiled down to at the end of the day wasn't it? Dean Winchester. Dean, who could own any room he walked into with his effortless charm and sarcastic quips. Dean, who managed to both drive Gabriel insane with his ridiculous penchant for almost always being annoyingly right and make him want to do ridiculous things like propose with his heart of fucking gold. Dean, who is literally the most selfless, kind, intelligent, talented, amazing guy that Gabriel had ever met and who would balk at anyone who so much as suggested he was any of those things. Dean, who broke everyone's hearts with his dad issues and low self-esteem. Dean, who in a few short years had made the transition from full time rock star to full time dad and only broke down a few times doing it. Dean, who didn't seem to remember that he was Dean anymore. Or what being Dean even really meant.

So, yeah, once upon a time all that Gabriel had ever wanted was to get out of this small ass town in this random little state and do something big with his life. Something amazing and inspiring and completely unforgettable; something that proved he had been here and alive, if only for a short time. And for a little while he had. He'd gone with Dean on tour, he'd blazed his own trail with his candy company and traveled to the most gorgeous and exotic locations with even more gorgeous and exotic people, but then something truly amazing happened.

Cassie happened. And from the moment that Gabriel walked in to find Dean Winchester holding in his arms a tiny, almost carbon copy of himself Gabriel had fallen in love all over again. Only this time it wasn't just with Dean. It was with Cassie too. And ever since that day the only thing Gabriel could think about with any certainty was that he belonged by their side. That Cassie was his and Dean's and maybe it was stupid, but whenever he looked at a picture of the three of them, or stood next to Dean while they were cooking Cassie dinner or rocking her to sleep or reading her a bedtime story he couldn't help but feel like he was finally…_finally_ home.

And that is what scared him the most about Dean forgetting. The possibility that Dean might never remember that once upon a time he'd felt at home with Gabriel too. That he had looked at Cassie and Gabriel and seen a family there; seen his family there. His home. And maybe a part of him (a rather large part, if he was being honest with himself) was terrified by the way that Dean looked at Cas since he woke up. Like he found home with him instead. He knew logically that it was ridiculous and he was projecting, because even his Dean (if he could even really call him that) looked at Cas like he was home, like he always would be, it meant something different than when he looked at Gabriel, he knew it did, but Dean didn't and maybe that was the problem.

Dean didn't know his history with Cas, that much Gabriel knew, but watching Dean try to figure out Cas all over again, watching him find comfort there and safety and maybe even love, was a bit much for him to take at the moment. And for the first time since Dean had woken up Gabriel allowed himself to consider the possibility that Dean may never recover all his memories, that he may never fully be the person he was before. It terrified him to consider some of the memories he held dearest to his heart might be lost in the recesses of Dean's mind forever. But what he hoped for above all else was the Dean remember Cassie. She was his life. His everything and if he didn't remember her, it would break her heart and he didn't think he could ever recover from watching the most precious little girl in the world's heart breaking in front of him and being able to do nothing about it. Dean would remember Cassie, because there was no other choice. He had to. For some reason Gabriel had no doubt that Dean would remember Sammy. It was Sammy and certain annoying little brothers are rather hard to forget, at least forever.

But that still left him…and Cas. He didn't really want to imagine the possibility of Dean falling in love with Cas all over again and never remembering that he had once loved Gabriel with at least most of his heart (if Jake and a few others were to be believed). He didn't want to lose his chance with Dean when he had finally opened his damn eyes to what was right in front of him all this time. But, he thought, if he had to lose Dean to anyone the only person who he would be remotely okay with losing him to would be Castiel. Dean and Cas…well, they were Dean and Cas and that sort of defied explanation or definition anyway. So, if Dean chose Cas and Cas was willing to be with him then he would be willing to watch from the sidelines. So long as Dean was happy.

But how did Castiel feel about all this he wanted to know. So when his brother took a seat next to him with a heavy sigh he asked. For a moment Castiel just looked at him, tilted his head to the side slightly and looked down again before whispering loud enough for Gabriel to hear, but not the other patrons in the room.

"I know it isn't what you want to hear, brother, but there is a part of me that will always be in love with Dean. A part of me that will always feel a little bit broken-hearted that I am not the one he chose to love, but I'm not and an even bigger part of me loves him enough to want him to be happy above all else, even if that means his happiness doesn't come from me."

Gabriel couldn't help the smile that crossed his face at his brother's words. It was oddly comforting to be reminded that he wasn't the only one who loved Dean enough to let him go if need be. It made this conversation and his brother's admission a little easier to bear.

"But, Cas, what if it does. What if this is your second chance? Dean may have loved me in high school, he may have loved me after that, I don't really know, but one thing I know for sure is that he loves you more than he would ever admit. He loves you in that ridiculous, heart-stopping kind of way that people write fairy tales about and…I just don't know if he ever felt that way about me."

"Gabe, listen to me. Dean and I…we have a difficult relationship to define or put labels to…or well, we did, I'm not sure what our relationship will be like now. It's been ten years since Dean's heart-stopped when he looked at me and maybe, once upon a time in a different dimension Dean and I were soulmates of the romantic persuasion, but that…it isn't what is meant to be. Not this time around." Cas stopped and ran a hand through his hair in a way that was so painfully reminiscent of Dean that Gabriel had to fight for a moment to remember how to breathe.

"Look, Gabriel, I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. If I was given the chance once Dean remembered everything to be with him, to truly and forever be with him, then I would take it in a heartbeat. I understand what our relationship is and what it should be, but that doesn't mean that I couldn't fall right back in love with him so hard it would be difficult to breathe, because I could…so very easily. But that isn't going to happen and I'm not going to get that chance and that's okay. Well, maybe it's not okay, but it will be. Dean is going to remember who you are and why he decided to give his heart away at fourteen and never ask for it back and you and Zep and Cassie and Dean are all going to grow old together. You'll argue about stupid things like Vonnegut novels and Star Wars films, Cassie will get a little brother or sister with shinning brown eyes who thinks that she is the most amazing big sister in the world. We'll have those stupid barbecue's we always dreamed about and sometimes Dean and I will have sleepovers or Doctor Who marathons while you and Sam throw popcorn at us and make fun of the way we repeat the words over and over again no matter how many times we've seen it. I'll kiss Dean goodnight and snuggle with him on the couch and he'll go to bed with you and I'll go home to my kids and we'll tell stories about high school and laugh about how worried we were that it wasn't going to all work out. I know that it doesn't seem like it now, but one day all of this will be a distant memory. Dean loves you, Gabriel. He chose you. Don't…" Cas' voice cracked a bit here, "don't ever forget that makes you the luckiest guy in the world."

Gabriel didn't say anything to that. He didn't even know if he was actually able to articulate words after that so he simply scooped Castiel up in his arms and whispered thank you. He didn't know why it actually comforted him for his brother to admit he was still a bit in love with Dean. Maybe because he finally knew that Cas was being a hundred percent honest with him. And it wasn't like Gabriel could blame him, he hadn't managed to fall out of love with Dean since he was a teenager, he couldn't really expect anyone else too. Besides it was comforting, knowing that someone else loved Dean as much as he did. Knowing that someone else looked into those green eyes and saw the most amazing person in the world. It felt grounding and secure. It felt real and tangible.

Castiel was right, Dean was going to remember one day. Whether it was tomorrow or ten years from now, he was willing to wait because if there was anyone in the world worth waiting a lifetime for it was Dean Winchester.

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><p>So I did a quick edit over it before posting, but I'm rather busy and have no beta so go easy on me. I hope any mistakes that are there (and I am sure there are plenty!) aren't too distracting when reading. Sorry for the rather short update, hopefully the next one will be longer. And I hope you liked it. I know I'm an awful person to keep making you wait for so long between each update.<p> 


	13. Memories Sharp as Daggers

**A/N: **Remember how I am trying to be better about updating this more often? Well, here is proof. Especially since I desperately need to finish this fic before summer ends and classes start back or else I probably won't get to work on it again for at least four months. Anyway, I know there is a time jump, but I am getting a little tired of all this Dean/Gabriel foreplay and want to get to the actual meat (pun sort of intended) of their relationship so it needed to be done and I hope you don't hate me for it. As always I hope you enjoy and please remember that none of these chapters are beta'd and in all honesty they aren't really even edited as much as vaguely looked over, so any and all mistakes (and I know there are always a plethora) are mine. Now onto what you actually care about: the story!

**Essential information:** for the purpose of this story Dean was born in 1984 and Sam in 1988. Keep this in mind when flashbacks happen so you aren't confused. I did it this way instead of keeping with the timeline of the show because Dean needed to be twenty-eight for the purposes of this story. Got it? Awesome sauce.

**Memories Sharp as Daggers **

It had been two weeks since he had woken up. Two weeks of the most ridiculous coddling and insistent, never-ending attention and if someone didn't leave him alone for two fucking minutes in the very near future he was about to actually figure out a way to injure himself jumping out of a first floor window.

Frankly he'd be a little bit happier and a lot less ill at ease if someone would just yell or throw something. All the silent, questioning glances and patient remarks were getting a little unnerving because it made him feel like the only one getting frustrated that practically an entire lifetime of memories could disappear in the blink of an eye. But no, everyone was understanding and damn near perfect and that…well it made him feel even worse because, barring a few memories, he still could scarcely tell you some of their names half the time let alone what the fuck they were doing in his house. Oh yeah, did he mention he had a house? Because he did. It was sort of awesome, but he didn't feel like admitting that out loud quite yet.

In the past two weeks he had managed to remember five things with startling, sometimes shocking clarity. Although he discovered remembering wasn't exactly the right word for it. Re-living was a much better way of putting it into words because when it was happening it didn't feel like something that happened a while ago, something that he could remove himself from, it felt like it was happening right then, at that moment and whether what he was remembering made him want to laugh or cry, or sometimes a strange combination of the two, it hit him square in the jaw every time. At least he thinks he is using that saying correctly. Cas had told him about it, though, and if Gabriel was to be believed Castiel was the last person you should listen to in regards to anything that might in any way relate to…well humanity. It sort of made Dean want to laugh even though he wasn't sure he got the punch line.

Not knowing his family, his friends, hell himself was…scary. In all honesty it was terrifying and really bizarre not to know the details of a life that is supposed to belong to you. The doctors and nurses and supposed experts he had seen so far all seemed to focus on those aspects. That they knew he was scared and vulnerable and unsure and a number of other things that sounded far too medical for his tastes so he tuned them out, but what nobody said to Dean, what nobody seemed to be able to grasp was how _fucking weird_ all of this was.

Everyone drones on and on about trusting the people around you and some medical terminology that even those people on that episode of that show, Bones, he'd seen can't pronounce, but what nobody tells you is that having amnesia is really, insanely weird. It's like being a stranger in your own mind, a prisoner in your own body, and a character in your own story. People told him a few basic things deemed need to know and he had a few heart stopping moments where he truly and fully remembered, not just a feeling of peace or comfort from a smell or a touch, but a legitimate memory etched back into his brain, finally slotting back into place. But still most of the time he felt like he was watching a movie or reading a book about this character named Dean Winchester and he didn't always know what this guy was thinking or how he was feeling, and he sure as hell didn't always feel like he was this guy, but he was trying to figure him out nonetheless.

Dean had gotten into quotes since the third day he was awake and he had seen Castiel reading some sort of book of them and one in particular kept replaying itself in his mind, "One day your life is going to flash before your eyes, make sure it's worth watching." And while Dean couldn't remember most of his life, he decided that he was going to try to make the most of the second one he'd been given and if all he ever remembered were bits and pieces, then he'd stitch them together and form a new life.

Then there were the memories. Every time he remembered something else he felt like he was getting closer and further away from the truth of who he was because he couldn't help but trying to reconcile the guy other people kept telling him he was and the guy that he saw and felt in those moments. And he wasn't sure they always fit.

How did the dorky kid who spent an entire night marathoning some show called Doctor Who about an alien (a Timelord, he thought sounded right) grow up to be the same guy cradling a five pound, nine ounce baby girl in his arms like she was the most precious thing in the entire world. He knew how he felt, but he didn't know what he felt about that and it scared him. This constant state of flux. He had a daughter somewhere, a gorgeous tiny little girl who depended on him and was somewhere missing him and he knew that he loved her with everything that he had in him because he could feel that love in every fiber of his being, with every breath that he took, but how was he supposed to be a father to this little girl, to take care of her, when he could barely take care of himself half the time.

The first memory had come out of nowhere. He was reclining on the couch with the radio on while Gabriel did something or other in the kitchen that he was probably meant to pay attention to, but didn't when Hungry Like the Wolf started blaring out of the speakers and suddenly he wasn't on the couch anymore.

-December 17, 1990-

_Dean was running around the kitchen with the model airplane Uncle Bobby had given him last week as an early Christmas present. Uncle Bobby was Dean's favorite because he didn't yell as much as Dad or get as angry at everything. He didn't smell funny either and sometimes he brought over Aunt Karen's apple pie and that stuff was like the most amazing thing in the entire world. Dean was pretty sure that it could like stop wars from being fought and whatnot. It was just that good. Even Sammy liked it and he was two and pretty much didn't like anything. Well, he kept running around yelling no and playing with some stuffed purple elephant that he didn't let anyone touch, like ever, anyway. Uncle Bobby said toddlers were like that though. Dean wasn't one hundred percent sure what exactly a toddler was, but apparently Sammy was one. Still, Sammy is pretty cool. He hugs me all the time, which is sort of awesome and he laughs at all my jokes, even the ones Dad says don't make any sense. _

_Dean was torn out of his thoughts by the sound of a door slamming shut. He dropped his airplane and ran to Sammy's room to check on him to find he was sound asleep. Breathing a sigh of relief, he started walking back to the living room when he heard his Dad yell for him._

"_Coming, Dad!" he said as he ran as fast as his little legs would take him toward the sound of his Dad's voice. When he got to the kitchen his Dad was bending down to pick up the airplane from where he had dropped it on the floor in his haste to get to Sam. One of the wings had a small crack in it and Dean took an unconscious step backward in preparation of his father's anger. _

"_What is your new toy doing on the floor, Dean? Don't you respect your Uncle Bobby enough not to destroy the things he spends his hard earned time and money on?"_

_Dean sighed and hung his head to the ground in the way he knew he was supposed to when his dad was yelling at him. It was a sign of respect or something, "Sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to, I promise. I was just checking on Sammy."_

_He looked up from under his lashes in time to see his father raise an eyebrow, "Checking on Sammy? Why would you have to scratch your plane to do that? Were you playing a game instead of watching your little brother, Dean?"_

_Dean just stood there for a minute trying to figure out what to say. His dad wasn't raising his voice which was always a bad sign. He was the most angry when he was quiet. He also smelled really funny, like the guy who stood outside the library and drank brown stuff out of a bottle. Dad was always mad when he smelled funny. Dean didn't like it._

"_No. Dad, Sammy was asleep so I was just playing with my airplane while he was sleeping. I mean, he doesn't really need watching when he's asleep and it's boring to just sit there."_

_His dad took another step closer to him, towering over him and Dean wondered how other kids always seemed happy when their parents got close to them, like they felt safe or something, when he felt the exact opposite. It wasn't safe or fun it was terrifying. Parents being close meant you were in trouble. Big trouble. And sometimes you didn't even know what for. _

_John leaned down then until he was face to face with Dean and pulled him close by his shirt, a little roughly, "You are to watch Sam at all times. I don't care if he's eating or watching cartoons or fucking sleeping, you do not, and I mean it, Dean, do not let him out of your sight, you got that?"_

_Dean tried to nod and look confident, which was sort of hard to do through tears and a lump in your throat, but he guessed he managed at least a little bit alright because his dad let him go with a tiny shove that made his hip clip a little roughly against the chair leg and then he really was falling to the ground and crying. He was scared and hurt and he just wanted Uncle Bobby or Aunt Karen to hug him and make things better. _

_Almost as soon as Dean had curled in on himself he was being lifted back up by a strong, too rough hand and hoisted into the air with a painful grip on his little arms._

"_Dean, what have I told you about crying about things that are your fault to begin with?"_

_Dean sniffled and tried to wipe the snot off his nose, but couldn't with his Dad holding his arms so tight, "I'm not allowed to. Not supposed to cry at all. Crying is only for girls."_

_John scoffed, "Damn right. Makes you look like a fucking sissy and I won't have a sissy for a son you got that?" He shook Dean a little harder as if to emphasize his point._

_Dean nodded, not really understanding what a sissy was or why he shouldn't be one but not caring if it meant his dad was going to put him down and leave him alone. He winced a little when his dads hands tightened around his arms before dropping him to the ground without warning. Dean twisted his foot a little, but managed not to cry out or anything knowing it would upset his dad all over again. Everything upset him when he was in this sort of mood._

_John looked down at Dean and smiled, but more than anything he looked sad and mean, "Go watch your brother. I'll call you when the pizza is ready. Don't you dare leave that room until then, though, or else there will be hell to got me, son?"_

_Dean just nodded, jumping to his feet and ignoring the twinge of pain the movement caused, practically running down the hall toward Sammy's room. As he shut the door he heard his dad turn on the radio and his favorite song coming on. Dean didn't know the name of it, but it had something to do with wolves._

-Present Day-

The first thing that Dean felt when he came back to himself was terror. He could remember so vividly the feeling of sheer terror that he had felt staring up into the cold eyes of the man he was supposed to be able to count on for support and love and comfort. The panic, the pain, the hurt, the resigned acceptance, the sadness all came a few moments later with a sort of intensity that didn't just render him speechless it rendered him overwhelmed.

Nobody had mentioned his father. They hadn't said anything one way or another, but from the ridiculously cheesy aspects of the rest of his life he had sort of just assumed he'd be something ridiculously parental like a stay at home dad or a kindergarten teacher. What he definitely didn't expect was some sort of terrifying…mechanic? At least Dean assumed he was a mechanic since he was wearing some sort of greasy body suit with his name on the front in big red letters.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to compose himself. He didn't realize he was shaking until he went to scrub a hand over his face and physically couldn't. He leaned back on the couch, eyes squeezed shut as if that could somehow block out the short span of time that was now etched back into his brain.

He didn't know if it was from the adrenaline of remembering or if it was left over shakes from the mortified six year old he apparently used to be, but either way it broke him. He just couldn't do this. Couldn't remember these things, didn't _want _to remember his life if it was going to be like this. God, if his dad was that horrible to a six year old what happened when he turned seven, eight, or older. Did things get worse? Did he ever get over that scared feeling. That moment of sheer panic when his dad's voice rang out down the hall. Was he still alive? Was he going to come here? Was he going to be mad at Dean for not remembering? That seemed like something the man in his memory would consider weak and unmanly, forgetting who you were. He didn't think he could deal with that right now.

What if finding out the truth about who you are is actually worse than not remembering? What if this great life people keep telling him he has is some sort of huge lie. The tiny, sad kid in that memory, the harsh look in his dad's eyes, that sure as hell wasn't like any Disney fairy tale Cas had shown him over the past few weeks.

Dean didn't want to be a coward. Didn't think he was one, but he was scared as hell of whatever else was in his mind that might bear remembering. Scared of what it might make him realize about himself and his past. What if he wasn't ready to face who he was head on? What if he was still that scared little kid cowering on the floor. What if he always would be?

"Dean, lunch is ready! It's roast beef, your favor-. Dean? Dean, what's wrong?"

Dean felt the couch next to him slump down a bit, a sign that Gabriel was sitting next to him, but he didn't want to open his eyes. He wasn't sure he wouldn't start crying if he did and he really didn't want to break down in front of anyone, but especially not Gabriel, he had been so strong these past few weeks and Dean had begun to feel more and more drawn to that strength and simplicity. Had found himself staring at Gabriel and trying to puzzle him out and sometimes simply admiring him, the curve of his neck, the bend of his nose, the softness of his hair, the gentle beauty of his eyes. And every time he discovered something new to admire about Gabriel, like the way he would laugh right after he told a joke regardless if anyone else seemed to get it or not, he got a little bit more terrified that he was falling for a guy that he barely knew and who most definitely, given all indications, was his best friend on the planet for the past few years. And while Dean may not remember a lot of stuff, falling in love with your best friend is sort of one of those things that doesn't seem like a good idea no matter who you are.

He took a deep breath before whispering, "I just…can you turn the radio off please?"

He felt the couch shift and heard a slight rustling around before the house was filled with an almost eerie silence broken only by the soft click of Gabriel's wingtips on the wooden floor.

He heard a soft puff of air escape Gabriel's lips before the next words were whispered, "Dean, do you want to talk about it at all? Maybe I can help."

He laughed then, bitter and still shaky, and he felt utterly ridiculous because he wasn't sure whether he wanted to laugh, cry, or throw something so he settled for sitting there on the couch eyes closed, body shaking and laughter dying out, "I just. It's all a fucking fairy-tale right? My life I mean. I guess I should have expected a villain." He felt the tears stinging his eyes as he gulped around a lungful of air that suddenly didn't want to cooperate with him, "I didn't expect to be so scared. I didn't know someone's eyes could be that cold. I…is he dead?"

Gabriel had stiffened as he talked and he gathered that he must know who he was talking about without him actually having to say the words out loud and for that Dean was more grateful than he could even find the words to express, because he thought saying the name aloud might shatter the last piece of calm he was holding onto and he desperately needed that calm not to shatter here and now on his leather couch in his family sitting room.

"Yes. He died a few years ago."

Dean took a few moments to breathe and collect his thoughts about that. He felt somewhat sad, but mostly safe and relieved.

"Dean, I don't know what you remembered. Obviously it was something bad, but…I…you should know that you did love him and he did love you, even if a lot of bad stuff happened. Your dad was really messed up and he hurt you a lot, I just want you to remember that no matter what else you remember you did love him, alright."

Dean just squeezed his eyes shut tighter, finally gaining some semblance of control over his breathing and his shaking limbs. He didn't want to think about his father or the terror that surrounded that memory. Didn't want to remember his love for a man who seemed to hold nothing but disdain for him. In fact, he didn't want to do anything but eat a roast beef sandwich and talk about mundane things like the weather and maybe the Giants game. He sighed, pulling the strength that he knew was inside him somewhere and opened his eyes and sat up.

"Can we have lunch now?" he said and he was proud how close to normal his voice sounded. Gabriel looked a little bit like he wanted to argue, but simply nodded his head slowly, stood up, and headed toward the kitchen.

Maybe tomorrow he would be brave enough to think about the implications of his latest memory. Maybe not. But for now he was going to sit in his kitchen with his best friend and eat a roast beef sandwich like everything was normal and maybe one day soon it would be again. He remembered Sam saying something along the lines of "fake it until you make it" and he thought that sounded like a pretty damn good idea right about now.

* * *

><p>Alright. That's it for now, folks. Now it's time for your thoughts. Time jump, good or bad?<p> 


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